LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2015-05-18 17:29:23 (UTC)

Fears, Fears, Fears


May 18, 2015 Monday 5:45 PM

It's dark in here.

There should be more soon.

"Though now it is hovering darkly over me, it'll look just like heaven when I get up and leave. You're a ghost and I can't breathe,"

Oh, what a pretty song.

Nice things happened today. I didn't feel quite like a human, but that's alright, I'll live.

I missed Lily. Before, I mean. I don't miss her anymore, she's here, she's tangible, and I will try my hardest not to forget.

Not to forget.

I wonder when I'll see Psychiatrist Lady, again. I could really use an anti-depressant, or anti-anxiety. It's not unbearable or anything, but at the same time, I still feel like I can't handle it and I have nowhere to unleash my craziness. Except for here. Even then, I can't do it because I just feel so self-conscious about my anxiety.

I have Peer soon.

I could really use a dark bedroom and a body with a heartbeat.

Underwear and a t-shirt.

Blankets.

Soft murmurs.

Nothing demanding of the senses.

I'm so worried, it's crazy. Socially, I think I'm doing okay. Not showing it as much as I did forever ago. I always compare myself with whoever I was before. Dunno why.

Am I a real person? I can't help thinking I'm just a combination of everyone I've ever loved.

Does anyone really love me? I know that sounds stupid but I don't love myself enough right now to see the truth and that sucks.

Does she think I'm weird? Or stupid? Am I fat? Will my dad be dead when I get home? Will I cry in school? Will I fall down the stairs? What if that guy thinks I'm dumb? Is my dog okay? Will she die? Will I regret everything I didn't do for her? Will I regret everything in general? Why can't I just get through this? Why can't I just turn off the thoughts? Why does it make my body shake? Why can't I think about anything other than myself? Why don't I have anything to say to you? Why aren't we friends anymore? Why do I hate you? Why do I think such terrible things? Who am I to judge?

What would I do if my mom died? Oh god, what if Caroline died? What if I'm ugly? What if I don't have a good personality? What if I'm boring? Why don't I do things? Why am I not smarter? Why don't I try harder? Why am I so lazy? Why can't I will my body to wake up? How will I ever impress myself if I can only bring myself to do the bare minimum?

Am I a disappointment?

Annnnd those are some of the thoughts I think all day, every day, lately. Sometimes, my brain chills for a couple weeks and I feel better, but it always comes back. That doesn't seem like a fun way to live and to be honest, it's not.

The worst part is that most of my worries are irritatingly trivial. I know this, yet I can't stop caring. Not even logic and rationality can kill the stupidity.

Gosh.

I don't know what I need.

I just know that I hate myself a little bit, lately. I'd really like to love myself again.

Wait it out, wait it out. You last longer than your moods.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

It's not like I have much of a choice.


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