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2015-07-02 13:55:15 (UTC)

Years of Dreaming

"Bad News" by Owen [I love this, I love this, I love this more than I love myself, wow. It's the way the guitar sounds like a dream oh my gosh oh my gosh]

Whatever it is you think you are
You aren't:
A good friend, unique, well-read
Good-looking, or smart
Well now you know

well I hate to be the one to bear such bad news
I know it hurts to hear
But it's true
You don't mean anything
To anyone but me
And even I think
That you're blinded by conceit
So now you know

July 2, 2015 Thursday 1:56 PM

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU. Who am I talking to?

Days like this are confusing.

I'm very happy. Very, very happy. But it's the looking-out-the-window-on-a-long-drive kind of happy, where you're also a little sad.

I dunno.

I've had some weirdly vivid dreams these past few days.

(The new 21 Pilots album is actually pretty good, I am very into it... I forgot how much I loved them wow)

I can't clearly remember the one from yesterday. I didn't actually sleep much on Monday night (okay, Tuesday morning, whatever). I went to bed early because I was tired and I don't like sleeping in, but I couldn't really sleep.

I got into this weird thing where you feel like you're lying awake in bed for about an hour, but you check the time, and five hours have gone by. You don't feel rested... You don't even feel like you slept. Time just sped up.

That's what happened to me and it made me so mad, ugh. I blinked and there was light coming through the window. Plus, my bladder made me get up at like 7 AM. Fuck you.

I finally got to ACTUAL sleep, but by that time, it was ten AM. So I ended up sleeping until like 2 PM and even that wasn't enough.

There was this weird noise in my bed room, like a machine kind of. Only it was rhythmic and started to sound a bit like someone was breathing under my bed.

That reminded me of Adrian because he told us about how he slept with a knife in his hand because he kept hearing breathing under his bed and when he woke up, it was gone.

Anyway, so this mechanical breathing continued for awhile and eventually I fell asleep. My dream was in school. It was the last day and every teacher was watching different movies. At some point, I was laughing at myself for some reason and then Adrian and his friend, Mike (he's in Peer and I like him, he's interesting) appeared. They were laughing at whatever I was laughing at, too. We laughed until I woke up and it was kind of weird...



I was in my high school cafeteria. I had a pack of cigarettes in my pocket.

I don't remember much except for that the cafeteria was dim. At some point, I was in a car and some bad stuff happened (this is all really vague, I should've written it down earlier, sorry).

(MY NIPPLES HURT. they are honestly so annoying, I just want to be braless and they decide to get all sensitive okay)

I kept smoking. I smoked a lot. I didn't finish my cigarette and that really bothers me.

Why was I even dreaming about that? I don't like cigarettes. They taste bad, they smell bad, they just suck. In my rebellious I-Want-To-Die phase of late 2012, I liked sharing a cigarette with Lily but like??? That's only because I wanted to hurt myself for some reason.

(I know the reasons)

In the end, I was lounging with Laney on a squishy couch. Depressed-hispanic-kid was there. We ended up talking about hardcore partying. Well, they were discussing that (Lily was there, too) while I was zoned out. Jesus, I'm just as social in my dreams as I am in real life.

Later, I dreamt about my little cousin, Destiny. She was being a brat in my dream and I think half the time, we spoke different languages. There was a murderer on the run. That makes sense. I don't know if you've heard, but in my area of New York, there were a couple escaped murderers on the loose. I think they caught them.

I should have been a little more afraid but I kept forgetting about them.


I KEEP FORGETTING THAT I'M HETEROSEXUAL. It's not like I think I'm a lesbian, I just keep forgetting romantic love is a thing that people do and enjoy.

Also, sometimes, I see a pretty girl and I'm like, "Wow, I'd date her," and then I think, "Wait... no I wouldn't."

She's still pretty but I'm not attracted to girls the way I am to boys. It's weird. They're hot, they just don't get my heart beating.

Okay, bye. I have stuff to do and I just spent an hour writing this, why.



So I was just doing some research on asexuality.

I've very, very confused by it, but I'm trying desperately to learn.

It's a very vague thing. Like, some asexual people can be sexually aroused a few times in their life. And they can be romantically attracted to people. I just. ??

I guess I can kind of understand that. I've never been sexually attracted to a person. I think that when I was little, I used to imagine having sex with this one boy from class, but since then, I haven't really done that.

I just can't see myself in any sexual light. In order to masturbate, I have to be thinking of something else.

I just don't find myself sexy, don't see myself having sex, but that might just be because I'm still working on my self-esteem, haha. I do love myself, I'm just trying to see myself as beautiful, okay?

But, to be honest, I've also had trouble seeing myself in a relationship. I can really like a guy, but most of the time, it's kind of weird to imagine myself dating that person. I feel like that is due to other issues that I have, though.

Point is, I've never seen a guy (or a girl) and thought to myself, "I want to fuck you, wow"

Eh, maybe eventually.

Anyway, asexuality is interesting. I want to learn more about it and its specifics. I wish I knew someone who was asexual so they could tell me what it's like for them.