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2015-07-19 08:19:07 (UTC)

I don't understand how he can do this to..

I don't understand how he can do this to me. A few days ago he tells me he loves me so much I'm his fucking Nadi nuu and now he's turning eighteen he suddenly wants to go off by himself and abandon me.

I feel so bad. I just wish there was fucking something I could do to win him back but it's always so obvious to me that I'm just not good enough. I'm not good enough to be the one he grows up with. I'm not. If I was he wouldn't want to be single so badly.
All I want is for him to hold me and tell me he loves me. I just want to be close to him, feel him. He's so warm. I just feel so fucking shit right now. I know it must be horrible for him to stay around me but I want him to so badly.

I get this horrible hollow feeling in my chest. It is the worst feeling. It eats at me all day and I just want to cry.He tells me I was fine without him when we weren't dating. I know I was but when you get addicted to someone so perfect it's fucking impossible to just move on. That's why it's so easy for him to do this to me. I'm not perfect. I'm not great, I'm not even good. I am an insignificant waste of space and I hope I die in a freak accident soon because I know I can't live without him.

I just lose it inside at the thought of him leaving. It just... I really don't want it to happen. I mean it when I say I've never wanted something so badly. I wish I didn't.
Everything is so horrible right now and if he leaves I feel like that horrible feeling won't go away ever. I would feel disgusted going near someone that wasn't him. Honestly when I think about going to bed, kissing, cuddling with someone other than him I feel physically sick. He's so fucking special to me. It's not right with anyone else. I've always felt that Jacob and I should be together. It just all fucking hurts so bad.