Cute N' Morbid
"Blue Ridge Mountains" by Fleet Foxes [I love this song, it's haunting]
You're ever welcome with me any time you like,
Let's drive to the country side, leave behind some green-eyed look-a-likes,
So no one gets worried, no.
Terrible am I child?
Even if you don't mind,
May 25, 2015 Monday (Memorial Day) 11:58 AM
Please be aware!!! I'm very cute today!!! I had some horrifying dreams about the ghost of a little girl!!! Also, I am braless, which feels nice. I stayed up till 2 AM last night, hoping to have some late night conversations with people. I was also reading scary stories, hence the cool fucking nightmare.
I reveal a lot about myself in the dark, haha. So I don't know. If you ever want to know something about me, ask me past midnight. I love talking when it feels like no one else is awake. The world feels so private.
The only conversation I ended up having was with my cousin, Dax. Gosh, I worry about him. I talked to his dad the other day. He didn't mention Dax, though, he mostly just asked about school and told me about the weather in Colorado (unusually rainy).
But anyway! I talked to Dax and he scares the fuck out of me sometimes. I love him so much. I feel like, whenever I talk to him, he is either high or has just been high.
Like, before last night, the last time we spoke was after New Year's Day. He had gotten blackout drunk and high and was worried he'd slept with a girl who wasn't his girlfriend (he's my age, by the way).
Last night, he was high. He said he didn't how high he was and told me he was going to quit drugs. I'm glad. I miss him. I think I'll see him over the summer, though.
It's funny because yesterday, I was telling Elise about him and then later, we talked. Okay, so maybe it's not so coincidental, whatever.
I might write a lot today. I feel pretty thoughtful.
You know what's strange? I feel like I'm supposed to have a brother. I look for my brother everywhere. Every day of my life. I have dreams about him. He's always different. Sometimes he's older. Sometimes, he's younger. Sometimes my age.
In my last dream, he wore a typical 90's outfit. Shapeless, red cotton t-shirt and thick, levi jeans. He was about twelve years old. His hair was dark brown, in a bowl cut that was not as dorky as it sounds. I can't remember his facial features very clearly.
He said, "Let's play a game,"
And so I chased him down an old, wooden spiral staircase. It was like we were in a tower, kind of.
He was just far enough ahead of me so that I could only see flashes of his clothes as he disappeared around the corner. I started to get this overwhelming fear in me. I knew it was a dream. I knew. But I was afraid, and so I decided to tweak it. He stopped running. I collapsed onto a stair and covered my face with my arms as he pretended to kick me. I don't know why that scared me, but as soon as I wished for it to stop, it did.
He disappeared around the corner and I spent the rest of the dream looking for my brother.
Even weirder is that, even before we spoke to each other about this, I think Caroline feels like we should have a brother, too. She has dreams about him. He killed himself. Blew up his eyes. He had a name. I can't remember.
I think that I feel this way because my mom had a miscarriage before I was born. Honestly, though, if my parents had had that baby boy, I would not have existed. I asked my mom. She said no. They wanted two kids. My dad added, "But that kid was defective,"
(My parent's blood types aren't compatible and so they had a miscarriage with the boy. I think the doctors assisted them with me so they wouldn't have the same problem. I think this is what happened.)
Anyway!!! Finding this out a few years ago kind of haunted me. I started thinking about how things would be different if there was a boy instead of me. I thought about what it would be like if I had a younger sibling. I never wanted a younger sister, though, always a boy.
I think I would've had a good relationship with my brother. I don't know how it happened, but I have a very healthy relationship with my sister (mostly thanks to her, actually) and I think it would be nice to have that with another sibling.
I try finding a brother everywhere, which is kind of fucked up, now that I think about it.
In my head, I've adopted Ethan. He's been to my house the past couple days for the first time in fucking forever, but we haven't talked. He's mostly just called me a freak or said ew whenever he sees me, haha. I respond very well to that, though. I like to think that's how he shows affection.
I knew he was here. I could smell the cigarette smoke. I wish he would stop that. He's going to smoke himself to death. Self destructive boys. They try to be so subtle.
(For reference! Ethan is twenty years old. That's so weird. I feel like he's been 19 for like two years. Ethan goes to Caroline's school. Caroline is twenty one.)
I also kind of feel like Daxton is my brother sometimes. There was a time where he might've lived with us (it would work out, since we have an extra room that we keep junk in).
By the way! That boy I mentioned yesterday answered his messages. I don't know if I'll need a name for him. Maybe I'll just call him Justinian? (I've been studying a lot of Global History and I can't get Justinian's Code out of my head, okay??)
He's fucking nineteen years old. How weird is that. He looks my age. I wasn't expecting that. Eh, whatever. I'm not expecting to date him or anything, he's just a friend.
It's kind of weird how one year makes a huge difference, though, right? I mean, Lily is 16 and her boyfriend is 18. That doesn't sound so strange. They still go to the same school, for now. But 16 and 19? I don't know.
Goddamnit! Part of me wants to go into science. I am very into biology on every level. I like dissecting animals. I REALLY like dissecting animals. But I also like the philosophical part of science, the unknown area where you have to make up answers to your mysteries.
I love history. I love it. I think it's beautiful, but I don't know what I would do with it.
I love art. I don't see that as a career. That must be a lie, though, right? Because honestly, I throw myself into art more than anything else. Over the summer, I am taking a creative writing course (for college credit) and an intensive drawing class.
Maybe I should sign up for a history class, too, but I don't want to kill my freedom.
Someone come kiss me, I'm cute and morbid.