John Doe

Chronicles of a Drifter
2015-06-06 21:12:00 (UTC)

Entry 159

Today was pretty disinteresting. Not much to do. There are flashes and sonic booms going on outside of my house right now. Fourth of July is hitting hard around here as usual. I am not sure if fireworks are illegal here or not but if they are, CPT gives no fucks does it? I bet my dogs are shitting themselves in the backyard right now, poor things. I played with them today and shit got real for them I guess. This morning my dad went outside and found the black chicken dead and I heard he started hitting Ronnie...I disagree with that to the max. It is your fault for having chickens in the first damn place. Ronnie was just going with his instinct. Next time, lock the door will you? That wasn't it though, they killed the rooster too when I got home from running errands with my mother. Dad wasn't home luckily. My mom decided to skin, gut and freeze the thing for later...YUCK! No chance in hell that thing is going in my mouth. Who knows how long it was dead or what fucking germs the dogs transferred into it. It was still warm when I picked it up so that indicates it was sort of fresh but still, something makes me uneasy about it.
You know, my german shepard Mustafai chews everything up. Quilts, pillows, his water bowls...but when you actually get him a squeaky toy he won't go near it. Dogs are funny like that aren't they. They don't differentiate between objects like people do. I wonder how much we would benefit from that. Or if we would be just as lost. No, I take that back. That is what separates us from them. Brains. Brains and thumbs. That's why they're on the leash and at the mercy of mortal hands. Too bad, mortals aren't always kind.
Becky called me today. I ignored it. I was firm on my stance. I wasn't going to speak to her. She only used me whenever she was in crisis and stressed me out. But when I wanted to talk to her as a friend or have some company, she would be awol. So fuck it, I didn't need friends like that. That is why I cut Kennedy off too. She texted me this week as well and I didn't text her until days later. Needless to say, I think she got the hint. Go away, you interested whore. I am not a free psychologist or the guy who's going to tell everyone what they want to hear for free anymore if they're not my close friends. If we havent spoken in fucking months and you come to me with some sort of issue and want my input on it, I will shoo you away like I'm swatting a fly. I will no longer be utilized and thrown away for a later use like a craftsman tool. But I ended up texting Becky and she gave me this excuse. "We always forget about each other because we are busy but I always come to you because you are the only person I trust with my issues. You're the only one I can talk to." I don't know if it is bullshit or not. I don't know but I am still deciding what to do...I lied to her. I told her I got a new job I was due in, in a few minutes. I said I worked at El Pollo Loco. She believed and I feel bad. But not as bad as I used too.
Enrique wanted to hangout this Sunday too...I recalled that I had a dinner with Evette that Sunday for her sisters graduation. So I told him I would help him over skype that night. He hasn't told me what sort of essay this will be. I wonder if he really believes that I am smart. He always got better grades than me, I was just more emotionally intelligent and socially savvy. But he's the smart math and science fellow. I guess it is because I sort of intrigued him last weekend when I spoke to him about psychology and why I liked it. I gave him an in depth view on the diversity and the adaptability of the science and he sort of believed it was kind of fun. We talked about subconscious and the origin of emotions. He went from hating his last semester course to liking it at that instant. I wonder if that means I have a knack for it as a teacher. I've thought about it, being a psychology professor. At least for PSY 101. I would have an impact on my students...but I am sure that is what all professors and teachers say and they end up disappointed because of how smug some kids can be. I wonder if those golden few that become enamored with them are worth it.
I ended up canceling on Enrique and Evette as well...I am not sure if we are having a dinner for my brother on Sunday but I ended up canceling on her because I just didn't feel like going out with them anyway. I never feel like going out anymore. I just want to stay home, in my room, alone. I hate how I look right now, I hate how I feel, I hate everything about me. I am really in a depressed state. I think this is the worst it has ever been. Where I just don't want to see the light of day and I have the hardest time getting out of bed. My muscles feel like they were squeezed and tightened on each other. No matter how much I stretch, it still isn't enough. I feel like I need a fucking yoga session right after waking up just to be able to start my day regularly.
Everyone else that I know seems to be doing much better than I am. I hate this spiral of loss and failure that I ended up in. The only thing I have going for me is my academics. I pretty much got straight A's with the exception of a B in Bio lab. But I am sure it doesn't take a genius to do this, many people get straight A's in college. It is probably easier to do so then in high school. But that is it. I can't keep a job. I suck at all of them and hate myself when I go home. My managers have said some pretty ugly thing that have left me scarred. I couldn't handle those comments for some reason. I am supposed to be emotionally stronger than that. More hardy, more sturdy. Not let stupid insults or even passive aggressive comments take over me. It is such a powerless situation to be in. If it were a peer I would stand up for myself and throw a witty counter attack right back. But since it is a person of authority, I am forced to give them respect. I have to stand still and be steady while they go in on me. It is so demeaning..I feel so desecrated and lowly. Like vermin. I am not used to it. I do not like that feeling of being worthless...especially since I've felt it inside as a child and am so self conscious about it. I am self conscious about feeling not as good as others or like I don't measure up. I remember feeling so broken when Sandy would choose Jason over me. You know...Number two is a phrase that hurts me so much. Being so close but not good enough. I hated coming in second place to him and I still do. He's a surfer now, that can operate a big Ford F-150 and has a cute girlfriend. I am terrified to get into my car after the accident. I have no confidence in myself and don't trust my vision or perception. I look at my right side mirror while I am driving and see a car behind me on the other lane when I am trying to merge. I won't do it. Even if there is enough room. I don't trust myself. I feel like I am not competent enough to tell with surety that I have enough room to go into that lane. I am sure that I will get into an accident when I get into those roads so I avoid it...Not like Alex. Oh no my friend...he even has a car with an illegal motor that has a shit ton of horse power. Highway races, car dodging, and lane drifting are a specialty...While my hands quiver on the steering wheel and my shoulder tense while pulling out of my stupid driveway. It's unfair. As a teenager I would hate that phrase. "Yeah! Life isn't fair! But you should be working to make it so!" ...Where did that resilience go? Where did that rebellious attitude where I would revolt against the norms of life and was ready to face hell go? Now I am just taking it...allowing life's uneven trades to stomp me out. I miss that boy. He died when he decided that family, fun, and conventional life were the best thing for him. When he romanticized the American dream. Maybe Dr. Mcgarvey was right...I should chase my dreams. If I didn't have this internal pressure to take care of my family, I would be living a bohemian lifestyle on the street corner, singing into a microphone taking change from passerby's. But no...instead I have all these plans of wearing a camo outfit and getting a nice steady paycheck...
I need to change something. I do. Something needs to be repaired and fucking fast. I am wasting time. I am 20 now and am allowing life to take me over and ravage me.
I miss the 90's...The water wigglies...the magic of the 25 cent toy capsule machine...glow in the dark stars in my room. I themed my room as 90s as possible. Superman...blacklight posters...lava lamp. Just trying to feel like I went back in time while I am in here. Looking down from this bridge that I can't go back on.
I should end this here. Cheers.




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