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2015-05-22 12:56:08 (UTC)

These Are Thoughts

"Aurora Borealis" by Lemon Demon [listen, listen, listen]

s this the first time that you've ever seen Aurora Borealis crush mankind?
The wind chimes chiming with the screams
A pretty winter night
Your hand in mine

The horizon is a fog from the breath of everyone
And I hope you're having fun
I just had to share with someone

May 22, 2015 Friday 1:01 PM

I bet Elise would have liked this song. It's from a christmas album and I fucking love it because it's not very christmas-y and is actually pretty dark. There is actually a song about Seasonal Affective Disorder and I??? think that's pretty fucking cool.

Adrian showed me this album and I think this is his favorite song off it. I said I liked it and did not reveal how actually obsessed I am with these sounds. So??? Pretty??? So good???


Gosh, I'm kind of sad, still.

It's weird. I don't know how many times I wrote this week. I remember typing things out in my head, but I don't know if it ever got to the computer.

I didn't talk about this earlier in the week, but at Peer, I cried and it was awkward.

Just because I cried with Myra. I trust Myra to keep it a secret and stuff, but I don't know if she understood. I didn't mean to be all stupid and stuff. I was just talking about how tired I was and how scared, numb, whatnot. I sounded depressed and maybe I am, but that's not how I wanted to come off.

Even if I am depressed, I am generally optimistic about it. I understand what's happening and I understand that I don't have control over it. I know it'll pass.

I said, "I don't even have anything to be sad about!" which is the moment that Elise kicked me in the mental crotch and I nearly lost control of myself.

Thoughts In That Moment:

-Shit, no no no, nope. Not now, nope. No.

No, but she has nothing to do with my current feelings. Maybe a little bit to do with it, but mostly not. It's a thing I've been dealing with for years.

I kind of hate it, though, because I'm so sad all the time. It makes me tired and uninterested in things. Boring.



My favorite parts were towards the end of the day. I talked to Adrian and I love, love, love talking to him.

Sometimes I worry that I might have a huge crush on him.

But anyway, he gets me??? He understands the weird things I say sometimes??? And also, HE ACTUALLY


I CAN'T PUT IT INTO WORDS but he said something yesterday that has bothered me my entire life because I couldn't explain it to people. They don't understand!!!

So part of the reason I hate science sometimes is because, on the molecular level, it drives me crazy. (This applies to more than just science, too, but this is the best example)

Adrian put it into words??? He was like, "Yeah, I always tried asking people HOW amino acids and stuff know exactly what to do but they wouldn't..." sorry, I can't remember the rest of his sentence and I don't want to fuck it up.

THE POINT IS. I'm still doing a horrible job of explaining. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY CHEMICALS KNOW WHAT TO DO. I've had long conversations about this kind of stuff with my dad but I still end up having questions. YES. HE GETS IT. FINALLY, I AM LESS STRANGE. That was a breakthrough.

I felt bad, though, because I told him about this after school review I was going to go to but then, I ended up leaving because I was hanging out with Lily and she didn't want to go.

I have no way to communicate with him so I hope I didn't fuck up his day, that would suck :/


Rushmore - A kid that has been in my school for awhile now. I believe he is a junior. I didn't like him for awhile, thought he was rude and kind of annoying. He was kind of creepy towards Lily. Anyway, I started talking to him a bit more this year and I actually like him, he's very nice and funny.

Lily and I began walking towards her house with Rushmore, who lives in the same direction as us. We were going to his girlfriend's house real quick to see her dog and then afterwards, he invited us to go to his house to see his bunny.


Rushmore said, "I have an hour to kill, so you guys wanna hang out?"

I think Lily wanted to leave but Rushmore was weirdly persistent, so we stayed. I didn't mind.

He plays amazing electric guitar. Fucking amazing. He's self-taught. He can play behind his head and has already mastered the Pensive Guitar Player Looking Off Into Distance expression.

he played the intro to Stairway to Heaven and ??? I think that may be relatively easy, but it was beautiful. He played a lot of different songs, they were great.

After that, Lily and I walked back to her house. I love Lily. She's my best friend. We tripped simultaneously because we were both staring at this biker who had done some pretty cool trick. At her house, I ate food, played Skyrim very briefly, and then we studied for like three hours.

I started to go insane, so we had to stop and play ping pong instead.

IT WAS A VERY ENTERTAINING DAY. In the end, I came home and hung out with Caroline, who came home for the summer on Wednesday.

We sung Skeeter Davis's "End of the World" in annoying high pitched voices for like an hour.

We started singing Radiohead's "Karma Police" (my favorite by them, honestly) and wanted to hear the actual song. The music video is fucking cool. The music video for Just frustrates me. I like it, but i WANT TO KNOW WHY ALL THE PEOPLE ARE ON THE GROUND.

It poses kind of an interesting question: Would you choose to be knowledgeable at the price of happiness? I would, I think. I don't care if I ended up sleeping on the sidewalk for the rest of my life, I desperately want to know what it is that inspires someone to do that.

About 5 radiohead songs later, we watched movie trailers. I made coffee at half past midnight and we started watching Memento, but I almost fell asleep about an hour into the movie (it's so LONNNG) so I had to go to bed.

Okay. Each month, I keep an album of music I listen to. I'm going to put that here because why not?

Spirit Quest Journey by Professor Soap

Pavements by Natalie Evans (i felt like I should give credit to who suggested it. *nods in her direction*)

Palms by Local Natives

Out Of The Scenery by Dominique Fricot

Paradise Circus by Massive Attack

That Girl I Used To Live In by The Pirate Ship Quintet

So Much Better by Amarionette (*nods*)

Fire N Gold by Bea Miller (This is a pop song and it's kind of annoying but I like part of the chorus)

The Best Of Classical Music - Mozart, Beethoven, Bach, Chopin, Vivaldi (I needed to study and this music is pretty)

Myth by Beach House

Horchata by Vampire Weekend

Swimming In The Flood by Passion Pit

Scared Enough by Brave Bird (i just like the name so much)

I AM BECOME CHRISTMAS (EP) by Lemon Demon (this is the whole album)

Aurora Borealis by Lemon Demon (this is the one song ha)

Weird Fishes by Radiohead

Empty by Ray Lamontagne

Tag! by Scarves

Close Your Eyes by Young Love

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