LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2015-07-16 15:16:08 (UTC)

I Might Be Melting


"God's Teeth" by This Will Destroy You


July 16, 2015 Thursday 10:25 PM


Brace yourself for some super shitty, feelingless writing. I'm running on very little sleep and just can't do normal thoughts. I mean, I try. But I end up sounding like someone attempting to be smart??? Which I basically am, haha, but still.

(IN ADVANCE: if I phrase things weirdly in this entry, i AM SORRY. I'M SO TIRED AND I FORGOT ENGLISH. I AM LANGUAGELESS. WHO CAN I SPEAK TO BUT MYSELF?)

Keeko has moon eyes. I'm looking at her now. Her pupils are huge, aw, she looks like a chubby kitten. Her eyes are so green. Like a cross between moss and mint green. You know what? I question those names for colors. Mint green is nOT the same shade as a mint leaf?? Same with moss?


MONDAY: I honestly don't remember Monday??? I know I organized my APUSH reading (in order to motivate myself, I have to divide our fifty frickin pages of work into daily reading quota, does this make sense, I am weak).
I dunno. I probably played Minecraft. I hate saying that, it makes me feel like a 12 year old boy ahha

TUESDAY:

I was really depressed this day, I dunno. Oh wait... was I? I think I was sad, but again, I kind of don't remember Tuesday at all.

WEDNESDAY:

I KNOW I was depressed and stressed out on this day. I would talk about it but I'm feeling really dumb right now. And also, I feel like talking about it would just bring me down. I went to the cemetery and sat in the grass by the fresh tree stump. For once, I was in the sun because despite it being fucking July, it was cold out. Anyway, I kind of just sat there, picking at the grass and talking out loud.

As I was leaving, I almost cried because I'm ridiculously emotional for some reason. No but, I passed these people that I used to regular see as they were entering the cemetery and I was exiting. I thought one of them was looking at me funny because I was there without my doggy.

That almost made me cry. I miss herrrrrrr. I miss everyone.

When I got home, I was okay. I sat on the couch. My mom came inside and started saying some stuff??? I dunno, I think she was about to scold me for not doing my chores and then I cried because of the whole stress thing that was will discuss in the near future. She left for awhile to go grocery shopping and I was just so exhausted in every single way. My whole body was so heavy and I dunno, I just.. felt catatonic or something. So I watched Entertainment News for awhile haha. God, I hate that show. So much bullshit. At the same time, whenever I watch it, it's kind of hard to tear my eyes away. I wanT THE DRAMA. I HAVE OPINIONS.

TODAY:

I didn't sleep very well. My thoughts were just too fucking loud. They weren't particularly mean, but they weren't too lovely either. So after an hour or two of tossing and turning, I got up. Which was at half past four in the morning.

I went for a walk and that made me happy. I felt so energetic. But by the time I got home, I was kind of sleepy again. I crawled into bed around 7 AM and fell asleep at 9. Then, I had to get up at noon because sleeping late makes me depressed and I already had enough of that.

I can still feel the tired in my lungs and around my eyes. My thoughts are just, ugh. This all feels kind of dreamy.

I had some energy briefly after some coffee so today was actually very productive (look at me! not giving into my emotions! tryin' to pull her self out of the pit! go me)

I read like one history page... That I sucked at. I dunno! I just can't do it. I have a really hard time learning from text.

When it's a story, it's easier. I can visualize. I learn through visualizing, through discussion, and through doing. Not by simply reading.

I get so frustrated and sad and anxious because I see the words, I SEE them, and I read them about a 1000 times and they still hold no meaning. I feel like a toddler. I need to go word by word.

Meanwhile, reading The Scarlet Letter is relatively easy. I like that book a lot. It's so pretty.

I exercised somewhat and tomorrow I'm going running with Laney.

Okay bye. I feel so tired, but I'm kind of worried that I won't be able to sleep again. I swear, if I'm this tired tomorrow, I give up I give up I give up. No. I'm never going to bed, never going to school or college, never talking to a single human being, just NO. NO. I GIVE UP. I GIVE THE FUCK UP.

Goodnight!

(I'm in a.... normal mood. I guess. At that point where you're too tired to feel anything)

PS:

I feel like two intersecting shadows sometimes. I said this and I might only be thinking about it because I'm too sleepy to use logic but eh.

I mean, when I was little, I used to hold my pink up in the darkness at night. Staring at it, it always felt like I had no skin or muscle there. Only bone, thin bone. Only my pinky. I don't know why, but it scared me half to death.

And I dunno, I feel like that sometimes, only I must say that "only bone" isn't accurate. No, I'm a sliver. A sliver. Shadows intersecting, where they overlap is the darkest. Only that shadow is flesh. i CAN'T DESCRIBE IT.

There are the other time when I feel unnaturally large... okay im done


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