LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2015-06-24 20:32:47 (UTC)

I'm Pissed At My Dad


8:32 PM

I'm pissed at my dad. Ugh.

I was downstairs, eating a sandwich and was on my phone. He started asking questions like, "Are you addicted to your phone?" and I got mad and he took it away.

I don't care that he took it away, I'm angry because he fucking never gives up on the fucking addicted to technology thing. Ever since I got a phone in seventh grade, ever since he read a stupid article in some science magazine, every time he sees us with our phones out, HE JUST HAS TO COMMENT ON IT.

And you know what? In some ways, he's right. He's right! But I'm his daughter and I've heard his spiels a thousand times. I know better by now.

Besides, I don't even have an addictive personality!

I asked my mom to talk to him but she's talking to Abuelita right now so I let her be.

I doubt she can help, though. My dad would NEVERRR hurt my mom, but he gets this look on his face that scares her. It reminds her of her dad, who was abusive. So she just takes his side.

That also kinda pisses me off because then my mom comes to me, complaining about the same things, and she never talks to him about it. Not that he would listen anyway.

I can mediate their fights easily, but can't seem to stay calm when he gets me mad??

I literally start yelling .5 seconds after he says things, in that voice of his.

What sucks is that we've actually been getting along relatively well these past few weeks.

See, I like my dad when he's not trying to relate to me or teach me lessons.

In fights, he doesn't listen to me and that stresses me out. So then I cry and then I get mad at myself for crying. Because if I cry, he's even more sure that I'm crazy and that I love my cell phone so much and that I can't breathe without it.

It's a trap. If I don't complain, he thinks I'm bluffing and he keeps it as long as he can. If I do complain, he's even more sure that he's right and he keeps it as long as he can. He's even admitted that it's a trap before and his only reasoning is that he's the parent.

I've gone days without my cell phone. Last year, I didn't have a phone for five months. I!!! Was fine!!! But of course, he doesn't remember any of that because he's crazy. Jesus christ, he's an ass.

He never listens, he never listens, he never listens.

You know what, this is my own fault. I shouldn't have gotten angry. If I just ignored him, he wouldn't have taken it away.

I'm such an idiot. Whenever he says something I disagree with, I jump in like he'll even listen to me.

He won't. He's a reasonable guy, but only hears himself.

We love him, but this is the main reason for all the fights we get into with him. All of them. We're stupid.

Either there's something wrong with him or we're just sensitive.

It's probably both, honestly.

*sigh*

I'm going to try and talk to him but if I start to yell, I'm walking away because he'll just keep it forever.

So much for texting my friends about April.

That's another thing, actually. I just realized I hate sympathy? Like, I told my friends about my dog and they told me they were sorry. They said they were here if I wanted to talk about it. They asked me if I was okay.

I don't know why I hate that so much. It just makes me want to run away.

And you know what, if I wasn't okay, I'd want to be alone with it. I always say that and maybe it's not such a bad thing. Maybe I just like to deal with this stuff alone.

It's very nice that they care, but I don't want to talk about it, I just want to let them know what's going on because they're my friends and they knew my baby. They would want to know if she's going to go.

Besides, I'm fine. I'll probably cry after she dies, I'll probably print a thousand pictures, but...

I don't know, I'm bad at dealing with sad things. I can never really show how I feel about it until I'm alone. When I'm with people, I laugh about it. I know I seem apathetic from the outside. It's kinda scary, actually. I just feel better when I'm able to, with a dead face, say what's happening out loud.


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