Cheese

Story of a Girl
2015-07-04 14:55:47 (UTC)

New family arrived!

I have SO much to catch up on over my first month of summer break in June--nothing too interesting, but there were lots of things to write about! But, I don't really have the time to write about everything that happened. I DID have some stuff written down, but I immediately lost interest in writing for whatever reason. I'd often go, "Oh shizz, I need to write this stuff down somewhere... Nah, I'll just do it later." I kept pushing everything to the side and it got to the point where writing hurt almost physically; my fingers would have this uncontrollable shake and it'd only stop when I stopped shaking. I forced myself to write at some points, but I just couldn't get through. I'm actually trying to force myself to write this now, and get through to the end. I'm hoping that I can gain some more interest in writing again. Writing has always been something that I loved to do, and I hate having this block...

Oh, and the things that I had written down got lost. I'll get to that.

I think I'll start from Tuesday, June 30th. It was my day to clean the house, which is exactly what I did first thing in the morning. I made myself something to eat, and then I got around to cleaning the house. Once I was done cleaning my fair share, I went back into my room to continue playing Final Fantasy XII, since I had started a new save file. Briana was in the room with me, on her iPod. I was in the middle of starting this kind of--SUPER--important battle when my mom's husband walked in. He was complaining to us about some water bottles that were left empty on the table, when he turned my television off. I was like, "The fuck, dude?" and he started getting all prissy because I wasn't listening. NO, I WAS LISTENING. I may have been watching the television, but I WAS listening. Granted, I shouldn't have kept looking at the t.v. when he was talking, but it wasn't the first time I did that, and I DID repeat everything he had said, word for word. That should've been a clear indicator that I was listening. So, he went on this huge rant about us not behaving, how he didn't want to yell at us... That somehow led to a conversation about personal hygiene and vaginal infections? And towards the end of that rant, I somehow ended up crying and talking about everything that happened between my mom and dad, and about being bothered by people at school. Then HE started tearing up and talking about his childhood in El Salvador, how his father never helped him, etc. At the end of all that, he told me that we'd talk with my mom about her divorce with my dad because I deserved answers... That entire talk was the weirdest one yet. Honestly, it's been days but the thought of thinking about that talk just weirds me out.

So my mom came home an hour later and her husband called out to Briana to go over to the kitchen. I was still teary and in bed at the time. Then, Briana came over and called me over to the kitchen. My mom had her bitch face on, "What "answers" do you need? Because our divorce is in the past, and it shouldn't be affecting you." BUT IT KINDA IS AFFECTING ME? Her divorce causes HER KIDS to not see their dad every day of the week. Her divorce causes us not to focus on school because we constantly have to watch over HER kids when we could be studying. Her divorce keeps us from staying at after school activities/tutoring because she can't afford having us stay an extra hour or two after school--she need someone to watch over her kids, for free. Her divorce has caused us to struggle financially, and we have been for years. And because we struggle financially, we don't get to go out as much, we don't get to buy/spend as much, we don't get to do anything much. This divorce has caused me to not trust in any of my parents... I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. So, when she says that this divorce isn't affecting me... YEAH. It may be in the past, but the consequences are still here in the present day, and they're still going to follow me until the day I move out--whenever that'll be. I'll probably never even go to college because my parents don't have any money saved up, at all. I seriously don't want to take out loans and struggle to pay them back--knowing me, I'll probably be in debt for years.

So she talked to me about some things that happened between her and my dad. Some things seemed believable; some things seemed like things she pulled out of her ass. All the while, her husband was just going, "This is why I tell you to believe your mom." And then she asked me about the kid living across my dad's house... and THAT'S when I regretted ever having spoken to her husband about my problems at school. She kept telling me, "Do you not know what bullying is? BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENING TO YOU. YOU'RE BEING BULLIED AT SCHOOL. Jesus christ, Bianca, I'd expect you to at least know what that is, since you spend so much time on the internet." I never classified anything at school to be considered bullying--I still don't. While she kept talking about me being bullied, I kinda just got up from my seat and walked back to my room. She got really pissed, but after a few minutes, she called my dad to ask if he was home. He kept asking why she wanted to know, and my mom kept replying with, "BECAUSE WE NEED TO TALK." I could hear her telling my sisters that she'd be back soon, and then I heard the door shut. All the while, I was hoping that my dad wouldn't disown me for asking my mom about the divorce... I kind of told her some stuff that I shouldn't have. It wasn't until about an hour later that she came into my room and told me she had talked to the family living across the street. "They don't have any kids that go to your school." And then she told me, "Put your shoes on because we're gonna go talk to that family again." At that point I was already crying again. I wanted to avoid confrontation, ESPECIALLY with that kid. Her husband then came in telling me he would call the police if I refused to put my shoes on. After ten minutes of just going back and forth, they dragged me out the door and into the car. My only fight against them was crying even more; I lacked the energy to put on much of a fight, honestly. On the way to the car, my mom was being all innocent, "This is for your own good. Bullying is a serious matter and you're only going to suffer even more." and I was like, "GO ROT IN FUCKING HELL." I didn't say it, but I was thinking it. I should've said it though, and I really wanted to. I actually just told her that she never cared about me before, and she shouldn't have cared then. She told me, "Of course I care. If something bothers you, it bothers me even more. I'm worried about you." YEAH, NO. Because when we were talking at the table, she completely brushed off the subject of bullying until her husband kept bringing it up. Every time I'd talk about the boy, she'd get really impatient and ask, "OKAY BUT WHAT DOES THAT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE DIVORCE AND BEING BULLIED?" Mom. That boy had everything to do with it.

The entire car ride was really awkward. Her husband would look at me every once in a while through the rearview mirror, and I kept looking out the window to hopefully cheer me up. It didn't work, though. At some parts of the ride, I thought about getting out of the car at intersections... I don't know why I didn't. I should've, since all the doors were unlocked. We parked out by the sidewalk once we arrived and I was starting to get teary again. I REALLY didn't want to confront the guy or his parents. My mom knocked at the door, and a girl answered. I was standing at the side so I couldn't see, but my mom greeted a teen girl, I think. Apparently the girl's mother wasn't there, so my mom told her we'd wait until she arrived. And then my dad showed up. Then they all started talking about bullying, how it could get worse, yada yada. I didn't need to hear that talk; I just wanted to leave that place as soon as possible and never have to worry about seeing that boy again. Because I don't want to keep talking about Tuesday anymore, I'm just gonna skip everything else that happened; basically, the kid doesn't live across the street so I shouldn't have to be afraid of stepping outside my house anymore. But once the school year starts, my parents might go to the administration at school and ask for the kid's address, if he's still bothering me.

And that was Tuesday.

Wednesday, we had to clean up the house because some relatives from my mom's side would be coming to visit for a few days. It took the majority of the day for us to clean the house, but between my sisters and I, we did it. We weren't told to do this, but we also cleaned up our drawers, closets, and bathroom cabinets. We actually did A LOT more than my mom had asked, but she still got super pissed when I didn't have the time to clean the bathroom--it wasn't my fault my sisters took forever to shower when I was supposed to be cleaning. My mom dropped us off at my dad's house, and as we got off, she told me to stay calm--referring to the whole Tuesday situation. Yeah, okay. My dad's house was CRAZY hot inside... The AC in our room wasn't working, and our room was about 85 degrees Farenheit inside, even with the ceiling fan on. Oh, and there was also a thunderstorm, which kinda cheered me up. It was around 11PM that Briana asked us all if we wanted to pull off an all-nighter, since none of us had felt tired... 1AM, everyone had fallen asleep except for me. I went back on to an old website where I had met a few old friends, and that was my plan on staying awake all night. 2AM, I had wanted to give up but it was far too late to quit. Things started to pick up at 3AM when more people started logging in, and I was able to make a few friends. A lot of them were Australians, so that was actually helping me because of the time difference. I talked to the new friends I made until 9AM in the morning, hours later after I accomplished my personal goal of staying up past 6AM. I ended up falling asleep around 11AM and woke up at 3PM. I ate, and then attempted to stay up for the rest of the afternoon. I ended up falling asleep around 8PM. And, let me say, I woke up around 9 or 10PM and fell back asleep. Never once did I touch my phone.

So, Friday. I woke up around 7AM and the first thing I did was check my phone. I went on Facebook, but the app kept shutting down for whatever reason. Sooo, I went on Youtube... that crashed too. Instagram? Yup. It crashed. Even my settings app crashed. I turned my phone off and restarted it, to see if that would fix the problem because whenever my apps crashed, rebooting usually solved the problem. That wasn't the case on Friday, though. I turned my phone off and the phone rebooted... and rebooted, and rebooted. I was stuck in a boot loop. I was kind of panicking since I didn't know what I had done to get stuck on boot loop. I looked online on my dad's iPad to check why I was getting boot loop. A number of things appeared, but I couldn't find anything that helped. I hadn't downloaded anything or updated ANYTHING on Thursday. I also wasn't working on any mods that could've caused my phone to crash. I hardly touched my phone in the previous days, so I honestly didn't know why I had boot loop. The solution was to reset my phone to its factory state... except, I didn't want to do that. I COULD redownload any apps I had--that wouldn't be a problem at all. Thing is, I had Kik & a certain note-taking app installed. I had VERY VERY VERY important messages on Kik, and reinstalling the app would erase all the messages I had sent/recieved. The note-taking app I had was where I wrote ALL my entries before posting, and I also had some other stuff on there that I'd need. I had SO much information on that single app. Luckily for me, I decided to sync that app with my email months ago so in case anything like this happened, I could just redownload it on another phone & sync it with my email again. Except... I didn't sync it for the days I had actually written. So, now, I still have major entries/notes that I had written, but I won't be able to regain the most recent ones. While the older notes that I have are equally important, I'm more concerned about the recent ones because those contained some important information that I needed for my coding/mods... I ended up resetting my phone twice to its factory state. And NOTHING happened. Hours later, I was still stuck on boot loop. My dad took it to the store and even the employees couldn't do anything to fix it. So, I'm officially stuck without a phone... which is where my entry writing takes place. My phone is the only thing that I ever used, and now I'm left without it. My dad wanted me to ask my mom about her phones, since she and her husband have billions of phones without service. I don't want to ask her, though. All her phones are beat up & just generally shitty. My dad's friend has the same model as the one I have, and he'd sell it to my dad for $20... I'm hoping my dad will get it for me, or at least considers getting me a BETTER phone. Honestly, this sounds kinda ungrateful but I'd rather not have a phone than have a shitty one like my mom's old phones. I only ever used my phone for the internet (social media), note taking/writing, and listening to music. That's it. But, I'd still want to have a decent phone to do all of that. My phone was one of the reasons why the kid made fun of me so much, and that kind of embarrassed me. I have no idea when I'll be getting this "phone" though. I'm going to take a lucky guess and say I won't have a phone for the rest of the summer break, or until Christmas when there are specials out there; my dad only gets me a new phone when there are 50-70% deals because he's a cheapo. It hasn't been all bad, though. He's letting me use his iPad, which is kind of the same thing. And, I have my PSP too but no games for it, and I won't be able to write on it. I DO have my iPhone without service on it... but that has boot loop on it too. I was actually practicing some coding on there for a new mod I'm working on, and I uh, messed up extremely bad, to say the least. A friend of mine is working on fixing my errors, though.

Anyway, after getting really upset about my phone, I skyped Elías on the iPad to tell him about my phone. Maybe HE had something that could help… it was kind of hard getting his attention though. I had skyped him while he was in the middle of a boss battle in one of his video games. It wasn’t until I brought Stephen up that he actually turned around.

Me: I don't know how I'm going to make it without a phone. I rely HEAVILY on technology.

Him: Yeah same. *getting ready to start casting Firaga*

Me: ...Ice cream.

Him: Uh huh.

Me: Where's Skyler?

Him: No.

Me: *knowing he's not listening anymore* Are you listening?

Him: Noo.

Me: Oh yeah, STEPHEN came over earlier.

Him: *turning around to face webcam, suddenly interested* Oh yeah? What happened?

Stephen never came over though. But DAMN, that definitely caught his attention. It’s not that he doesn’t care… the boss he was playing against was pretty difficult & I would’ve been paying more attention to the game too... Actually, I DID do that. Back in 2011 when it was my first time playing, he was complaining about his dad and I was playing against that same boss from one of the FF games. Now, a few years later, the roles are switched. And that boss battle is still pretty difficult, which is why I never play that game anymore.

Later that day, my mom picked us up from my dad’s house. Friday was the first time seeing my mom's relatives. It was supposed to be my uncle, his wife, and their two children but they had brought along some other woman with them. We were all going to the outdoor swapmeet, and both cars were pretty cramped. Evelyn and Alejandra rode with my mom while Briana and I rode with my mom’s husband… It was an all-male car except for the two of us and our baby sister. We met our older guy cousin, Julio, on the car ride… Holy shit, that dude had energy. It wasn’t until we were actually walking around that I realized just how energetic both my cousins were. I was so… emotionally closed-off and avoiding physical contact but they were so HAPPY AND FULL OF ZEST and they loved physical contact and oh my god. All Julio wanted to do was talk and all I wanted to do was look out the car window or walk by myself. Towards 9PM, we sat down at the center of the swapmeet to wait for a banda to start playing. We spent about half an hour waiting, and another half hour watching the banda perform. It was 10:03PM by the time we had decided to walk around some more, and then we didn’t get home until 10:30-ishPM. It was around midnight that I had decided to go to sleep. Since our cousins would be sleeping in Briana & I’s room, Briana and I would be sleeping in my mom’s room, where the babies slept. All the other adults slept in the living room on the blow up mattress, and the kids slept with my mom and her husband in their bed… I had SO much difficulty falling asleep on their beds. My feet couldn’t fit on the bed, and there was hardly any room for me to turn around. I woke up around 4:30AM, and by the time I had actually bothered to look at the time, it was already 5:07AM. I somehow ended up falling asleep and woke up at 6AM, when my mom woke us up. They were going to go looking for yard sales, and although I REALLY wanted to go, I chose to pass it up because I honestly didn’t want to spend 5 hours in the car with my guy cousin… How much of a terrible person does that make me? I honestly just didn’t want to spend any time with my family. No offense, but I just... didn't want family time. And, I wanted my bed back.

So, now it’s Saturday! They went to their yard sales and came back around 12:30PM-ish. They brought us McDonald’s, so I guess it wasn’t all too bad for us. My mom had told us we were going to the park to make a carne asada, but that’s not happening anymore. Instead, my mom’s busy in the kitchen making pupusas for everyone to eat at night. We might buy fireworks too, but it’s unlikely. We’ve never bought fireworks anymore, ever since the divorce. But I guess watching them is just as good? I mean, we’re Hispanic, so we don’t really have much of a reason to celebrate 4th of July but it’s still a pretty good excuse to blow up fireworks. Speaking of fireworks, I want to know which of my neighbors is blowing up fireworks in THE DAY. WHEN THE SUN IS OUT. WHEN YOU CAN BARELY SEE THE COLORS. Why would you blow fireworks at this time of day!?

Although I’ve got the iPad to use the internet on, I won’t have anyone to talk to because Elías is going to be busy celebrating his mom’s birthday today with his family, and most of my friends are out of the state to be with their families as well. Stephen & his little sister might come over, though, since his mom is going to be working and he doesn’t have any plans; he's either coming over, or he's taking his sister & I out to by the rich people houses to watch the fireworks. Oh, and Guy might come over too because my mom invited his family over to eat pupusas with us. I guess that’s all pretty good. I’m not too excited about 4th of July this year. I'd like to enjoy the day with my family though. They're not too bad--right now, they're all seated in the living room watching Fast & Furious 7. That, or some action/comedy film. My mom came in to bring us popcorn, but mine's cold now. I honestly just don't have any motivation to do anything, like eat. I'm just a big ol' puddle of blank.

Writing this entire entry was actually extremely painful and tiring. I honestly don’t know how I forced myself to sit down and type this all out, but it was excruciating… How did I ever lose my interest in writing? It all happened so quickly. I’m using Briana’s laptop, but if I can download the same app that I had on my phone on my dad’s iPad, then maybe I can see if I can regain the notes I lost. MAYBE… Tomorrow, we’re supposed to go to the lake with the entire family, and Guy and his family might come with us too. And as far as our plans go, that’s all I know of. I’m hoping that I can somehow find a way to entertain myself tomorrow, since I don’t have my phone anymore… Man. What a shitty July so far. Maybe my birthday will be better, fingers crossed. And now that I’ve got the laptop, I’ll probably edit this later and fix all the weird writing structures in my previous entries. I noticed that they had this really weird format, so if I’m bored enough, I’ll fix them all later. OH. And if I can download the app from before, I'll TRY to find some time to force myself to finish what I already started. Like I wrote at the beginning, there's A LOT that I have to write about--I just need to find the interest in finishing it.

Also, I've been really obsessed with Rage Against the Machine. I didn't know Rap Metal was an actual thing, but I've taken a HUGE liking to it! Evelyn thinks I'm some goth girl who enjoys satanic rituals but... I just really like their music? Oh, and Type O Negative is fucking awesome, too. My favorite song of theirs so far is Christian Woman. They're not exactly my cup of tea, but a lot of their songs are pretty great. And happy 4th of July for those celebrating it today!


Also also, there was this one story from a few years ago when El caused this tree to catch on fire during 4th of July... Two words: illegal fireworks. I TOLD him and his friends that the fireworks looked suspicious but no one believed me! Maybe I'll write about it, since it brings back good memories.




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