The Lost Child

My Little World
2015-06-06 12:22:15 (UTC)

Good Morning.....

Its a really Beautiful Morning. My sexy husband is still sleeping. Worked his Night Shift so its expected.
Today we have our nieces Birthday Party. I'm a little excited. But then again I don't want everybody coming up to me asking me if I'm okay. I posted something about my Dad a while ago on Facebook. Probably not the best idea. Well It was before I found out about this site. Now I can say just how I feel with out offending anyone.
But it wasn't anything Bad bad. Just how much I'm going to miss talking with him. And that it sucks that he is missing out on so much. At least with me His daughter he is.
It's still hard to believe at times that I cant talk to him. Its like a Death in the family now. Only it hurts more because I know he is out there. Living life to the fullest not giving to shits about any of his Family. Okay that's cool.
I guess getting help for me is the way to go. because I don't know what else to do. Oh well I hope it gets better. I Hope Therapy helps me out. Honestly I hope they give me something to Calm me down. Really, I don't take pills Unless I have a head ache. So It would be nice to calm down once in a while. I have attacks a lot at night. Panic? Yes. Anxiety? Hell yeah. I cant turn off my brain. Its on a constant go go go. Depression? Hell yeah it is. I cant stop thinking I'm a bad person because of this. I'm a bad daughter. I don't talk to my dad how can I be a good daughter? But I'm trying. That's all that counts, Right? Ha well that's what is making me so crazy! UGH

And Family drives me nuts. Its like there all fake in front of you. But once everyone goes home to their life's its completely different. Family is supposed to be the ones you run to right? Nope not here. See I thought that until I noticed it. No one wants to be around. They just want to show off all the things they have. Like show and tell. They all say lets hangout out side if the family. Lets see a movie tomorrow or something. And then they forget about me. All the time. I'll call you back is one of my favorites. IT NEVER HAPPENS.

Check this out I asked my cousin to be in my wedding. She is a lesbian. And is more guy like. You know she dresses like a guy and is the man in her relationships. But I asked her to be in it as herself. she can be on the groom side or whatever. I wasn't going to put her in a dress and force her to be like that. So she said she was down. I asked her every week. If she was sure, because you cant trust her. I don't even know why I asked. But once it came down to it she never showed up. I got smart about it. I had a back up plan. This wasn't going to mess up Our special day.(she was going through a Break up.)But she is young so Break ups are the end of the world with her. So she misses out on everything. I was hurt bad again. With all this bullshit about my dad Now my cousin wants to be an ass about things too. She didn't call me. BUT told me on Facebook in a comment that she was sorry. She said calling me would have ruined my day? WTF Not calling me and not showing up ruined my day. Or would have. But I got married in the Summer.
Now we are at my grandmas for Christmas eve. The whole family is there. Even my Aunt who is out of town. So my cousin shows up with her new girlfriend. Like nothing is wrong. (I did stop talking with her) She starts to "drink" And starts to act drunk. Comes up to me and asks me " Oh is there something wrong? I feel like we aren't as close anymore. I don't know why?" I'm sitting there trying not to blow up and have fun. So I told her no don't worry about it. There is another family get together. I see her come in. I told my husband I'm going to talk to her tonight. She showed up alone. I take her outside we have a yelling match. she tells me a lot of bullshit lies and it just pisses me off to no end. I yelled at the top of my lungs. She is young she wont get it. And she doesn't. Long story short we do end up working it out but DEEP DEEP down I'm still not over it. How could you screw over family like that? And Just because we are family doesn't mean you can walk all over me. She still makes plans and never goes threw with them. Its okay tho I learned to not let her get to me. To me now she is just someone I know. A holiday cousin if you will.....

But like I said I'm getting help for this so I can be myself again.
I'm really a happy person. I love laughing. Having a good time. And I do. But something's just get to me you know. ahh Oh well
I better hop off here and get my day started.

till Later on.....




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