The Rat

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2015-05-25 19:54:54 (UTC)

drinking

I was hanging out with my friends last night drinking. I'm always hanging out. I'm always drinking. I could give them all fake names but you'll never meet them anyway so it doesn't matter. Half of us went to college half of us didn't but we all are in the same positions. We work. We drink. We go to shows, we drink. We drink.

I wish I could remember more of my life over the last few years. I wish.

I can't stop thinking about all those could have's. I could have been an athlete. I could have been an artist. I could have been raised by my dad. I could have died in a car accident.

I guess I still could.

How can I be so afraid of dying but so afraid of being alive at the same time?

I feel silent.

I got out of work and we went to Jill's house because her parents were away. Kelly and Ashley came over first and I made rice but I didn't eat it. I let it sit in the pan.

Then Katie, Mike S., Mike C., and Courtney came over. They were already drunk. To catch up I poured a whole cup of rum. But I didn't drink it. I let it sit in the cup.

Courtney drank it.

So I poured myself some vodka and I drank that. Mixed with ginger ale it tasted like shit.

Courtney kept saying I "get it". Then she tried to milk her own boob but it didn't work because she had her baby a long time ago. No more milk. Then she kissed Ashley. I was grossed out because Ashley's teeth are rotting.

I'm not going to kiss you Courtney, stop coming near me.

Jill's upset. She's always upset. She's upset because I slept with Katie and she loves her. I'm sorry. Mike S. found out and made a big deal. Now Jill's upset. Sorry Jill.

Ashley pulled me outside and said if anyone was going to be doing coke she was leaving. No one was. She loves the attention. Don't worry Ashley, I'm looking at you.

Kelly and me aren't interacting like normal, she keeps making jokes about not being my friend anymore but sometimes it doesn't seem like a joke. I don't really feel anything. I don't remember most of the past week anyways.

Jill. She wants us all to leave her house but Katie wants us all to come over. Jill's insisting I take her car and go hang out with everyone. But I know she's mad at me because Katie was talking to me more than her. Sorry Jill. Katie tries to hug her but Jill says no and walks away.

I drove Mike S. home because he was too wasted. Mike C. had makeup on and was passing out in the passenger seat. Me and Kelly were singing. 2am.

We get to Katie's and she gives me an Adderall to keep me awake. She finds a handle of booze even though she told me she had none. I think she was lying and knew it was there the whole time. We drink it and Katie and Kelly bond over N64. I am terrible at Golden Eye. We play Mario Kart. But I don't really remember. Made my drink too strong. Adderall kicks in and I'm sober again. So I make another drink. Stronger this time.

Courtney goes down first, Passed out on Mike C. Then he passes out and they both get up and go lay in Katie's bed to sleep.

5am. Kelly wants to go home so me and Katie drive her home as the sun comes up. Katie asks if we can go to the beach. We talk about her mom being dead and how she's afraid for her dad. He's an alcoholic. We bond over dead parents like we always do drunk and on Adderall.

We walked out onto the beach and sat on the jetty and I say Jill's going to be mad at me. I ask her if she has feelings for Jill still and she says no but I know she's lying. I don't really care much though. I just want to jump in the ocean. But I don't.

Katie wants to go for a ride so we drive around and I'm chain smoking and drinking vodka from a red solo cup. I shouldn't be driving. 7am.

Katie wants to go to her mom's grave so we go. We are drunk and haven't slept so I laid on her moms grave while she watered the flowers. I start to fall asleep but she wakes me up and says we should go. 8am.

I bring Katie home and go back to Jill's. I tried to sleep on the couch so I don't wake her up going upstairs. I close my eyes. My phone rings and it's Jill. She wants to know where I am. I tell her I'm on the couch and she makes me sleep in her bed even though I wanted to be alone.

Two hours later I wake up. Jill's vacuuming. She interrogates me about everything we did after we left. No I didn't sleep with Katie. No we didn't kiss. Katie's in a bad space right now. You were mean to her last night. Don't text her. But she does anyway.

We go get Chinese food and I order a drink before work because I don't care. I don't feel in my body. The music sounds far away and I keep thinking about death. I tried to talk to Jill but it was too stressful for her and she told me she didn't want to think about it. Then she lectures me about how this is life and I can't do anything about it so why even think about it.

I'm always upset.

I go to work and think about hanging myself in the warehouse. What would the next shift do when they get here? They'd call me to let them in but I wouldn't. Then they'd call the other building to get someone to drive over to let him in. Then they find me. My boss would be mad.

I sit at my desk and laugh at a video online of a guy skateboarding with a case of beer but he crashes and breaks all the beer. Thinking about killing myself.

I watch a video of a guy doing a back flip into a pool while holding his beer. He doesn't spill it. Looks like a nice house. I'm thinking about killing myself.

I start to nod off in my chair. My phones buzzing. Kelly's suicidal. Katie's depressed and doesn't want to be alone. Some girl I met the other night is asking me about my Memorial Day plans. I'm nodding off. My sister's boyfriend found my sister passed out drunk on her roof in a pile of vomit and dirt. Mike S. says he's taking a break from drinking.


I'm always taking a break from drinking. Then I drink.


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