"The Recluse" by Cursive
I wake alone, in a woman's room I hardly know.
I wake alone and pretend that I am finally home.
The room is littered with her books and notebooks.
I imagine what they say, like,
'shoo fly, don't bother me."
And I can hardly get myself out of her bed,
For fear of never lying in this bed again.
Oh christ, I'm not that desperate am I?
Oh no - oh god I am.
How'd I end up here to begin with?
I don't know. why do I start what I can't finish?
Oh, please don't barrage me with he questions to all those ugly answers.
My ego's like my stomach
It keeps shitting what I feed it.
But maybe I don't want to finish anything anymore
Maybe I can wait in bed until she comes home and
"you're in my web now - I've come to wrap you up tight 'til it's time to bite down."
I wake alone in a woman's room I hardly know.
I wake alone and pretend that I am finally home.
June 18, 2015 Thursday 5:08 PM
I AM GOING TO DO TERRIBLE ON MY TRIG EXAM TOMORROW.
Today has been weird.
I stayed up kinda late last night, didn't want to sleep. My dream was so??? Strange?
There was this boy. He's a freshman but is very smart, already at my math and science levels. He definitely has better grades, though, haha. I don't actually know him at all. He's generally quiet.
I remember him because
1) I remember his freshman friend, also in my science level, who is kinda loud... he's alright, though, pretty eyes
2) He has a flowing mane of bright red hair. It's natural, too. Wavy and it goes down to his shoulders.
Anyway, in my dream, we had this romance which I found really weird after I woke up.
What is it with me and redheads? (The real question is, why are redheads so beautiful???)
It's especially weird because he's been in my dream before, only he was wearing a dress. He looked really nice, though. Boobs were small but pretty. God, my brain is ??? what???
GUYS I'M PSYCHIC.
I'm not psychic but I like to pretend that I am.
Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night and a minute or two later, when I'm drifting in that space between sleep and wakefulness, I get a text. It's super weird.
That happened again! Only, I woke up at around eight thirty in the morning. Looked at my phone like I was expecting a call. AND IT RANG. IT RANG. I GOT A CALL.
It was from Olivia. She asked if she could come over because she was at the school for a review session. Turned out the session wasn't until one in the afternoon and she had no way home. I kinda mumbled stuff I didn't remember. I was going to go back to sleep but I didn't want her to feel awkward with my family.
So yeah, I guess hanging out with her was alright. Kinda boring.
To be honest, I am a quiet person and I think that made her feel awkward. Like, I can be talkative for forty or so minutes at the most, but after that I lose the energy and the material. I like people who talk a lot or people who are okay with quietness. I'm even quiet online, and people think I don't like them.
I mean, I think a lot, but who cares??? They don't. And that's fine, it's not like I want to tell them what's on my mind.
She seemed really uncomfortable most of the time. Told some stories about interactions with other people.
This is mean but Olivia's stories are really dull. She talks about brief conversations with other people sometimes and it goes like, "Yeah and she said something really funny that I can't remember and *laughs* and yeah, it was really cool. But yeah, I really liked just being with that person! That person was really cool. I want to do that more! *laughs* Oh my god, and later, so-and-so walked in the room and smiled and that person just said something like 'what are you happy or something?' and it was *nods* it was quite the experience"
On one hand, good for her! Good that she's proud of stuff!
On the other, I don't care. I'm a horrible person.
Olivia shouldn't hang out or even associate with me, I'm just not good enough for her presence, haha. She should be friends with people who appreciate all the parts of her that I find really annoying and boring.
OH, I JUST HAVE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT ONE MORE THING AND THEN I'LL STOP BEING MEAN.
She does this thing where she acts like she knows me really well?? It makes me mad, partly because I hate feeling vulnerable and being close with someone is basically that. But more so, we've only know each other since late October???
She doesn't know me that well and I don't need her treating me like a young child, which she does at times (she's patronizing).
I tried to break off my friendship with Sam, like, a month ago. I was sad, though, because Sam seemed really angry at me when I was trying to be really subtle about drifting away from her.
Feeling guilty, I told Olivia about it and she said, "I get the feeling you don't like it when people dislike you." In this tone like she knows me more than I know myself??? She might as well have given me a noogie.
I'm less mad now that I write about it, though, because I know she was just projecting herself onto me. My theory was proven when she said that exact thing about herself earlier today.
OKAY I'M DONE I'M SORRY OLIVIA I STILL LOVE YOU SORRY SORRY SORRY
Hanging out with Olivia stresses me out.
She's not me, she's not me, she's not me and I need to remember that. She's not me a couple years ago, she's smarter. She's not me.
I'm tired and this song is nice.
Oh!!! Want to know something really weird?
I only ate once today, just a couple minutes ago.
I woke up and had coffee but I just didn't have an appetite. I probably would still have an empty stomach if Caroline didn't bring me dumplings.
I'm into it, though. I don't actually like eating. I like the taste, but other than that, ehhhh. So much work.
Sorry, I'm boring. Goodnight.