azerbach

Diario
2015-06-27 15:18:22 (UTC)

i'm sorry baby

I'm so sorry.

I never gave you a chance.

I wanted you, I wanted to meet you, to know you, to watch you grow and help you on your way.

I wanted to be there for you.

But I didn't. What I did do was kill you.

I took drugs so that I would be okay with it. I numbed myself to the pain because I wanted it to be easy to destroy your chance at life. I shouldn't have done that. I didn't deserve ease. I didn't deserve peace. I deserved all the pain and more.

I bet that you would have been wonderful, and sweet, and kind, and better than me.

I don't ever want to get pregnant again. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve another chance after failing you so miserably. I don't even deserve to continue living after what I did to you.

All the old urges I had... Which you would have learned about, in time... are coming back. Your father doesn't want me to engage in them but I'm not going to tell him about them. I'm going to feel the pain and I'm going to exacerbate it. I can never suffer enough to atone for what I did, but at least I can suffer for it.

When he's not looking I punch myself. Today I will likely begin purging again. Not for you, because I'm sure that you wouldn't want me to suffer, but because no person should do what I did and be okay. I should have died then and there. I should have died with you. I don't deserve to live, and yet here I am. The least I can do is suffer.




Ad: