I'm Running Out Of Titles
May 30, 2015 Saturday 3:24 PM
I am preparing for my dog's untimely death! Taking photos of her and touching her still-warm body! She is alright. My parents keep saying she looks a bit better, they're saying maybe she'll bounce back. I tell them not to get my hopes up.
I then feel guilty for that. I wonder if part of me wants her to die. I remember Hemlock Grove, a show I watch. I remember the girl who became evil because, as a writer, she needed to experience things and so became a werewolf. I understood and that kind of scared me. Maybe I wish for death in order to understand it.
I don't want April to die, of course. She's my buddy. We hang out in the cemetery and play hide and seek among the tombstones. And right now she's licking her ass. Gross.
My parents will be home soon to yell at us for not cleaning. Oops. We should do that.
On Thursday, I had Peer Leadership, which was fun. I like Adrian's girlfriend. She's so nice and funny. We kept making eye contact during the weird parts of Peer and it was great. I cried during my session, which I've been doing a lot of lately. It didn't make me feel any better. I think I needed to cry for longer than five minutes.
I really like the girl who I had a session with, though! Since I was talking about death, I worried she would be weird about it, but was actually pretty normal. She's very touchy-feely. She leaned on my shoulder and held my hand and things (she's not gay). I was a bit uncomfortable with that, but made myself push past it because I like people to feel comfortable with me.
I'm going to name her Maura.
Brock talked about how he is constantly embarrassed. I related. Jesus, I'm embarrassed from the minute I wake up. The perks of anxiety.
Yesterday, I hung out with Sam and a guy from our school, plus his mom and sister. We smoked weed. It was alright. I didn't have much to say to anyone and after two hits, I was feeling it. The last time I smoked was in November, so I don't have a very high tolerance.
The guy's mom was really nice. She said, "Who's this pretty girl?" and I introduced myself. Why do people think I'm pretty? It's really nice but I think I have an unconventional appearance so I don't understand.
I kinda wish I didn't smoke, though. It made things funnier, but it wasn't worth it. I couldn't think straight and I felt nauseas for hours, even after the high wore off. Maybe it would be more fun to be high if I was with people I am actually comfortable with. Lily asked me to buy her weed but there is never a right time to ask Sam, y'know? Luckily, my brain isn't compromised. I was kind of depressed after I came down from the high, but I just entertained myself by reading bad Harry Potter fanfictions (most of them Draco/Hermione).
I don't know why I always read Harry Potter fanfictions. They're so fun, though. I hate how they fuck up Hermione, though. They really do. They make her weaker and also do a lot of Ron bashing, it's annoying.
At some point, Adrian sent me a message about alternative prom (he was taking his girlfriend and thought it would be something I'd be interested in. I was interested, but I would awkward going alone. I'm not good at meeting people by myself) and I think I answered vaguely. I wanted to actually talk to him but was still feeling a bit high and I didn't want to be stupid, so I kept my answers really short.
I think I'll send him a message today because I want to stay friends with him over the summer and the internet is good at maintaining things like that casually.
I woke up at around noon and made myself coffee. Ate some blue corn tortilla chips (the brand is called "The Garden of Eatin'" how amazing is that) with two different kinds of tofu dip. We're not health freaks but since both Caroline and I were vegetarians at some point, we don't eat a lot of meat and tofu is alright. I actually hate tofu, but the dips are really good.
Caroline was real bitch this morning. Also, yesterday morning. She didn't want to give me a ride to school so she asked my dad. I told her he wouldn't give me a ride. My dad wants to save the world, wants to stop climate change. He wants me to walk to school.
I care about Earth, but I'm also a lazy fuck and if I walked, I would end up sweaty by the time I got to school. I should take the bus. I keep waking up too late, though! Ugh, I need to care about Earth more. Sorry, environment. I'm just adding to the problem.
Anyway, of course, he refused to bring me to school, even if I were to end up late (seriously). That's normal and it doesn't make me angry anymore, that's just the way he is and I understand he's just trying to teach me to be conscious of things. My sister understands, too, but was not feeling it.
She said, "You're an asshole. You're a FUCKING asshole," and slammed the door. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW WEIRD THIS IS. MY SISTER IS NOT AN ANGRY PERSON. IN FACT, SHE IS KNOWN AS THE LEVEL-HEADED TYPE. SHE MEDIATES ARGUMENTS. THIS IS VERY OUT OF THE ORDINARY. SHE DOESN'T SWEAR AT PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY NOT OUR PARENTS.
My dad walked downstairs and said to my mom, "I'm a fucking asshole," (in a surprised way, not in a "i have just realized this" way). He is kind of an ass, but not all the time.
It reminded me of that scene from Donnie Darko!!! Where Donnie calls his mom a bitch!!! And she walks into her bedroom and says to her husband, "You're son thinks I'm a bitch."
And he goes, "You're not a bitch. You're bitchin', but you're not a bitch."
FUCK THAT IS A GREAT MOVIE.
Damn, that was a long, uninteresting story. Sorry.
CAroline yelled at me when I woke up, though. She had the laptop and I asked if I could use it to write and she went on this long rant about it and was super angry and I was like, "You could've just said no..." and I went downstairs, mildly upset.
To be honest, though, I am in a really good mood today. She came down later to apologize, so that was nice. And then we talked for like an hour and a half about Welcome To Night Vale (she thought that their references to current social issues are getting annoyingly obvious), tumblr culture (people like to take sides on issues without doing proper research and I am confused), politics (social justice warriors, their hypocrisy), and more politics (how there is this blind hatred between democrats and republicans even though it is all a spectrum and how people who are in one political party are usually disregarded as stupid by the opposing side despite having ideas that they should appreciate).
So far, a good day. I want to type about that talk me and Caroline had, but not right now. I mean, I don't actually have a solid opinion on anything, but I do have some vague ideas.
Things I'd Like To Discuss Later:
-Feminism, Anti-Feminism, etc.
-The way social issues are approached
-Oppressed (i fucking hate that word)
Kay, I'm done. My mom is trying to find me a new psychiatrist. I'm trying to figure out my life. I need an appointment with Pat. I haven't seen her since before I found out about Elise. She is very behind on events in my life and I really could have used her help. I still need her help.