LustingforNightmares

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2015-06-14 18:18:46 (UTC)

I Fell Into A Black Hole


"The Clockwise Witness" by Devotchka

6:23 PM

There was a link on facebook to an article about blackholes. I read that, it was amazing and my head hurts because there aRE SO MANY QUESTIONS. Then, I clicked on this

http://www.bbc.com/earth/story/20150309-why-does-time-only-run-forwards


"You might mix up east and west, but you would not mix up yesterday and tomorrow"

Without atoms, fire doesn't make sense?? learn more about this

Ludwig Boltzmann and entropy

TIME GOES FORWARD, ENTROPY, EVERYTHING IS FALLING APART AND THIS MAKES SENSE

Imagine if we remembered things, experienced them, and then forgot about them??? Wow???

The past hypothesis

the universe is not eternal

----

GOD I HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY

WELLBUTRIN KIND OF SUCKS BECAUSE IT FILLS ME UP TOO MUCH. LIKE MY HEAD IS SO BUZZY AND THERE IS ALL THIS PRESSURE ON MY NOSE

GOD

DAMMIT

but still, I'm happier and I feel good and I want to be social again

I think I was more depressed than I thought. I mean, I knew it was kind of bad because sometimes, I'd get those suicidal thoughts and sometimes, I really really wanted to hurt myself and I kept getting angry.

But somewhere in my head, I still kind of thought I was being over dramatic.

I am in between minds.

I can feel the switch.

There is the faded world of before and the too-bright view that my eyes are seeing now.

Tapping feet, darting hands, a look in my eyes like I'm a bit crazy. Ready for something that isn't coming.

"Sometimes I can't believe it, I'm moving past the feeling"

Reminds me, reminds me of your hair. That makes me sad, brings me down, I can feel it in the sky below my eyes, the place I would start peeling if I were crazy enough.

The energy in me is good. I can see the world the way I used to. Is this even me, though? Who exactly am i?

God, all these fucking questions.

I am almost a child again.

We're still screaming.

I want to tell you all my thoughts.

I want to show you the cemetery.

I want to tell you about how I lost a picture of Elise today. It has been on the whiteboard since I found out. I don't know how long it has been gone. I look at it from time to time, pictures of her are around the house. On the fridge, on the whiteboard, in my room, and tucked in the front door's window.

caroline wants to talk to me. good. I'm energetic I can talk for hours.

Everything is beautiful.

I didn't notice it was gone. Elise was gone.

Elise Elise Elise Elise Elise

I think about her all the time

I think about you all the time

I think about me, too.

And I think about all of you out there. I really do. I think about you and I love you, I do.

Shit, gotta go.


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