John Doe

Chronicles of a Drifter
2015-06-04 18:41:32 (UTC)

Entry 157

Job hunt is at a stalemate at the moment. I am wondering if I am applying to all of these jobs in vain. Are they all expired or are my qualifications and experience just too fishy for anyone to consider me? I have plenty of experience...it's just a bit...short burst? Eh, doesn't matter. I'll keep applying, even though those stupid questionnaires and assessments drive me crazy after a bit.
I applied to Costco...guess who works there. Yup, the kid I used to cut my flesh over. If I get accepted there, I'd be extremely uncomfortable. Part of me wants to...because theres these fantasies that go through my mind where we make up and I get to make amends for how horrid, bitter, and disgusting I was. I likened myself to Iago from Othello. I was. Putrid, rotten, and all around swamp-like. At least my mind was. There was no good there. Never again, no matter how hard the heartbreak is. I'll have to swim in the blood of my broken arteries, across my swollen veins, and tip-toeing over my capillaries. I can't let myself become acid-tongued or rancorous. I've got to pull it together and be the nice boy who I have always been and was meant to be.
You know what job I'd truly enjoy having...a dishwasher. No customer interaction, no manager hassling me, no complex cashbox lingo. Just me and a big pile of filth that needs to be cleansed before I ship it out to meet the real world. I like because I get complete control over it. I don't get to be assessed. I don't get flustered or have to perform complex rocket science to please a person who is different than the person I had to please yesterday. It's so simple too. I hope I get one of those. I also am hoping to get some jobs at lakewood. Weird huh? I still don't have my license...I haven't practiced much. I still suck. I might not ever get it. But if I get into another accident I am fucked. I am relying on everyone else to be a better driver than me. I am an overly cautious driver now though. Never go too fast, never follow too close, never move unless i've waited a few seconds. I am still afraid. That stupid accident was extremely traumatic. The money...the threat of suits. They can still come after me and destroy everything I own. These are the thoughts that make me ready to go out and pick up a gun. Ready to get blown up and be at peace. At least I get away from that mistake!
Guilt is my biggest downfall. I am allowed to feel guilty for anything. Ever since I was a child. I remember I would love to go to my aunts house and hangout with my little cousin. Something about their home made me feel so cozy and like I belonged. Perhaps it was subconscious. It was the house where I was born and my heart must have yearned for it. My eyes must have reacted to that stimuli and felt like they did when I first arrived on this cruel planet. Anyway...I stopped going. My mother told me to come lay home with her one night and held me for a bit in the dark. She told me not to go to that house anymore because it made her upset. She worried for me when I was gone. In that soft and gentle tone of hers whenever she was calm and being peaceful. The guilt jolted in the core of my being. I abandoned something that gave me joy so that someone else could have serenity. Thats the earliest instance of letting guilt overcome and influence me. It has traced me until today I suppose. I punished myself so much when it happened. No more gym, the need to buy a board, taking out loans just in case the suit was soon, giving up housing that I had planned, and ultimately, enlisting. The enlisting has been delayed but I am still set on it. Although I am terrified. I had a dream I was going to basic training and the sense of dread that I felt was pretty real for a dream. I looked back as my family left those glass doors and turned their backs to me. The hug I gave them wasn't long enough and those columns of trainees waiting was the coldest collective group I'd ever been a part of. None the less...It is necessary. I need to learn my lesson, I need to make them proud, I need experience for a later day...So many benefits would arise from it. Even a way to pay back just in case we get that letter demanding we go into civil court for litigation.
I hate talking about this. I hate it so much. Let's leave it there for now. It happened last year and I couldn't talk about it then. Come next year and I can barely talk a little more about it. It is healing though, I'll acknowledge that.
Today wasn't very interesting. I woke up late. I didn't do anything. I just got back from the bank with my mother. She needed to replace a credit card that was expired. I want to replace mine early. The banker told me I could go online and do it beforehand and that has its perks, like giving it a custom design that no one else would have. I am interested. He didn't say if it costed any money though. If it does...I'm sort of tight on that now so I'll have to pass.
I wish the stupid jobs would contact me back. I am sort of nervous for interviews. I haven't spoken in a while. I feel like I have lost the charisma I have had, especially now that I am depressed and just don't care. I don't want to go out. I don't really want to see the light of day. I don't even want a job but I need it because I cannot be in this house doing nothing, like a loser. Although you can tell I am. I just lay in bed all day and am up with insomnia at night like an owl, wide eyed and pensive. Just thinking and thinking. Perhaps this diary will help me get it all out. Everything in my head is just sitting there, floating like debris that was transported into the ocean. If I can drain it all out, the clean slate might allow me to do more than I'd like. I'll write tomorrow I guess. Goodbye.




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