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2015-05-11 20:57:14 (UTC)

Zeus and Jellyfish

"Empty" by Ray LaMontagne

I never learned to count my blessings
I choose instead to dwell
In my disasters
I've been to hell and back
So many times
I must admit
You kinda bore me

there's a lot of things
That can kill a man
There's a lot of ways
To die
Yes, and some already did
And walk beside me
Will I always feel this way
So empty
So estranged?

May 11, 2015 Monday 9:00 PM

I'm pretty sure I complained about it last week, but my life has been really stressful lately. It wouldn't have been so bad if I weren't sick for like three weeks. I'm better now, but I still have an awful cough and a runny nose.

But!!! Things are nice, now. I decided to organize myself a bit, because I was feeling so scattered, and I pampered my body (painted my nails, put this oil stuff in my hair so it won't be so try, massaging my feet, putting on lotion all the time, etc.) and that actually cheered me up a lot.

It's kind of amazing how much it does for you, just to feel fresh and pretty.

It's really hot out and that's annoying because I have virtually NO summer clothes and I already have a warm body, so I get overheated easily. It makes me pissed off and is generally a hassle.

I've been reading this book that Caroline got me, something about the origins of dragon myths. It's kind of boring but I'm very interested in the subject, so I'll just push on through. Just like The Sociopath Next Door (a book I read last year), it's mostly just dry, meaningless facts, but??? I'm still only in the beginning so it'll probably get better. Reading about tyhe origins of dragon mythology makes me remember why I found Greek myths so interesting - they were fucking dramatic.


Also, I don't know if I mentioned this, but last month, I finished Invisible Monsters (by the fight club guy).

I really didn't like it. He used the SAME ADJECTIVES over and fucking over again to describe certain people. This one character, Brandy, was described as having plumbago lips, auburn hair,torpedo boobs and large hands that were some reminder of her past. Now, that's fine, but every time she was in a sentence, it'd be all, "Brandy walked across the room with her plumbago lips, large hands waving in the air, auburn locks shining," and the next sentence would be, "With her torpedo boobs sticking straight out, Brandy pursed her plumbago lips and toyed with her auburn hair before saying..."

Not only that, but all the characters were incredibly self pitying. Which mostly annoys me because it reminds me of myself. I think anything that annoys me can actually be traced back to some form of myself, but that's besides the point.

They fucking mutilated themselves because they wanted to escape society or some shit??? On one hand, I get what they were saying. They felt trapped in time, and I know what they meant. They kept saying the only way to escape the constructs of society was to do what you didn't want to do... Like fucking shoot half your face off and permanently terminate whatever beauty you had.

It was just annoying, though, because yes, people are the one who perpetuate society's flaws, but??? You don't have to. There are plenty of beautiful things in the world that need to be appreciated. Yes, a lot of people are very focused on material things, but it's not like everyone is "brainwashed" or something. You're not helping by sacrificing your happiness, your just making life pointless. I mean, life already is kind of pointless, but it's nice to enjoy it and be happy. If that's "exactly what society wants" then whatever??? I'll totally be happy. Ugh, it just made me mad. I feel like people who are depressed and think they see the world for what it is are the kinds of people who would be fans of this book.

AKA my past self, haha. Oh my god, I thought I was so... different. And special. Better. I probably still kind of think that, but I don't want to.


Hold on, gotta peeee.

Okay, success.

So I still think about Elise very much. Less than before and mostly in a passing way, but yeah. I feel like I've overextended my right to mourn, seeing as how I was such a shitty friend. I really did love talking to her and reading her writing, but afterwards, I'd become scared that she'd get bored of me or something dumb and I'd disappear. I'm lame that way. I do that with everyone. I know this sounds weird, but whenever I see a pretty sky, I always remember her skin. Haha. I don't know if I thought her skin was the color of the sky or if it was the other way around, but I believe we talked about it once. Ahhh, I remember I'd always appreciate a gorgeous sunset or something and I'd want to tell her about it but I didn't because I was dumb as hellllll :/ Life is fucking hilarious that way, haha. Gosh, I miss her.

My legs are soft.

I am, at heart, a spider and I have painted black holes onto my fingernails. They swallow my worries and I spin silk.

Currently: this very cute spider is wearing Winnie The Pooh boxers and some unnamed, black t-shirt

I hope I get a name like Winnie The Pooh. Veronica The Spider.

I miss Caroline. She comes home in a couple weeks and because she's so busy, she hasn't answered my texts!!!

I send her Welcome To Night Vale (my favorite thing) quotes and photos of creepy things that I like. Examples: a child's creepy ass drawing of an alpaca with a weird sentence scrawled at the bottom, "When it sprouts its wings, you know what to fear."


Also.... There is a place called Jellyfish Lake and it's fucking full of adorable, floofy jellyfish who don't even sting???? I want to go there. Ugh. The world is so pretty.

Sam was kind of mean, today. I sat with Alexis and she sent me this text about how I'm a shitty friend because I ignored her wave??? I saw her wave out of the corner of my eye, but I wasn't sure it was at me so I decided that if she did it a second time, I'd wave back. Anyway, I don't really think we should be friends anymore, anyway. I wish I could handle her moods, but I really can't.

She knows she's a bitter, rude asshole, but doesn't try to change. I'm actually afraid to talk around her because she gets mad so unexpectedly. I still feel kind of guilty, but it's probably for the best.

Okay, goodnight.

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