LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2015-06-21 23:45:16 (UTC)

I Am Creature Of The Night

"Sunrise, Sunset" by Bright Eyes

[I was going to post all the lyrics but it really lengthened the entry. They're really good, though. Really capture how mundane life seems sometimes]

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ADDITIONS TO JUNE MUSIC LIST (I forgot to add them because I was in pain)

***Close Your Eyes by Young Love (this song gives me hope. reminds me of warm days. Tried looking up the genre but all I got were young adult romance novels)

No Idea by Young Buffalo (I only heard this song today so I don't know if I love it yet, I don't even really know if it's good)

Peaches by In The Valley Below (same case)

Sunrise, Sunset by Bright Eyes (creepy, depressing, AKA my music preference. Emo indie folk, indie rock)

Clairaudients by Bright Eyes (THIS IS REALLY WEIRD AND CREEPY. IT REMINDS ME OF SONGS BY SET FIRE TO FLAMES - yet another band recommended by the beautiful goddess, Elise, thank you very much - AND I QUITE LIKE IT)

My Brother Taught Me How To Swim by Passion Pit (I really like it. Synth pop?)

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11:53 PM


Last night, I went to bed at like two in the morning. I was going to talk about porn (or was it masturbation?) but now I don't feel like it. I rarely ever write when I'm horny. Probably because I'd rather be doing other things ;)

ANYWAY. I had to get up a little before nine because, since it's Father's day, Caroline and I promised to go to church with him.

God DAMN, it was boring.

I don't understand why he likes that church so much??? He says the community is addictive. He's probably so glad he found this church. Everywhere else requires you to believe in god and my dad doesn't.

I asked him if he did today. I've always known he hasn't, so he replied, "Do you even KNOW me?"

I was like, "People change!!! Some people grow up believing in god only to later decide he's not a thing, why can't it happen the other way around?"

"Good point. But no, I don't believe in god."

HIS REASONS:

He says, "There is no real definition of god, so how can he exist?"

I said, "Well, I think people kind of have this vague image of him in their head. Isn't that definition?"

He said, "No. It's too vague... blah blah blah words that made sense in a way"

He had another reason, too, but I can't remember. I like talking about religion with him.

I don't know, though. As much as I would like to believe there is a god, I think the opposite is just too ingrained in my system.

My momma is Catholic, but I didn't even kNOW that until I was like, eight or something. My dad is the one who would talk about his beliefs if we asked questions. My mom, not so much.

Dad was our OMNISCIENT BEING and Mom was GREAT ONE WHO PROVIDES FOOD AND WARMTH AND LOVEEEE.

Not that my Dad isn't loving, but Mom was around more.

Point is, just like people raised into religion, I was raised into... I don't want to say logic. That makes religious people sound irrational, and that's not what I was trying to say.

I have a hard time believing anything, though. It can be a problem at times, but for the most part I don't mind and this is quite the tangent.

WOW. BACK TO WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT BEFORE... CHURCH IS REALLYYYYY BORING.

I didn't drink coffee today. I'm going to stop drinking it for a while to see if I have more energy.

So we went on a really long hike around a lake after church. Like five hours.

I don't mind, it was beautiful.

I saw some lime green spiders. They're graceful and look like acrobats, but my heart still skips a beat whenever they move.

I saw the silhouette of an ant on a leaf.

Mushrooms growing on trees.

Lichen.

All these pretty things.

We came back home and my head hurt for like five hours. I thought I was dehydrated so I drank like a liter of water, but it didn't get any better. I just ended up having to pee like every five minutes.

(I also read about stonehenge and the theories people have come up with as to how they moved those gigantic rocks. It's so interesting)

I ENDED UP GETTING A MIGRAINE. In case you don't know, migraines feel like someone is punching one part of your head from the inside. It makes me nauseas. Also, I get really sensitive to sound and light and pretty much any stimulation at all.

Having a migraine is super boring. I spent a long time on the couch with a pillow over my face, fucking ridin' those waves of nausea and pain. Yayyy. After awhile, it actually becomes kind of nice, though.

You're alone in your head and it hurts so much, you can't overthink anything. So you end up just repeating a tune or some words in your head.

I was playing a song.

It's actually relaxing once you settle down and let the pain do whatever it wants. Go ahead, make moving and blinking impossible! Who cares? Not me!

I just took a shower. I'm naked, I was holding my boob a second ago. Very soft.

I love night time.

I'm really happy today.

PS:

I FORGOT!!!
YOU KNOW HOW I'M A SPIDER??? (I'm a spider, in case you didn't know.)

I AM ALSO A SECRET CHICKEN.

Caroline and I were sketching in her notebook during the hike and she drew me as this weird chicken being, ahha, and said, "Ronks, you're a secret chicken,"

and i like that, I like that a lot.

We also decided that there should be a horror story about Chicken Forest. We named the forest we were hiking in. Granted, it already had a name, but Chicken Forest is better. Yes, there was an incredible lack of chickens besides me, but whatever.

The story would be centered around Chicken Forest. The Chickens would have teeth?? They would hide behind trees. That's prettyyyy much all we got so far. And it'd be fucking scary, okay, birds are weird.

I used some charcoal from leftover fires to write "RUN" and "CHICKEN FOREST" and "DON'T LET THEM CATCH YOU" on trees and rocks and stuff. A productive day.

Ronks is my nickname, by the way. I hate it, haha. I'd rather be called V or Ronnie. But no, I got the nickname Ronks because when I was a little, I had a friend and he had a speech impediment. He couldn't pronounce my name so he would say Verunkuh.

IT'S BEEN LIKE NINE YEARS BUT THEY STILL CALL ME THIS.


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