All that is
I'm 26 today. When i woke up it was raining. in my sleepy haze, i wasn't sure what the pitter patter was at first, but then i gathered. It's strange that it should rain considering we're in a 'heatwave' right now as they say, yet here it is. Then 5 minutes later the rain stopped and it became sunny again, as if it was only something I'd dreamt. The rain is exactly how i felt upon waking up today. Was I looking forward to my birthday? No. Will I do anything for it? Probably not. I'll console myself by making as if Morocco was my birthday thing. Do i like the feeling of being 26? nah, don't think I do to be honest. why is this, you ask? Since colombia, and since starting at R I've found myself slowing but surely spiralling into this well of hopelessness and negative inward reflection. It's being manifested in several ways: I loathe every other person I cast my eyes upon - for seeming so content with the structure that I find so subjugating and suffocating. I've also neglected looking after myself in the most simplest of ways. Don't get me wrong, i shower and brush my teeth - but then, these are core necessities. I'm talking about the minor details that make the difference between 'put-together' and scruffy. Unless a notable event (party, holiday..) demands it, on a number of occasions now my eyebrows have reached the point of crying out for attention before I can be fucked to tweeze them into some kind of discernable shape. My legs, the same. They don't see an electric razor unless my legs are to come out. And even then, how much of my legs I shave is directly related to how many centimeters will be revealed by the trousers or skirt I plan on wearing. Otherwise, if there's anyway of avoiding it, I will. My skin too. I'm on ro-accutane at the moment. the last resort drug that young people take when acne and its social challenges drive them to the point of despair. Side effects include reddened skin, sensitive skin, intense dryness all over, increased chance of eye infection, hayfever, styes..i could go on. More severe side effects include blindness, liver failure, depression (could this be why i feel like this?). Yet today on the day of my birthday, a spot that has been brewing on my face since yesterday morning has peaked. I don't understand how this could be since I've been on ro-accutane for the last 3 months. It's come out of nowhere and placed itself on the right side of my face, 4 centimetres from my nose - an area difficult to conceal. It's a single spot, but its message is angry and red, a show of defiance that says "I will be with you until the end." I'm being melodramatic. I'm sure my diet is to blame - just the grease and sweets i ate in morocco being purged. So even the toxicity of accutane cannot shield me from this. Not surprised. My mouth has pretty much been a free-for-all. anything goes. I eat anything, anytime, anyhow. My appetite for desserts, pastries, cake and cream is voracious when it comes (this is usually is a sound indication of my mental and emotional state). I also don't go to the gym anymore, despite being part of the gym membership through my work.
Speaking of new workplace, I'm miserable there. I've never hated anything more in my life. Its like a factory, mechanical and fast, and we are it's workers (slaves?). It really is a modern day plantation. You cannot leave until you've finished work. That dreadful feeling of going into work in the morning knowing that a proposal (the topic of which you could not give less of a fuck about) must be completed today yet not knowing how this will happen. You don;t know where to find the energy to care to write something meaningful enough that can pass.
My probation interview is 4 weeks away and I'm not hopeful. It's a demoralising situation to be in because I need them to keep me on as I rely on the income to pay my rent, yet i desperately need to leave if I'm to remain sane.
I called in sick today and left early yesterday yet Simon mearns hasn't said a word. I emailed this morning, then went back to bed. Woke up at 11am and checked my email for a response from him - perhaps something along the lines of 'thanks for letting me know...' etc. But nothing. He's not a great person, and i suspect that few of them there, are. Simon Nash, for one. What an unpleasant human being. He tries to give off a semblance of caring but he's an incredibly underdeveloped character, morally. With a huge inferiority complex. For example, when he talks to me, he says things that I couldn't possibly understand due to how little a time I've been in the company and in my role. He'll deliberately (I'm convinced) assume my knowledge of research 'theories' that I couldn't possibly be well versed in, purely because he wants to display his knowledge on said theory, and not because he's interested in teaching me or having a meaningful exchange. Conversation is a give and take exercise, or it ought to be at least - listening and responding, hence why it is important to ensure that whoever you;re in conversation with understands the language you speak and the point you wish to convey. But this isn't his style. He simply wants to say his piece to satisfy his delusions of grandeur. When he speaks its not for my ears but for the ears of everybody within hearing shot - an audience that exists only in his own mind - to parade his 'intellect'. It's a cringeworthy exercise in self inflation and it makes me wince. And yet a part of me pities him as I can't imagine what it must feel like - the psychological torture of pushing 40 - stuck in an unsatisfactory job for 7 yrs where I wield zero power and influence. All the while, the other part of me wants to destroy his face with a bat. He no doubt has a fragile ego and zero sense of accomplishment. Childish fuck.
The whole experience is slowly turning me into a negative and bitter person.