LustingforNightmares

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2015-06-29 23:23:18 (UTC)

Wily Comets


"Perth" by Bon Iver

I'm tearing up, acrost your face
move dust through the light
to fide your name
it’s something fane
this is not a place
not yet awake, I’m raised of make

still alive who you love
still alive who you love
still alive who you love

in a mother, out a moth
furling forests for the soft
gotta know been lead aloft
so I’m ridding all your stories
what I know, what it is, is pouring — wire it up!

you’re breaking your ground

June 29, 2015 Monday 11:32 PM


I must've been listening to Welcome To Night Vale before falling asleep Saturday night because I dreamt of throat spiders and dancers.

I have to say, the dream was as disturbing as the dream was as it was stunning.

I remember running and I never wanted to stop because everything was turning into spiders. Plus, everyone had caught throat spiders (this reminds me of the second David Wong book I read earlier this year, This Book is Full Of Spiders, because the creatures that invaded people's bodies were arachnids and liked to control people's bodies by embedding themselves in their throat by the spinal chord, and also under the tongue).

Here's an excerpt from episode 70A, Kevin speaking, "Once, my hometown of Desert Bluffs had a deadly outbreak of throat spiders. Hundreds were diagnosed with this usually-treatable disease, but it was a particularly virulent strain, and many people died, or were left without voices and lower jaws when it was all over. Almost a day wouldn't go by where you didn't hear a fit of strenuous coughing, punctuated by a muffled *pop* only to turn around and see a cascade of tiny spiders pouring over the craggy ledge that used to be a person's lower teeth."

So that imagery stuck in my head and is what I saw in that inner world of mine while I was asleep.

There were dancers, too.

They were weirdly haunting, otherworldly, and weren't affected by all the chaos around them. Plus, they had their own light show and dance routines.

I remember they all had dead eyes, an impassive expression, and wore white leotards.

I only remember a couple of the dancers. Two were black-haired twins, they were creepy. Very pale with reddened eyes. There was another girl with curly hair, dark skin the color of caramel, and a nose pointing downwards. Her brow stuck out. That, combined with the nose, made her look really angry.

They were all beautiful, just... disturbing. Ethereal is probably the word. Okay, not quite. I need something a bit darker.

Last night's dream was a little simpler. I dreamt of taking an English final exam. I didn't finish before the time was up, plus I accidentally dropped my review book under the desk, so I was worried they would think I had cheated.

---
CUTE STUFF FROM FRIENDS BECAUSE THAT SHOW IS ALRIGHT AND I DON'T SEEM TO HATE IT ANYMORE:

Monica - "How'd you get to be so cute?"

Chandler - "Well, my grandfather was Swedish... and my grandmother was actually a tiny lil bunny."

..

Ross - "Are you angry with me because I said your handwriting is childlike?"

Phoebe - "No, that made me feel precious!!!"

THESE 'PEOPLE' ARE ACTUALLY CUTIES SOMETIMES

---

I went to Laney's today. That was fun, it was nice to see her and I liked being around her doggies.

I dunno, we didn't do much. I don't know why she likes hanging out with me, I'm not entertaining. Plus, I had an unsatisfying night of sleep and so was really dully.

Whatever, I'm not complaining. I got human contact, doggy contact, and and and her momma bought raspberries.

So the day was good.

I also had an appointment with Pat.

I don't know why I put so much hope in it. It wasn't great. It didn't solve all my problems. It didn't even really answer any of my questions.

Maybe I just wanted her to tell me none of it was my fault and I am right and good and I didn't make any mistakes and I did the best I could.

But the thing is, even though it wasn't my fault, I am not always right and good. I did make mistakes and I didn't do the best that I could've, so all she could say to me was that I needed to learn and make up for it.

!!! I know that. I'm trying to do that.

She also asked me how I was feeling, aside from grief. I was right, I hadn't seen her since spring break. She hadn't known about any of that stuff and I don't know how I'm alive ahhaa I honestly don't. Not from the past two months, but I mean, I'm suddenly just thinking about how... never mind, I don't want to think about that.

She asked me how I was doing with anxiety and I said, "Okay, I guess."

And then I went on to tell her all about my worries. I worry about pretty much everything.

I just don't think I can do any of it. I'm so scared. I can't do anything, I can't take care of any living creature, I can't take care of my friends, I can't keep promises to myself, how am I going to live life????

Oh god, I'm never going to make it or do anything and my entire life, I'll be dipping my toes in the water, I'll be on the surface of my mind.

I'm so uncomfortable and disturbed and I miss April. I washed her food bowl yesterday and it's still sitting where it has sat for awhile, but there's no food in there because what's the point

I'm just, I'm so overwhelmed. No wonder I'm having so many nightmares. I half just want to die because I'm so tired of being afraid... but I don't want to die, what am I even talking about?

I hope I cry a lot this week to get it out of my system because I have Peer next Monday and I don't want to cry there. I mean, I know that's what you're supposed to do (if you need to) but I've done it a lot (like three or four times) since April (the month, not the dog) and I just... I don't want to make people sad.

I WISH I COULD STOP THIS, THOUGH. The anxiety. I forget it's there and I tend to think it's my personality, but it's not... It's just goddamn time, goddamn time.

Last month was not December.

Last month was not December.

It hard to remember.

I'm going to end this on a positive note.

I talked to X, Polaris, and Alexis on Facebook today. I like them a lot. They always cheer me up.

Oh, and I forgot, Laney and I talked about trans rights today. She invited me to her World Cup party but I don't want to go, especially since I made plans to go to the animal shelter tomorrow.

I also have to cook dinner and vacuum/shampoo the carpet (the pee smell is still somewhat there in one of her favorite spots was under the dining room table, aka the carpet).

I almost don't want to do this but I want to prove to my dad that I can handle another dog. I need to be patient, though, I know that. I think he'll want to wait a few months. I hope not, though. I wanted to spend the summer exploring the woods and I only like doing that while talking out loud to my buddy. My buddy left though!!! :(

I was thinking of naming a new dog Wily. If it doesn't already have a name.

I like the word Wily a lot and I think it's cute. Plus, it reminds me of one of my favorite songs (A Comet Appears by The Shins, "one hand on this wily comet").


Okay, goodnight. I'm kinda stressed, but also happy. Content. A lot better than I was yesterday. Things are nice.

PS:

I almost forgot. Yesterday, I realized that whenever I off-handedly think about Elise, a certain song plays in my head??

I didn't even realize??

It's Pavements by Natalie Evans, only because she suggested it to me. It's so cute, though!!!! :D :D :D

Oh my gosh, I'm happy.


PPS:

Oops, I was just reading her diary again (I'm tryna get through the whole thing) and apparently, she is a spider so I am no longer a spider (I know this is weird but whenever I'm the same as someone else, I feel like I'm... becoming?... them and I don't like it... it usually doesn't bother me this much but she's gone and idk it's different). At heart, I may be spider-like, but maybe I can be a different arachnid, like uh... a scorpion. No. A lobster. I'm a fucking lobster. Butter me up, baby

who am I kidding, I'm a spider because they're freaky okay I'm sorry. Y'know, I'd rather be a ladybug. Treat me as such.



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