I'm so dulllllllllll
"Heavenly Father" by Bon Iver [I've been in love with this song for about a year now. Always reminds me of The Knife Of Never Letting Go. Last summer was a magical time... I never wrote those parts down, though.]
I don’t know how you house the sin
but you’re free now
I was never sure how much of you I could let in
am I free now?
July 6, 2015 Monday 10:45 PM
How long since I've posted? TWO DAYS? It's a record, guys.
Independence day was uneventful. I woke up, it was raining. I love the rain but at that point, I was tired of it.
I really don't have the writing urge but I'm going to try and do it anyway. I am like a cow with a swollen teat. I need these words milked out of me. I regret writing those two sentences but not enough to delete it. I'm so sorry, future self.
We went to the capital to watch some fireworks. We were by the river. We couldn't really see the fireworks too well and it wasn't all that magical but honestly, it was good enough for me.
After the whole thing this guy walked up to me and asked for my number. I was so caught off guard??? Why??????? So much that I got his number instead by accident oops. Whatever, it worked out and we've been texting since.
Yesterday, we hiked. I discovered Heavenly Father is an IMPOSSIBLE SONG to find. I might have to purchase it *shudders*
Okay, well, I texted that guy and we're going to call him Quinn.
Quinn is really nice. He compliments me a lot and is generally pretty interesting, nice nice. We're going to hang out this weekend.
It's annoying because he says he can't wait to meet me and see how cute I'll be and what I'll be wearing and I just hate that. I know he has expectations. Of course, that's realistic. I expect him to be a certain way too.
I still hate it. People always think I'm going to be better than I am. Especially since I'm really bad at first impressions haha. I get better as we talk more but I'm always cold when we first start. I can't help it, I'm anxious and guarded.
He's sappy in a way that I almost dislike. On one hand, I love being showered in compliments. Love being called lovely and adorable, y'know? On the other, something about those words rubs me the wrong way. I dunno, maybe I can go more into depth later when I actually feel stuff.
Quinn is really smart, though. I'm kinda ashamed that I expected him to be that cocky-type boy who's always flirting. I mean, he had the balls to walk up to me while I was sitting with my family. He does kinda flirt a bit, but he's not cocky about it, so that's nice.
I'm worried that this will turn out the way it did with that John guy, where he didn't like me after we met and so he stopped talking to me. It annoys me that that hurt my feelings so much. He wasn't even all that interesting.
Maybe it'll be different. I'm a lot more comfortable talking with Quinn.
I'd be up for a summer fling, if that's what he's going for. If it's just friends, I'm also good with that. I'm pretty indifferent to it all. He compliments me a lot but I wonder if it's genuine.
I'M SO DULL, WHY AM I SO DULL RIGHT NOW???
Oh! I had my art class today. It was alright but I was so anxious half the time that my hands shook my pencil. It was VIOLENT shaking.
Sometimes, people ask me why I shake and I say "I don't know, I just always have" but I know why. It's because of the adrenaline coursing through me.
*looks down at body* the INCREDIBLY UNNECESSARY ADRENALINE coursing through me. It's a classroom, not a war zone, calm down.
This is my unmedicated anxiety disorder and I hate it oh my goddd.
I almost hated MYSELF during that class. Not real hate. I was just annoyed that I couldn't be comfortable with the simplest things. It's not like there was even tons of time to socialize.
Although lunch break is an hour long... My sister is interning where my class is so I got to eat lunch with her today but when she has different hours, I'm going to be alooooone.
OKAY I SHOULD REALLY GO TO BED.
Goodnight. Ugh it's so humid.
DANE: I'M GOING TO REPLY EXCITEDLY TO YOUR MESSAGE SOMETIME SOON. IT MIGHT NOT BE THIS WEEK BECAUSE I HAVE SOME DENSE READING, AN ESSAY AND ALSO CLASS. BUT I'LL TRY.
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