The Real Me
Relationships are not easy.
I get paranoid and think he doesnt want me or like me. And he has emotional intimacy issues so we are practically the worst combination in that sense. And yet somehow we work...because through it all...i cant seem to just let him be or let him go...and i dont think he can either.
What would it be like without each other? He doesnt know why i am with him. He doesnt understand why i like him. And he's worried that i will up and leave him when he starts bolding and putting on weight.
If he opens up...i know i wont..i know i will stick it out with him...i know i will marry him if he lets himself fall and trust me...if he doesnt then its another story. I want to be with him...unfortunately under any cost. And thats what worries me..everything i have to give up to just be with him. Like my emotional security and my wants and needs.
The more i have gotten to know him i have fallen for him. The age doesnt bother me at all anymore...not a lot does. I guess what bothers me is how closed he is, how intimate he is not. if we can work through that...make it regular we can work.
he thinks I'm courageous because i chose to fall and open up to be fully open to get hurt by him, i need him to be courageous and take that risk.
But i see in him what he doesnt see in himself. And that is what holds me back, holds me to him, holds me to not leave him...the good that i see in him, the weakness i see and is it crazy that it is this that I love about him, it is this that i want him for.
He is so afraid to love that he cant even say "love" it scares the living daylights out of him. I know i love freely. He cant utter those words from his mouth...the closest he came was "I am falling in love with you" and then he shut down pretty damn quickly.
Maybe im just a nutcase who over thinks things.