Rants About Emotion
"Satellite Skin" by Modest Mouse [the most beautiful name for a song]
July 23, 2015 Thursday 2:51 AM
I forgot to mention, I'm going camping this weekend so probably no entries then, haha. I really don't want to go but I think Lily and Laney want to hang out with me (and each other).
I'm starting to think I should live alone on a hill from now on.
I just... never want to be around people. Ever. Even my friends. My family, that's okay, but even then. I get the urge to run out of a room when all four of us are in the same area of the house. Human beings, in all that they do, are loud. Even their silence, loud.
I can stand my sister's presence pretty well, because she's my best friend so I mean. That's easy. My mom isn't so bad either, but she usually ends up pissed off about one thing or another and I feel the pushing. Not her fault. I should be doing more, faster. I'm just a slow gal. I like to take my time in everything I do.
Anyway. It doesn't matter that I love you, is the point. I still want to be alone. I feel like I need to be alone for awhile, actually. Like maybe a couple months.
Obviously, I can't actually do that. Maybe I'll just be a lot quieter. That way I can at least be alone in my head.
Although Caroline says I look stupid when I zone out, haha. She says, "You looked like you just checked out." Which is always funny, since she usually catches on about a second after I start following a thought into my head.
I'm not hurt but that or anything, haha. Ah, and all those years I was okay with looking distracted because I thought that at least I seemed thoughtful. I've been projecting an empty head!
*ocean deep sigh*
I just want to be alone. Indefinitely. I love people, I do, and I'm not depressed but I still feel like I need to recover. I don't even know from what!! What in the HELL could have damaged me this year??
Even the bad things, I've handled okay.
Wait. Actually, I just told Alexis today that I'm not very good at handling my emotions during bad situations. I dunno, I tend to shut myself. Writing, you mostly can't tell because it's my only outlet, but in real life, I don't talk about the bad things much. I mention them in passing, but never in the way I want. I mean I want to sob. I meant I want you back. That... okay.
When I actually do mention anything sucky, it's in a lighthearted manner. Always. I'll say I miss someone/something, and even then, it'll only be vaguely wistful.
In other words: if you happen to know me in real life, which you probably don't, I don't show my emotions the way I want to. So don't pretend you know me. I hate that.
Why am I so weird with emotion sometimes??? I don't handle it well! Like, crushes! I'm getting better, but they usually frustrate me because I don't want to WANT to date a certain boy. And then, why do I smile and laugh when talking about death?? That's literally the last thing I want to do. I guess I'm trying to hide. I remember when I was sobbing a couple months ago, I came out of my room and my parents hugged me, rubbed my back. I remember feeling detached in that moment, like I didn't know who they were and why they were touching me.
I don't mean I forgot everything, I mean I was uncomfortable the way you'd be if a stranger touched you with that kind of love.
It's the saddest thing, when that happens. Because I just wanted someone to tell me it wasn't true, someone to hold me and make me feel good, but when they tried it wasn't... it felt wrong. What kind of hope can you have for your future when you can't even let your parents touch you?
I'm just trying to understand.
I'm not sad! I really don't know what's with me today. I'm just thinking a lot.
I wrote two whole pages of an original (other than the prompts, but I'll credit the websites if I ever show anyone) story today, isn't that nice? I forgot how fun it is to write. Not that anyone will ever read it, unless I decide to post it onto a site where anonymous people can glance at it.
Liv came over today (I called her Olivia in the past, but I dunno, I decided to shorten it. It's easier. Plus, she likes her nickname). It was fun. We talked a lot. I missed her, jeez.
Chris (Caroline's friend) liked her. He was sad when she left, said she was funny. I texted Liv to tell her that and it made her happy, isn't that great?? God, I love it. I dunno, I get weird joy out of knowing people approve of my friends.
I talked to Alexis later, which I always love doing.
Alexis is so great. I really love her.
She said to me today that she gets excited when I message her because she knows I'll make her laugh :D :D :D
And I just. !!!!!!!!!!
That made me so happy!!!
Because that's like the same thing I think about Alexis! She's one of my favorite people.
If you forgot who she is, she's a friend of mine who I love for her humor and positivity.
I keep telling her to write a memoir when she gets older. I'd read the hell out of it. She has an interesting life and an interesting way of telling stories.
She pranked me yesterday (SHE MANAGED TO PRANK ME FROM A CITY AN HOUR AWAY, SHE IS A TRUE PRO) but it was a "ya had to be there" type thing so I won't bother explaining it.
I told her about Chris appreciating Liv and how it made us happy. THAT IN TURN MADE HER HAPPY BECAUSE SHE LIKES SEEING GRATITUDE????? HOW DO I MANAGE TO MEET SUCH GREAT PEOPLE?
Today, she got kind of sad, though.
Alicia, Liv's cousin (I've mentioned her a couple times. At first, I didn't like her for certain reasons, but she kept smiling at me in the hallway and saying hello and at first I would mostly ignore it but eventually it wore me down and I started waving back and then whenever I was near her she would say a genuinely nice thing to me and I just. She's NICE OKAY. I CHANGE MY MIND, HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE HER?).
Let me restart because I got carried away with that parentheses.
Alicia, Liv's cousin, is in the hospital because she apparently had a really bad panic attack when she found out her grandma is dying of lung cancer.
It affected her like that because she had cancer when she was younger. On March 4th or 5th (I remember the approximate date because I wrote it down in my notebook as a mystery of the day. And because a month later, I found it and cried or something, who knows), I wrote that Brock was told to ask if I had cancer at some point in my life.
I remember thinking that was really weird. Alexis told me that he knew someone used to have cancer, but he didn't know who. I don't know why he was so bent on finding out, but yeah.
I just zoned out for a couple minutes. Thinking about my mom. That's really the only interaction with cancer I've known (recap: my mom had cancer when I was eight) so I can't say I understand what Alicia is experiencing. I mean, lung cancer is deadly. I don't know how close to death my mom was. They had grave looks on their faces. But she's here now and even telling me her heart stopped for a couple minutes wouldn't bother me so much (exaggeration, just so you know). She's with me, tangible. That's the past.
Poor Alicia. Alexis was sad about it. She said she felt so helpless. Was saying that good people who live good lives still get fucked. And Alicia only had Alexis to talk to. Liv shuts down during things like that.
I can't say I "know" that, but when we argued in January, at some point, she kind of just... yeah. Shut down. Slumped. Stopped talking.
And I know she can't help it. I realized that at the time, but I was still a little frustrated because I was trying to work through it and she wasn't helping.
I was the one to shut it down permanently, though. The next day, she tried texting me about it. But the thing is, she wasn't trying to ask me about what had been bothering me, she was just saying I reminded her of her mom and it made her want me to go home??
I asked her, "do you want me to leave?"
I don't care if you're blunt and say yes. I mean, if you're not going to help me work it out, I will leave. I won't be offended by that.
I just wish she told me! And then the next day, with the mother thing, it felt kind of like she was trying to make me feel guilty. So I said, "I don't want to talk about it anymore." and it ended there. We kind of grew apart after that, I dunno. Maybe I was holding a grudge, which I don't do often. When I do, it's pretty bad, haha.
Anyway, I'm not mad about any of that. I'm over it. Liv is lovely. Point is, I've somewhat seen the shutdown thing. She's emotional (so am I, but I think I put up more of a stoic front) and I think it'd be hard for her to care for someone else in the way Alicia needs.
Not to mention, I don't think they're on good terms. They haven't been for awhile.
Okay. I was going to talk about other stuff but this is already so long for no reason and I'm tired. It's almost four in the morning. I've been writing since 2 AM.