LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2015-05-15 21:37:53 (UTC)

It Was A Lifetime Ago

To: You

"Myth" by Beach House [pretty, pretty song]

Can’t keep hanging on to what is dead and gone
If you build yourself a myth
You’d know just what to give
Materialize
Or let the ashes fly

Help me to name it
Help me to name it

May 15, 2015 Friday 9:41 PM [NEW NIGHT VALE EPISODE, YESSSS. something creepy to fall asleep to :)]

Things I Told Myself To Do Today:

-answer those emails that have been sitting in your inbox for a week
-try to spend an hour alone with your thoughts

Things I Haven't Done Today:

-either of those two things

The thing is, I dunno if being alone in my head would be such a good idea right now. I can feel it under the surface. It's not something I should try to touch, right? Do you know what I mean?

Sometimes, I wish you could answer me. And by sometimes I mean all the time.

I feel bad for not answering those emails :( I really want to and it's not a lie to say I've been busy. Sometimes, I just sit around, but mostly, I'm doing homework and studying and trying not to forget to think about certain things on a daily basis. I don't want to lose those certain things. They're only in my head, now, and if I stop reminding myself to acknowledge it, it'll leave me and I'll be sad.

There was just a huge explosion sound outside the window and I got really paranoid. It wasn't like the normal sounds, the pops that I hear at night that leave me thinking, "Fireworks or gunshots? Probably fireworks, because I live around a bunch of frat houses and old people with kids, so who would they be shooting?" It was a fuckton louder. I went outside and thought I smelled gasoline but I must be going crazy. I wouldn't be too surprised. I see things out of the corner of my eyes lately. I saw a bug earlier today. Last week, I saw this weird spider person, but I think that was because I had a fever and still forced myself to go to school.

Anyway... I like that part of a friendship where I stop having to answer people's texts. I know that's kind of weird, but let me explain. At first, I want to text Brand New Friend steadily, to see how much we have in common and how long I can keep the conversation going and so I can figure out what kind of texter they are.

The only problem is that that is so exhausting. I am not good at steady conversation, haha. All my closer friends know that 50% of the time, I ignore their messages. Either that, or I answer 2 hours/2 days, later.

It's because I am kind of introverted. Socializing makes me tired. By the time I get home from school, I am DONE talking to people, especially if it's Wednesday or Thursday.

I don't understand how some people hang out with their friends every fucking day after school. I absolutely adore my friends, but I need a lot of alone time. Also, I have a strict schedule going on. I have my day set up so that I have a couple hours to procrastinate, a couple hours to shower and do homework and pamper myself, and a couple more hours for relaxing. I remember explaining this to Lily's dad like a lifetime ago, haha.

Speaking of which, the other day, Lily told me her parents separated last week. We had been talking about summer and I was wondering why her parents were going to be in different places and she said, "Well, actually, they separated. My dad's living in [apartment building he owns]"

I was actually very surprised and kind of sad. I've known Lily since before I knew I existed as a human being and there was a world beyond Earth (although I think I always kind of knew these things in the back of my mind). I've also known her family for that long so, yeah.

Oh, gosh, I really hope Lily is alright. Lily is perfect. Have I mentioned that? Not enough lately. She is perfect. But she's not the type to talk about things. For as long as I've known her, she's avoided talking about heavier things. Like, when we were both depressed, it was ME who was always fucking complaining. She never really said anything and that kind of hurt me. It shouldn't have. It's not like you can spill your guts and expect someone to do the same, it's very unfair to do that.

I'm glad she told me that happened, though. I tried not to make it weird. She said she didn't know how to tell people, because it's such an awkward thing to say and I KNEW HOW SHE FELT.

Whenever something kind of bad happened in my life and I tried to discuss it with people, it only made things really fucking awkward and I haaaaaate that. I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable, I just want to share things with them, even bad things. So I understood and I hope I reacted the right way. Told her she could talk to me if she wanted to. I don't think she will, though.

Certain Things are scratching at my skull. Ahhh, shut up for now, okay?

Oh! I wanted to take the time to recognize Adrian as a good friend. He suggested a blog (sixpenceee.tumblr.com) to me and I really love it. First, I liked that he saw something and thought I would like it??? That's nice??? It means I made an impression on an actual human being???

Second, it's actually an amazing blog. IT HAS CREEPY SCIENCE STUFF AND A BUNCH OF WEIRD HORROR STORIES. SOME OF THEM ARE SHITTY BUT I DON'T EVEN CARE, I'LL READ IT ANYWAY.

I wish you could meet Adrian, you'd like him. He read Slaughterhouse-Five and we talked about that for awhile. I fucking love Kurt Vonnegut. He's so apathetic, it's amazing. I was also telling some people about Marina, today. Sam (oh yeah, I forgot, I'm sitting with her again. Apparently, I like her more than I thought oops) tried telling me Marina was a sociopath. I kind of think Marina could actually have been a sociopath, but I don't want to just SAY that. It's a cold thing to say about a human being. She made me feel bad about myself, though, and I that's why I don't think about her often. She wasn't good for me.

Oh, yeah. I haven't mentioned Marina in like two years. She's a girl I've known since like fifth grade, but she moved to the town over before high school, so I only see her once a year. Lily and her are best friends.

Marina was basically this kind of awkward, chubby girl who was incredibly, incredibly smart. But she lied. She lied a lot. She was manipulative, too. Eventually, she climbed the social ladder and lost weight. I don't know. I used to know her so well. I convinced Lily, who hated her, to give her a chance. I would go through periods where I hated her but I didn't know why (it was because she liked to give subtle, backhanded compliments and just tended to push others down in order to feel better about herself).

What's weird is that I hear so many different things about her. The whole time we were friends, she claimed she was atheist. This year, I was talking to Alexis and she said, "Y'know, I never really liked Marina too much. Someone said something kind of science related in study hall one day in 8th grade and Marina got mad. She claimed that god created everything and, I don't know, all these religious things..."

And things like that have happened before. It's so creepy because it makes me wonder... how often she lied.

BUT.... I kind of went on a tangent there, sorry. Back to appreciating Adrian. I frickin' love talking to him because he understands things I say??? When they almost don't make sense?? And I like hearing about his childhood because apparently, he was a tiny genius and that's kind of cool.

Oh! I did good, today. I felt less anxious and I talked to people more. I even talked with Micah!!! I haven't talked to her in forever!!! She's been smacking my booty (why am I so gay with my friends. this isn't even the weirdest thing I do with them) all week and she kept focusing on one cheek!!! Like, if you're going to smack the left part of my booty, next time, you need to smack the right. I don't care if you're right-handed, keep it EVEN.

There were spirals in my head, shadows in my lungs, and it was beautiful.

Alright. I'm going to go play some creepy games. Trying to avoid myself right now.

I think I've missed you since the moment I was born.


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