LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2015-06-12 19:35:22 (UTC)

Flickering Light

"Sex On Fire" by Kings of Leon

7:35 PM


I see it, I see it, I see it. Dark for one second, then the light's back on and I'm confused and scared and I don't remember blinking.

I asked someone about this last week.

About the amplified noises.

Sometimes, things get so loud, like someone is walking down my ear canal, headed for the drum, singing drunkenly and scraping their fingers along the walls.

Usually, it happens when I'm in the kitchen and I joke about it and I don't tell them how nervous it actually makes me.

All their voices, overlapping. We're all yelling, trying to find our place in the conversation, interrupting one another, saying things no one cares about. The light above us flickering, flickering. I can hear feet drifting over the floor, the scraping of chair legs, the clink of forks against plates, and all this background noise, too, like the oven fan whirring in the background.

It's so overwhelming, especially with my thoughts running right along with it.

It makes my head feel electric. Makes my hands shake violently. Makes me want to rip something apart, or fold it into the shape of a bird (it's the only thing I know how to do).

Gosh, I have a headache.

I love my family and I love people but they're so loud, sometimes. Everything is so loud.

I took a long shower today, which eventually turned into a bath and I let myself go underwater so I didn't have to hear anymore.

Pretended I was still in the womb.

Pretended it was all ahead of me.

Pretended there was still nothing.

And, you know, this all sounds pretty pathetic. I'm okay. I'm okay. As long as I can write in order to get these self-loathing thoughts out, I'm okay. If I keep it in, it becomes my personality and I'd hate that.

It's so loud. Goes too fast.

There is a burning in my stomach.

There is thunder outside. It's been storming for more than a week, I think. It's like a rainforest up here. I like it.

Never was a huge fan of the sun. I love the rain. The white noise drowns out everything else.

I can hear everything they're saying, I jump from conversation to conversation, sound to sound, thought to thought and it just never stops...

Okay. I'm okay. I'll be okay.


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