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2015-05-17 16:42:23 (UTC)


"Dramamine" by Modest Mouse

May 17, 2015 Sunday 4:42 PM

Goddamnit, I really miss her.

I read this diary a loooong time ago, and I was kind of worried that she was dead since she hasn't updated in forever. I checked, though, and I believe she's okay. Her last entry was last month. I think I unsuscribed for some reason.

I used to talk to her. Just a few emails. I was looking for them, typing in the search bar of my Gmail and Elise's email address showed up so I clicked that link instead.

I guess we talked more than I thought. We had a shit ton of emails. It was nice going through them. I'm so glad I got to know her when she was here.

I cried a little bit, though, because I sent her entry feedback on November 12 (sooper long ago) saying, "YAY YOU DID THE SONG"

She put Travel Song by Someone Still loves You Boris Yeltsin as her lil thing at the bottom.

The message she sent back confused me (she had thought I was Anastasia, her best friend) so I checked the entry itself and she wrote about me a bit. That was nice. I remember that conversation. We were arguing over who was better. I was saying that she was amazing and she was insisting that I am, haha (That reminded me that she really liked my brown eyes and that STILL makes me happy!!!!!) But anyways...

That kinda hit me like a small, eighteen wheeler. Fuck, she was fun to talk to. And now we can never do those fancy things. Go to opera with those old binoculars on sticks. Where lacy dresses and sip tea. Ehhh.

There was also a thing where we talked about watching gay sex, haha. :(

I really don't know what happened because... I used to talk to her all the time, send her feedback and everything. I don't know. And then I kind of went through one of my famous Drops Off Face Of Planet periods in December and January (I'm going through another one now).

I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do. I really missed out ughhh noooo this is bad, this is bad. Okay. Okay. I just need to remember nice things. And there were a lot of nice things.

Oh god, this hurts. I want to call her. Message her.

I'm sorry. I know this is a weird entry. Sometimes, it's all I can think about, though. I feel like throwing a temper tantrum.

"no! NO! NO! NO! NO! That can't just HAPPEN. You can't just stop BEING HERE! NO!NONONO! NO!"

It's like a flickering light in my head. She's here, she's not. She's here, she's not. She's been gone this whole time, but her body keeps twitching and I can't make my memory solidify. I just almost forget.

I wish forgetting made it so. If it could change the way things happened, then memory loss would be my #1 best friend.

NO. I'm mildly upset right now, but at least the crying stopped. No. I think I'm okay again. Numbness sets in very quickly. It's pretty much there all the time. I would hate that fact, but without it, I think I'd probably never leave the house.

Why does mourning feel so unbelievably selfish?

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