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2015-07-04 01:50:43 (UTC)

Crocs, Rocks, and Polka Dots

"Playing Possum For A Peek" by Natalie Evans (Cover of Owen)

1:50 AM

So I thought I was going to bed because that would be healthy, but I guess not. My eyes are tired. That's a good sign, right??


I talked briefly with Laney (she is a vampire bunny, in case you forgot. As defined by me sometime last year???) today. Kind of here and there throughout the day. I try to answer, but it still usually takes me a couple hours.

I also talked to Lily today (Lily is loved. She should just change her actual name to Lily at this point). Dammit, I love Lily. I didn't know it was possible to continue loving a gal (I am a fan of the word 'gal') you've known for nine years.

HOW ARE WE STILL FRIENDS?? Probably because we let our friendship fluctuate. I could get into that but I have other things to talk about.

I spoke to Polaris. SHE WAS SO NICE TO ME.

(My breath just hitched in my lungs, is that what happiness is? Maybe it's the only happiness I'll know)

She said she loved talking to me because she can say psychotic things around me with no judgement. She also said that I reminded her of a cool rock and she likes my sense of humor. !!!!

WHY DO I LIKE THE IDEA OF BEING A ROCK? Jesus christ, I am not hard to please, am I?

I just imagine myself as a smooth pebble or stone, the kind you keep in your pocket and rub when you're nervous.

Polaris said she used to keep a rock collection. She drew smiley faces on them and her favorite one resembled a potato. How cute is she?? Aw. I am into this. Also, I love potatoes. What a versatile food.

Alexis was also talking to me through Polaris's (I hate things like that, where does the apostrophe go? Does it need an extra S???) facebook account.

We had a great argument. Well, i thought it was great. To outsiders, it was probably the dumbest thing you could ever read but you know what? I'm clever. Fuck you.

I didn't really socialize with any of my other friends today :(

Do I have any other friends?? Wait, yes I do. Okay.

I DID go to the mall. I felt really gross and fat, but going out cheered me up.

I bought four pairs of shorts that actually fit me. Also, tank tops. Two cute vintage-y flower shirts. I am very into vintage clothes.
I got a navy blue dress with white polka dots. It's very cute. Also, maroon hoodie, which is the warmest thing ever.

As I was browsing the camis in Forever 21, there was this one lady complaining about how she couldn't find any white larges and we conversed briefly. I liked her. I don't often talk to strangers at all so it was a nice change. I'm just trying to be a little more outgoing, socially.

(GUESS WHAT: masturbation cures head aches. Or maybe it was the orange juice I drank afterwards. Whatever it was, my head was hurting all day and it's fine now. Also, my boobs are so soft)

I showed Lily a picture of me wearing my new high waisted shorts and hoodie. She said I was a cutie!!! I love her. You should love her, too.

My dad bought Crocs. My mom was kind of upset about that, but not enough for it to be a huge deal, haha. He wore them out of the store and walked around the mall in them, oh my gosh. Crocs. Of all things. A store full of footwear. He liked the crocs. He wore them with thick cotton socks.

He also bought some weird thing that allows us to connect our phones to the TV. ???? That's pretty cool. We're slowly advancing into the modern age.

Arcade Fire is such a great band. They make me feel like it's right before dusk on a summer day. Make me feel like I'm riding a bike with my friends and we're making long shadows on the street. It actually makes me kind of sad.

We had pizza for dinner and watched Bob's Burgers. It was a good day.

There was only one thing that kind of sucked, briefly. I said something about April. I mention her a lot around the house. What can I say? For awhile after something/someone dies, I tend to mention it/them a lot... It helps me deal with it. I just like to know that other people miss her too.

Anyway, I said something about April and my dad told me to stop. Like, stop saying things about her and everything. I was kind of shocked... It was weird. I hate feeling like I'm annoying people but it's hardly like I talked about her a lot that day. I mentioned her about three times. Is that a lot? I don't know. The thought of being annoying kinda sickens me.

A few seconds later, he made went, "Wah wah wah, I miss April!"

And I got kind of mad because I thought he was making fun of me. But Caroline calmed me down. She said that he wasn't mocking me, he just has a weird way of expressing his grief.

I've always known he's a bit emotionally stunted (I don't know if that's correct. He just expresses himself... oddly??) but that still surprised me.

Anyway, other than that very strange incident, I'd say the day was very satisfactory :) :) :)

I did think I saw April out of the corner of my eye, but it didn't bring me down much. I'm just very used to having her around, in strange corners, staring at me with those doe eyes, and it hasn't even been a week. This is to be expected.

My neck is so soft.

Goodnight, for real this time, haha. I'm sleepy.
Sigh. It's so easy to love someone when they're not really here.