LustingforNightmares

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Ezoic
2015-06-12 17:43:25 (UTC)

I'm... Back?

"The Suburbs" by Arcade Fire [I didn't like this song at first but Caroline started playing it yesterday and it kind of just??? burrowed itself into my brain and I'm into it, I'm into it]

You always seemed so sure
That one day we'd fight in
In a suburban world
your part of town gets minor
So you're standin' on the opposite shore
But by the time the first bombs fell
We were already bored
We were already, already bored

Sometimes I can't believe it
I'm movin' past the feeling
Sometimes I can't believe it
I'm movin' past the feeling again

Kids wanna be so hard
But in my dreams we're still screamin' and runnin' through the yard
And all of the walls that they built in the seventies finally fall
And all of the houses they build in the seventies finally fall
Meant nothin' at all
Meant nothin' at all
It meant nothin

Sometimes I can't believe it
I'm movin' past the feeling
Sometimes I can't believe it
I'm movin' past the feeling and into the night

So can you understand?
Why I want a daughter while I'm still young
I wanna hold her hand
And show her some beauty
Before this damage is done


June 12, 2015 Friday 5:43 PM


I feel like I shouldn't be writing here yet but I haven't written anywhere in four days and it feels wrong.

I missed this place.

Last day of classes was yesterday. Finals week begins!

I have two exams Monday. English in the morning, Spanish in the afternoon. Tuesday, Living Environment regents (are regents exams are only in New York?). Wednesday is my most important exam, Global History.
Important because it has been my favorite class this year and my teacher told me that she hoped I'd be one of her students to get a perfect score.
I fucking hope so, oh god.
I can do it, that I know. I write essays that round up to 5's and I'm good at multiple choice.
No exam on Thursday, but I'm going to the middle school for a Trigonometry/Algebra 2 review because I have that exam the next day. Nervous for that... math isn't my strong suit.
God, writing about this bores me.

Here's why I was gone. I've been feeling really depressed. I know I normally get sad every couple weeks and it kind of fucks me up a bit for a week at the most, but this was... longer. And worse.

I won't go into details because I don't want to make anyone sad and I also don't want anyone's advice. I'm fine, thank you very much, please stop telling me to drink lots of water and think happy thoughts.

The news is, I'm back on medication (Wellbutrin, 150 mg). I don't want to be, but I figured that I don't want to

-spend my days lying in bed, crying
-end up trying to kill myself
-constantly worry about the little things I've said and done
-waste my time

And I especially hate feeling so helpless.

(the video for Reflektor by Arcade Fire is kind of really weird. I think I like it)

Anyway, it really sucks that I had to ask for meds. I don't even know if I did the right thing. I feel like I'm just being lazy and weak. Like, "oooh, poor me, I'm sad for no reason and can't stand feeling so bitter all the time, wahh wahh,"

Which sounds dumb, but I mean?? I could probably get through it. Ugh. I don't know. I don't know.

I burned my finger yesterday. It doesn't hurt, but it's gross and swollen.

Oh! I started reading Post Office by Charles Bukowski last week (it's the book that follows Ham On Rye) and wow??? I love it??? I love the way he says things.

I should read his poetry because, god, his words, they were beautiful while being down-to-earth. I can't explain it. I oughtta get a better vocabulary.

A couple days ago, Adrian was talking to me during ninth period (last class) and he was saying some things. Things about himself, I mean. Stuff I don't usually hear from him, so it was strange.

Strange but nice. I wish he would talk like that more often. He said something about how he's awkward and never talks about what he wants to. Always ends up talking too long about something else.

He seemed a bit... insecure isn't the right word. But he doesn't really seem to see.. what other people see.

Which, I suppose, I can't comment on. He knows what he is supposed to be, we don't. He sees the mistakes. We don't.

I know that very well. Same problem in my head. Skewed vision.

It was such a short conversation. He is good. Very good.

I'm so tired... today hasn't been great. Caroline was making food earlier and I was absently thinking about dying. Absently wondering how I'd do it. Then deciding I wouldn't.

I don't want to die.

I just don't want things to be the way they are.

I'm bored.


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