Brooke the goat

can you not
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2015-06-25 01:47:18 (UTC)

Bad day

Rio de Janeiro, June 24th, 2015

I can't remember having had one day as stressful as today. Well, for starters, i'm terrible at math and today had math test, and guess who was horrible at math test? That's right, me.

I found the teacher in the school hallway and she asked my name. When i said my name she looked at me and said that my test was horrible. I already knew that, but i felt horrible because i studied a lot and i still went wrong in the test. I explained the situation to the teacher, told her that i had studied a lot but at the time of the test i was very nervous and i forgot everything. Course i don't want her to feel sorry for me, just said that to justify my bad note.

But she looked at me coldly and said "it was not enough."
The worst thing you can do to me is to put the words "not" and "sufficient" in the same sentence and tell them to me.
Many people say that i'm not enough, what i did was not enough, i didn't help enough. I'm never enough and think i'll ever be.

At first was very angry with myself. And i have a terrible habit that when i am angry, sad or stressed and i can't express myself, i picked up my phone and my headset and i place the music in maximum volume and go out walking down the street.

Sometimes i take a bus, a taxi, a train or even the subway. I walk around town aimlessly trying to calm me. I do it because sometimes i can't cry. Then i usually get away from everyone. I often ran away from school and go out walking around town.

This is a horrible habit that i have because i go out of the place with my head exploding and with a super loud music in headphones. I don't hear anyone, not even my own thoughts. I cross the street without looking to either side, i go into bus without knowing where it goes. I am completely aimless. And i just do this to calm down. walking around the city helps me organize my thoughts and listen to music calms me.

Anyway, today i did it and after walking so much i decided to go home. everything was fine as i walked down the street and thought of nothing. I was just enjoying my music quietly.

But when i got home and i turned off the music, i recalled all the times that people said i was not enough. Something happened that had not happened to me for years. I started to cry uncontrollably.

My mother called me and i tried to hide it. She couldn't know that i was crying. but c'mon, she's my mother and knows me very well. Maybe not much. Anyway, she realized i was crying and asked why this and that's when i broke down in tears. I cried on the shoulder of my mother as a little girl who had a horrible nightmare.

Well, i'm okay now. But i'm not ready to school tomorrow.

When i'm stressed i usually listen:

- Ed Sheeran
- Passenger
- Sam Smith
- Mikky Ekko

it's 12:14AM, good night

- Brooke