LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2015-06-23 17:26:47 (UTC)

Neglect

"It's Not You, It's Me" by Coconut Records

Back by demand
Do whatever you can
You look older I can tell by your hands
Drinks only gin, says it's how to keep thin
And she’s crying after every meal
Lord you don’t know how you’re making me feel


5:29 PM

Do you ever just love someone so much you want to kiss them? Not in a romantic way, either. Like, you just love and miss someone so much, you want to press your lips to their lips or their cheek, hug them as tight as you can.

Because I do and it kind of sucks because I usually feel this way too late.


----
I'm reading my older entries, now. I don't think I knew how to express myself because I most of them are about being depressed. I don't really remember being depressed last year.

Oh, wait no... I kind of was. But no more than I am this year, it's just I had a different outlook on life.

I like my memory self better. I'm a lot less gross that way. I only ever wrote about sad things way back when. I hope no one reads those. I don't want anyone to think I'm like that.

I also hope I don't dwell too much on sad things these days, either.

OH GOSH, I WAS ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. THE ONE'S WHO THINK THEY'RE MORE MATURE THAN OTHER PEOPLE THEIR AGE.

THIS IS THE CONSEQUENCE OF TELLING SOMEONE THEY'RE "MATURE FOR THEIR AGE" NEVER DO THAT. FOR ONE THING, THAT'S KIND OF INSULTING TO OTHER KIDS THEIR AGE. PLUS, They get this weird superiority complex (Olivia has it and it's so annoying). Oh my gosh, I hope I have some modesty now. I don't want to think I'm better than other sixteen year olds. Truthfully, I can say that I'm pretty much at their level.

Actually, no. I'm not even at the level of other sixteen year olds. For one thing, I am seriously considering ordering a twenty piece set of hot wheels. I want to play with them.

guys!!! Guys!!! MY MOMMY IS BUYING ME A SANDWICH, I'M SO HAPPY.

Oh, and I was just reading her diary and she said this about being on her period,

"I feel like a princess whose having virgin sacrifices being performed in her vagina without permission..... gosh that was probably one of the weirdest sentences I've ever composed oops."

WOW, WOW, I LOVE HER.

----

"Half Light I" by Arcade Fire

Our heads are just houses
Without enough windows
They say you hear human voices
But they only echo


9:03 PM

Okay so I have been thinking about bisexuality. Not about me being bisexual. If I'm bi, then I won't know until I crush on a girl, haha. I mean, if it's a spectrum, which people say it is, I am probably leaning slightly towards being bi. Girls are sexy. I love girls.

I read online something like, "If you're sexually attracted to a girl, you're bi"

Looking it up, that's actually the definition, in which case, I'm basically bisexual. But I don't think I'd date a girl unless I was romantically attracted to her either, which is why I don't think I really identify with that term.

In short, what is bisexuality??? I feel like if no one was damaged by the past, we'd all be sexually attracted to everyone else, so shouldn't it really be about who you can fall in love with? But I guess if you're free enough to be sexually attracted to anyone, you're also free enough to fall in love with anyone. EHHH.

---

I just got really disoriented. I looked outside and it was all dark and I was like, "What? It's like four??"

I'm really kind of sad... OH SHIT I FORGOT TO TAKE MY PILL TODAY!!! Damn it. That's not why I'm sad but I am disappointed in myself.

I don't really have anything to write, but I want to. Writing makes me feel less alone.

Lily is leaving on Friday. Alexis left?? Today, I think?

Caroline got an internship at the art place downtown where I'm taking a class next week. I told her, "The only thing that makes me nervous is I don't think I'll have anyone to sit with at lunch."

I hope she's the teaching assistant so she can help me be less lonely.

AHHHH.

I hope everyone else is friendless, too. I hate entering a class where people are already friends, because then they don't really feel like including you. They don't have to. They already have their people.

The wind is making the leaves bend into each other and they're all singing.

*sighhhhh*

I've had a lot on my mind today. Well, no. Just one thing, really. Always on my mind.

I think I'll go take April for a walk now. I kind of feel like she's reaching the end of her days and it's okay!!! I'm not sad yet.

But I want to make her sooper happy. I didn't do enough before.

You know, my friends probably don't realize it, but I'm trying really hard with them. I'm very unreliable. Very, very unreliable. I'm not the type to maintain conversations. If you're not around me, I can go months without talking to you, even if I think about you constantly.

Lately, I've really been trying to stay in touch, though.

Mostly with people I know very well.

I'm easily freaked out and hurt, so if you don't answer me or if I think you're uninterested in the conversation, if you never message me first, blah blah blah, I probably won't talk to you much. Even if I really want to.

What? Yeah, I know, I shouldn't be so insecure but I'm soft and you aren't.

Wow, I feel passive aggressive right now, hahah. Funny because I'm sure that the people I'm even trying to address don't read this thing.

ANYWAY. I don't need my lil friend-babies to appreciate how hard I'm trying. But I'm kind of proud of myself.

Sure wish I did this way earlier. Wayyy earlier.

I will never lose anyone again due to my own mistakes. Nope. Except for in the distant future, when I've changed and developed new and different detrimental habits.... BUT I MEAN. I will never leave them like that again. I won't neglect them anymore.

My reasons are kind of selfish. I never want to feel this kind of regret and guilt ever again. If they have to go, I want to know that I seized every moment that I could.

Or at least, I want to know that I really tried.


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