A lady in the crowd
2015-06-11 06:19:05 (UTC)

A Revival of Depression.

December 2014,

Dear someone unknown,

It was the beginning of a lonely cold winter. I had a feeling that something was missing, but I couldn't quite put my fingertip on it. All I knew was that it reopened wounds of depression. Why has the defeated monster come back? I felt lost in a great despair of sudden emptiness. Nothing could repair such broken damage. As if all my traumas from my past struck me at once. My mental state deteriorated and I fell down into a rabbit hole that lead to a venomous version of Alice In Wonderland.

I think this month topped one of the busiest of 2014. I kept myself moving. I needed action, any distraction that didn't leave me alone. My playwright,"Shouting Voices Upon My Mind." was a success for drama club. All of the sacrifice and hard work paid off. We had a section on Imperial Valley Press. That brought a broad smile on my face. Various opportunities had appeared. Which opened doors for my future. Giving me a getaway excuse to arrive home at later hours. Preventing me from locking myself up in my room. From spending time with my most hated arch nemesis. Myself.

I was on a conquest for searching for a reason to not slice my throat. I saw many purposes: family,(At the time) him, running, and writing. Besides that nothing held a meaningful purpose.

Slowly my bad habits revived from the gravestone. The the darkest hour of midnight lingered on longer than usual. As my nightmares about watching my own death appeared to go on forever.

I cut my nails to prevent myself from biting them off. Anxiety attacked me during first semester final exams. I felt like the most pathetic being whose existence was a bitter waste of space. The desire for a drink rushed within my veins. Just one please, or 3, 5, or even more who's counting anyways? It's been nearly a year, far to long. My whiskey's misses my lips. The burning liquid down my throat, and the coolness that came afterwards. Come back to me baby! Now it's time to pass out. Shut my eyes and pray that I won't ever wake up again. Blankness took over and for the slightest moment I had forgotten my name.

~Yours Truly

Authors note Of reflection: It was easy to hide it all; no one suspected a thing. The easiest part being to keep my myself collected. People saw me as what they assumed was the happiest teenager who had it all. How could a young successful lady not be happy? The hardest part was not falling apart. I going through a great storm that originated from hell. But I'm relieved that the storm has not come to stay, it has come to pass.