I'M SORRY FOR THE STRESS
"Modern Man" by Arcade Fire
If it's alright
Then how come you can't sleep at night?
July 18, 2015 Saturday 3:06 PM
It's not real and isn't that kind of scary? And if this isn't real, then I guess no emotion is really real, right?
Gosh, they're fighting again.
They've been fighting a lot lately.
My mom says that he's probably stressed out.
He picked an argument over a carton of milk today. He put it away before she was done and she didn't thank him.
The funny thing is, he's upset about the same thing she's been upset about for years.
He says, "You're telling me to do something without complaining."
It's frustrating. I don't want to get involved, though.
I feel like I start many of their fights. I've never really gotten along with my dad. We have the same opinions on a lot of things, but I am emotional and quite aware of it while he has no idea how to express his feelings. In other words, he doesn't quite understand empathy. I understand and I feel sorry for him, but it also makes me unbelievably angry.
Anyway, we fight a lot, me and him. He's the only one awake before I head to school. I'm usually irritable and stressed at that time, and so I don't let anything he says go. I just pick fights. I'm annoying. I was thinking about that the other day and it made me think, "Great. Yet another reason to dread the coming school year."
Sometimes, when we fight, I'm right. I feel like that 90% of the time but whatever. The problem is, he gets me really mad and I handle it horribly. I hate admitting this, but I'm just not good at arguing with him.
He's a smart guy but he has the brain of a scientist (that's not a bad thing, it just keeps him from seeing the world from different perspectives). Just the other day, he said, "Empathy is not logical."
That didn't make a lot of sense to me, honestly. Empathy is vital to the survival of the human race, or at least, it used to be. Love for one another is what keeps us all together. I've already talked about this, though (I read a book about sociopaths that explained why we haven't all evolved to be sociopathic and that is because they were less likely to survive in high numbers due to their pure selfishness... I think).
The point is, when you look at it that way, in terms of survival, isn't empathy VERY logical?
I think it's a very important tool. Sometimes, it clouds judgement, so I can vaguely understand where he's coming from. Okay.
So my mom, also being emotional, often agrees with me. When it comes to discipline, she usually sides with my dad, whether or not they agree. But otherwise, we're usually on the same side.
She tells me about the things he says to her, the things he does.
I try to get her to stop sometimes because it seems unfair, in a way. I love her but she's still angry about things that happened sixteen years ago. What's funny is that she doesn't seem to be mad about anything that happened before I was born. From my birth to now, though, she has the memory of a fucking elephant.
My dad is not going to change. He grew up in a small house in the suburbs of Northern California. He was in a crowded house with his parents and his four siblings, one of them being his unstable sister (my Aunt Julie. Sometimes, I get scared that I am becoming her). Plus, I guess his brothers were kind of violent, the way boys are.
Now, I don't know if this is what affected him so much, but he's very, very bad at expressing emotion.
He doesn't just outright say the things he's feeling. He takes out his anger and stress on everyone else over super tiny things.
I do that sometimes, too, which is another thing that scares the hell out of me.
Maybe I don't realize that I'm becoming the very worst parts of the people I love.
UGHHH *tears off skin*
No. No. No.
I DON'T KNOW. I'M JUST VERY STRESSED ABOUT EVERY POSSIBLE THING A HUMAN BEING CAN BE STRESSED ABOUT.
I JUST CRIED MY EYES OUT BECAUSE MY MOM MADE ME AN OMELETTE AND I SPLIT IT AND ASKED HER TO CHOOSE HALF SO I WOULDN'T TAKE THE BIGGER ONE. SHE MADE ME CHOOSE, THOUGH, AND OF COURSE I CHOSE THE BIGGER HALF. SHE LAUGHED ABOUT IT BUT I DON'T KNOW, I FELT REALLY SELFISH AFTER ALL THAT SHE HAS DONE FOR ME AND I MADE HER TAKE SOME BECAUSE I AM ALWAYS WORRIED THAT I AM SO SO SO SO SELFISH.
I TRY NOT TO BE BUT WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT, I ONLY WANT THINGS FOR MYSELF, DON'T I? I PUT MYSELF FIRST, DON'T I???
And so I cried and then felt even worse because my mom was all guilty looking. It wasn't her fault, though. I would've cried eventually because I'm scared all the time.
I'm kind of depressed, too, but the anxiety is worse. I don't know if that's good or not, hahah.
I don't know, maybe I'm about to get my period. My boobs kind of hurt and I may have gotten some cramps yesterday??
Even if this is just PMS (they were right, periods DO get worse as you age), the fear I'm experiencing is the same fear that's always there.
It's just unleashed. And this isn't very different from my regular mood swings, anyhow. Plus, I am 100% that not all of them happen before or during my period. Usually, the only bad thing about my period is the fact that my stomach kind of hurts all the time and I'm BLEEDING constantly.
I'm just freaked out.
I've been doing my APUSH work, but it's been sooo haardd to concentrate and I feel like I'm not going to be able to do this alone all year.
I still don't know where I want to go or who I want to be and that scares me so much oh my god I'm going to die
I'm going to end up being the person I hate, aren't I?
I just haven't been able to relax or feel better for days and I'm really tired. I haven't done anything around the house which just makes me feel worse. Everything!!! Makes me!!! Feel bad!!!
I'm trying to continue living and I'm doing pretty good. I figure I need to learn how to bottle it up if I'm going to survive the year.
I've cried more this week than I have in, like, the past month. It's ridiculous.
There are just too many fears to even write down. I'm so scared and none of what I wrote begins to express that ughhh
When I'm like this, I usually end up spending too much time on my phone or the computer in an attempt to distract myself and I get yelled at ugh
All in all, this week has fucking SUCKED.
I know things will be fine. Well, I say that I "know" it but I'm really just saying that because I've told myself to say it so many times. It's like my mantra, haha. I guess it's kind of useful, though.
I am okay (another mantra).
I kind of regret writing this all down. It makes me feel guilty. I'm sorry everyone.
I miss things a lot but am too chicken to mention names. Or maybe I've just mentioned them too much??
Hopefully, this'll make me feel better.
I love you so much if you read this whole thing, and also, I'm so sorry, haha.
I'M NEVER GOING TO GET MARRIED AND BE HAPPY AND MAKE MONEY AND HAVE A DOG AND DRAW AND I'M GOING TO FORGET SO MANY THINGS AND I'M NOT OKAY WITH THIS, I WANT TIME TO STOP, PLEASE