Story of a Girl
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2015-05-10 21:03:08 (UTC)


Is it weird that when I'm told I'll be getting food, I basically can't stop thinking about it until I actually start eating it? Like, Elías told me he'd take me to Raising Cane's on Tuesday after school so for the past few nights, I've been going to sleep with a smile on my face because I know that Tuesday, after school, I'll be getting food.

Food basically gives me a reason to live & get through the day. I live for food.

(Maybe that explains why I feel so fat? I obviously can't stop thinking about all the fooooood I want to consume.)

BUT YAY, I'M GETTING FOOD! I haven't eaten any Cane's in forever, so I'm actually pretty excited to go! Jazzy, Guy, & Donavin are coming with us, so it's not going to be a "just us" date, but I guess that's okay because I'm still getting Cane's & that's all I really care about. I mean, I care about my friends & all... but Cane's. CANE'S.

The Cane's sauce though.


I'm REALLY looking forward to Tuesday afternoon. Because food. I'm not going to stop thinking about it for the next two nights.

OH. So, you know how Stephen & Ellíe have been working on their project? Okay, well, Stephen came over again & it's been hell having him AND Elías in the same room. Ellíe had made spaghetti for lunch while my mom & her husband cleaned outside... So the four of us were eating. And the spaghetti had meatballs. Stephen & Ellíe were sitting on opposite sides of El & I, except Ellíe was sitting in front of her brother for obvious reasons.

And a meatball flew out of nowhere & hit El right underneath his right eye.

So he's trying SO hard not to do anything to Stephen who was smirking. And OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE, El just JUMPS over the table to tackle him and then they broke out fighting... because that's basically all they ever do when they're in the same room. It was kind of a stupid thing for us to do, but Ellíe & I were trying to break them up & we both did get accidentally punched but Elízabeth was the one to scream & the guys INSTANTLY just stopped. It took 0.2 seconds for them to make up & forget why they were ever fighting.

Holy fuck.


What the even?

It was like watching two dogs fight over a piece of meat & once the meat is right in front of their faces, they just go "O_______O MEAAAT" and the whole situation was fucking weird. I don't think it even sounds believable in writing, you would've had to have been there in order to believe it.

Or like when you're in the band room & everyone's involved in their own chaos, but as soon as the drum major calls attention, EVERYONE just stops. That example makes more sense, I think. But yeah, it was weird.

Briana was sleeping in our bedroom, so we had to unfortunately be in the living room with Ellíe & Steph while they worked on their project. It wasn't all bad, though. Elías had brought one of our boxes out to the living room, & the box was FULL of little mementos from my 8th grade year, or his junior year. One of the pictures that stood out the most was one where Elías had his tips dyed, & I had my whole "strawberry milkshake" hair going on. We even looked legitimately cute in the picture, too. We were trying to reenact the "Just Be Friends" picture, with the guy & girl holding the balloon. The hair colour was completely coincidental, though. BUT DAMN. 2012-2013 was the BEST year of our relationship. Oh, what I'd give to go back to those years. Or, just middle school in general.

OH. Speaking of hair colour... So, Elías & I made this really stupid bet months ago & it had something to do with dying our hair again, but since we forgot what the original bet was, we started another bet-ish thing. Actually, Fern was the one to bring it up. She would dye her hair green (a colour she's terrified of & never had before) if Elías won his taekwondo tournament against this one kid that she really hates. And if El lost, him & I would have to dye our hair AND buy her Japanese goodies. She lost the bet, but we're going to be dying our hair with her because we would've done it anyway. Elías is going to be dying his hair a kind of beach brown colour & he's going to dye his tips too so that they fade from brown to blonde. And I'm going back to pink hair, except that it's not going to be the hot pink I had years ago. It's going to be almost a bubblegum pink colour, & it's going to fade into a pastel pink/purple-ish color. It's kind of like the reverse hair color I had back in 8th grade. (the way I describe it makes the color choice sound gross but it's going to look so cool, just trust me on this, future me)

And, I'm actually kinda excited for this! I know that El has been wanting me to go back to pink, & I've honestly been in a really nostalgic mood where I miss it, even if pink hair made me look batshit crazy... I looked as if I had just stepped out of some anime. Kawaii desu ne my ass... I'm probably going to get A LOT of shit from my mom & the magnet program director, but mainly from my mom. The director of the program will give me SO much shit, but it won't be as severe because it's the end of the year. I'll probably get suspended or detention for a month, but it won't be as bad as getting an expulsion from the program itself. Besides, I'm quitting the magnet program so it won't make much of a difference.

Speaking of the magnet program, I think I've mentioned before that my family isn't moving to North/South Dakota anymore, so we're still staying here in this city. Since we're staying, I can either go to the new school that I'm zoned for, or stay at my current school... I, uh, I had a talk with my parents & they don't want me being involved with band anymore. In broader terms, they don't really want me being involved with music OR anything that takes up time after school hours... So yeah. But honestly, it's okay with me. I'm not enjoying band as much as I was in the beginning of the year. After the whole Ale dropping my instrument, I'm a lot more discouraged to play an instrument. That, & I honestly don't like having playing tests because I just make a huge fool out of myself. I'm just not enjoying myself as I used to, so I'm not going to bother staying in the marching, pep, or band class. I'm "officially" done. Maybe I'm just not cut out for music like everyone else?

I've been wanting to get involved with Orchestra for the two years I've been at this school, but now that I've decided not to be involved with band, I've also decided that not getting involved with orchestra would be better for me, despite the fact that I've always wanted to learn to play the Cello & Double Bass... So now I've got to request a schedule change with my counselor. I requested to have Home Ec, Drawing 1, Spanish 2 (to make up the half credit, since my spanish class got removed midyear??) & Beg. Orchestra for my next year electives, but I'm probably going to change Orchestra to French 1. Learning new languages is something I've always enjoyed, so having a schedule change isn't that bad a change. And, as for schools... The only reason why I want to move is because of bad relations with certain people. Certain people that are more than likely to be in my classes next year. That, and the kid who lives across my dad's house. These kids make me miserable, but other than that, the school isn't bad. The kids there are absolutely fucking rude, don't allow "outsiders" to join their cliques, & don't give a shit about their education. But really. It's an okay school. It's great. The school I'm now zoned for has kids from my middle school (my "best friend" goes there), but they have uniform & uniforms are an instant no-no for me. I absolutely do NOT tolerate uniforms. And the school is hated by everyone because it's ghetto. It has a horrible reputation, but the people there are SO much more nicer & accepting of others.

So I still have to decide which school I want to go to. (If my dad moved houses, I'd stay at the current school. The kid across the street torments me the most, honestly. But if we moved, I wouldn't have to deal with him & I'd be a lot happier)

It's the little things that bother me the most. Those little things keep me from making a rational decision.

So, Elías picked me up after school on Friday. I had promised Zamia & Renett that I'd walk them to their lockers, so the three of us (after we met up with Zamia) waited for Renett by the bike racks. On the way to the second building with her locker, Renett pointed something out.

Renett: *pedaling on bike* So, you're also OCD about the way you walk.

Me: *abrupt stop* What?

El: ...A warning would've been nice.

Me: I'm sorry. (because we were holding hands & he kept walking, haha)

Renett: Keep walking.

Me: ...Why?

Renett: Just eep walking.

Zamia: Renett, stop being weird.

Renett: I'm not being weird! Anyway, let's just keep walking.

Zamia: Okaaaaay.

Renett: ...SEE?!

El: Hm?

Renett: She doesn't step on the cracks. She takes exactly three steps, but never once does she step on the cracks. And she takes two big steps if she's close to stepping on a crack.

Zamia: ...Okay?

Me: So what? It doesn't mean anything.

Renett: It means you're OCD about the way you walk.

El: You're OCD?


Now it's Sunday, & she actually came a few minutes ago because she had a fight with her mom, right after Elías had to leave to meet with his dad at their hotel room. She was helping me organize my new bathroom when she pointed another thing out.

Renett: Why do you only have 4 toilet roll papers?

Me: One is going on the paper holder thing & three are going in the cabinet things under the sink.

Renett: ...Three is an odd number.

Me: ...OH SHIT YOU'RE RIGHT. *running out of bathroom*


Ellíe: *sees me running throuh the living room* Bianca what the hell are you running away from?

Me: *runs back in with other toilet paper roll* There! Now there are four. Happy happy happy~

Stephen: *strolls in* WHAAAAAT the fuck is going on in here?

Me: Go work on your project. You don't have time.

Stephen: ...Well no, I don't have time, but I always have time for you. What's going on in here?

Me: I'm going to beat you to a pulp if you don't go back to helping Ellíe.

Renett: She's being OCD again.

Me: *angry noise*

Renett: I told her there were only three toilet paper rolls instead of four.

Stephen: ...Because three is an odd number?

Renett: Exactly.

Stephen: ...Interesting. *pulls on the towel hanging on the towel bar*

Me: STOP TOUCHING THAT. *makes it even again*

Renett: *whispering* I like how she's taking the extra time to make sure all the corners match up.

Me: I can STILL hear you.

So Stephen felt bad that he was making fun of me for "being OCD," (which I'm not) so he went over to the grocery street on the other block & he brought me a block of Monterey Jack cheese. You guys don't understand. CHEESE. Fucking cheese. Cheeeeese. Monterey Jack is like my ultimate favorite! I live for cheese.

Stephen: I don't understand your obsession with cheese, but okay. It makes you happy I guess.

Me: It's not an obsession. I just really like cheese.

Stephen: Talk cheese to me.

Me: Monterey Jack, Swiss, Cheddar, Fresh, MOLDY, Caboc, Grated, String, Blue, Filetta--

Renett: She's cutting the cheese into PERFECT slices. Just saying.

And later on, they asked if I could order a pizza from Dominos...

Stephen: Pepperoni pleaseeee.

Me: ...


Me: Uh...

Renett: Hawaii for the fucking win.

Stephen: I actually want one of their pastas. Chicken alfredo... Where'd I leave my wallet?

Me: ...

Ellíe: You okay?

Me: ...

Ellíe: ...Or you know, I can just order if you want.

Me: P-PLEASE. *hands phone*

And Renett ended up suggesting that I might've had social anxiety or something. While we ate pizza (we settled on just pepperoni), she looked up anxiety on google. The first website she went on was, which listed 12 signs of anxiety, & I met; difficulty sleeping, irrational fears, excessive worry, chronic indigestion, stage fright, self-consciousness, perfectionism, compulsive behaviors, & self-doubt. 10 out of 12.

Those were just "signs," so she decided to go on & look up common symptoms. I met; problems sleeping, cold or sweaty hands and/or feet, shortness of breath, feelings of panic, fear, and uneasiness, and heart palpitations.

After that, she decided to have me take a screening. The first one we went to was on a website called psychologytoday & I scored a 93 out of 100. "You have a high level of existential anxiety, which can be best explained as a sense of dissatisfaction with life and a feeling that things are somehow beyond your realm of control. Overall, people with such an outlook often feel helpless, as though nothing is predictable or stable, and wonder why they are not as happy as other people appear to be. They may sometimes feel out of control, afraid of the future or even question whether life has any meaning. Your regular flashes of existential anxiety could send you on a downward spiral if you don't get a grip on them. Adopting a more positive outlook could have a profound effect on the way you view the world, your role in it, and your level of anxiety."

The next screening was on & "You scored 71 out of 90 possible points... 60-90 Your score indicates a high amount of social anxiety and most likely would meet DSM-IV standards for social anxiety disorder" Of course, these aren't official screenings, but she told me I should probably get that & my "OCD" checked out. Thing is... social anxiety & OCD don't exist to my parents. I'm either terrified of "everything" or "overly specific." But an actual disorder doesn't exist. Like, this is how a conversation would go between the doctors & my parents.

Dad: You... you sure? My friend, she scared. EVERYTHING. She scare ah everything!

Doctor: Yes sir... She has anxiety.

Dad: But she scared ah everything! No people, no parties, she don' like talkin' that it, nothin' wrong!

Doc: Sir. It's anxiety.

Dad: And she no clean home! She only use phone, no clean! She do everrrrrrything wrong, no mopping floor!

Doc: SIR.

Except imagine my dad as the typical mexican who can't speak English. Yeah.

I've also been throwing up & I've had stomach pains that last the entire day... completely different from the stomach pains I've felt before. My mom's husband told me he was getting paid & he'd take me to a clinic on Friday... BUT THAT NEVER HAPPENED. If they're not likely to take me to a clinic to get my stomach checked out, what makes it likely that they'll take me to a clinic to check my MENTAL health out?

My mom told me long ago, "When I get my taxes, I'll take you to the hospital." That was like in January or February. IT IS MAY. May. M a y. Is it too late to ask my mom & hopefully not get beat for asking a stupid question? Of course, the first batch of stomach pains were back in November throughout March-ish. But now it's May & these stomach pains last all day instead of being reoccurring like the last ones, they're different.

So yeah. I'm just going to hope that it's not anything too serious because if it is, I'm basically fucked.

And, it's taken me a while to notice, but I've lost a lot of interest in writing. I love writing, I really do. My writing is shit (noticeable bad grammar & punctuation) but I just love being able to write down my thoughts; it's actually helped me cheer up. Like, when I rant about me not liking my mom. Sometimes I don't post those rants, but I get to release the emotions I bottled up inside & after I'm done writing, I feel better. As of lately, I've been writing things down to help me with MY personal project, and writing feels more like a chore than a hobby. I REALLY want to start working on this project, but I'm not able to work on this project until I can get that new computer I've been asking for (my parents "forgot"), so the most I can do is keep recording my daily activities until I can officially start working on the project. I've been doing whatever I can to record my daily activities, whether it be by taking pictures or videos, but most of it is done by writing about it... and because of that, writing is more of a "chore" & I don't like it. I created a back-up account when I created this one, so what I'm going to do is just post all my daily entries on that account, & post more rant/"important" stuff on this one, so posts are maybe a week or two apart & not so often as I've been making them. I think it'll work well! So, instead of posting about what happened at school or whatever I deem unimportant, stuff like that will be posted on my back-up for my project & more "important" stuff (like a break up, rant, important change in my life, etc) will be posted on this one, kinda like when I first started. It'll be more organized for me & I'll definitely benefit, once I actually start working on my project. (most of the stuff here will mainly be rants because ranting is all I know how to do, heh)

So I guess this is my last unimportant entry? I don't know. Something in the back of my mind told me to write, so I guess that's what I'm doing.

Also, 2 Unlimited is the SHIT! Seriously. Sometimes I just wish I could have been born in the 1980s so that I could have experienced growing up in the 90s with that type of music... This week is what Briana would call my "90s phase." Or, y'know, music from the 1900s throughout 2000s...

2 Unlimited - Tribal Dance (1993, so 1990s song)
Dion - Runaway Sue (1961, but still great)
Jackson 5 - I Want You Back (1969 THE SHIT)

EDIT: 9:04PM I WANT YOU BACK JUST STARTED PLAYING. It appears to be a good night so far!

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