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When it doesn't come easy.
2015-06-20 03:35:21 (UTC)

What have I done...

jobless...friendless...and for too many days/hours of the week - husbandless and trapped with his family. Oh the nights. How the nights wear on me. Corrode me. So many nights now in the last two months..alone. Too unsettled to sleep. Too exhausted to progress towards settlement.

I'm struggling. I don't feel like this is any different than when we were apart for that last month. The only difference is that I don't have any of my own people or own things to fill the void.

And there is definitely a void. I'm lifeless, listless, low and insecure. 2 weeks into this eternity.

I pulled up to the house tonight, groaning at the thought of running into one of his parents and having to explain where I'd been...."Oh.. I didn't expect you to be out..." I'd just nod, try to make my way downstairs while she waits for me to "volunteer" information. The follow up question would hit my as I go for the door to the basement, and at nearly 30 years of age, I'd have to "explain" why I was coming in at 11pm on a Friday night, which, for the record was to go get tampons. Anyway as i thought about the possible upcoming exchange, I realized that there were multiple times in the last 2 weeks (this being one of them) where, for a moment, I actually believed that maybe this was just a bad dream. We would never do this. It actually seemed so much like a bad dream tonight that relief even started to creep in. My mind was actually so convinced for a moment that my life was a nightmare, that a short burst of warmth spread through my veins with the comfort that none of it was real. Then my mind started working again... and realized the plot and memories were all just a bit too deep and elaborate....that we had, indeed, decided to do all these things. We did, indeed...risk it all.

It doesn't really even feel like us these days. You are always sleeping, I'm always bothered about something, or exhausted by all the decisions, incessant talking, or agitated by the number of people butting into my life. We both sleep little, and not at all together. When we do, I don't sleep... I am waiting for an alarm to go off, or just putting some time in, even if I've slept for over 10 hours already. But it's not real.

And when will that closeness come back? the togetherness? The oneness? Do you notice? As long as we kept up our recreational activity...would you even notice? Would you guess how lonely I am? How incredibly alone I feel....even when being suffocated by your family? Do you feel it too? Or is it all the same to you as long as we keep up our extra curriculars? To me...to me it feels as bad or worse as when there was two thousand miles separating us. Maybe that was easier to live with because it was temporary....and this is just our life now.




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