The Rat

2015-05-08 14:08:50 (UTC)

Spied on her thoughts after we broke up

She wrote:

"My girlfriend and I broke up. I did not really see it coming, though I was always afraid of it so I was always somewhat prepared from the last time we broke up. I really do not know how to react, I was just crying at her house for many hours. I really, really love her and I did not want to break up. She means so much to me. She said she was very unhappy, and was always angry with me about things from the past, and she could not let go of them. She said she was too unhappy to try to work them out. I dragged the conversation on a very long time by crying and crying and asking if there was anything I could do to fix things, because I could not really accept that it was happening. I feel like I was finally letting myself feel my feelings again for her, and I felt very inspired to do nice things for her to show her how much I care about her.
We both love each other very much, and did not want to break up, but she was very unhappy and I don't want her to feel unhappy. I feel terribly empty, and very in shock. I'm very sad because our one year anniversary would be on monday. I am trying to block out my feelings. I feel very very depressed and just want to cry and cry. I'm hoping someday we will be able to be together, because I know in my heart how I feel about her. We have already broken up once before, which was awful and my fault. I thought since going out again, we were closer and having a great relationship, but for about a month and a half she told me she has been very unhappy and has felt "off" and like there has been something wrong. I guess I haven't really understood how to deal with the problems we have been having recently, but I was very prepared to work on them and had already been making plans to. I really just love her so much, and I saw myself with her for many years. I feel terrible and empty, and I am afraid of what is my BPD and what is my feelings. I feel so confident in how I feel about her, that things will be okay, but I don't know. She said that she wanted to be friends eventually, but needed time. We left, hugged and kissed and said we loved each other. I must've said I loved her 20 times. I don't know, I feel like I don't understand how life works.
I keep thinking about the cd that she made for me that represented our entire relationship, and how I only listened to it once with her, and I couldn't stop crying while she played it for me. I never listened to it again, because I was afraid if I listened to it I would never stop crying, but I wish that I did. She put so much thought into it, and I've never met anyone who is so thoughtful and caring. She really has been my everything, my reason for going on. I've been trying to protect myself for so long from falling in love too hard, and getting hurt. I don't know what else to say, but I did not expect this to happen today at all. I was crying last night, because I was thinking about how much I loved her. I guess I just have my hope for us."

And responded to a comment with:

"I have struggling very bad with crying and feeling terribly empty and heartbroken. I miss her so much and I am pretty shocked still that this happened. This is a huge change for me, and I feel devastated to lose her once again, but there is nothing I can do right now. I really don't even know what to do with myself, but I feel like I have been dealing with it okay so far, better than I usually do. I feel like I am pretending though and blocking out all of the intense feelings I have, and the flashbacks of our relationship and to protect myself, but maybe that is the best thing to do. I just feel so much, I don't know what to do. I keep having overwhelming thoughts about the CD that she gave me a long while ago, whenever I think about it, I just break down because I think about the beauty of our relationship, all of the different experiences we have had together and how much I love her. I wish I could talk to her and tell her, but I know that I can't which makes me even more sad. I told her many times yesterday and she knows how I feel about her, I am just used to expressing my feelings to her and having her support and comfort.
I am very grateful one of my friends has been taking care of me today and yesterday, and I have been avoiding home. My dad has been yelling at me for not being at home because he is sick and wants me to take care of my dog, but I can't tell him why I am upset and I do not want to be alone (He yells at me whenever I cry, and the second I am alone all I do think about her and cry).
Sorry for going on and on, I'm just having such a tough time and am worried. I appreciate your support Kitty."

Other entries:

"When I am alone, the emptiness and the feelings of hate for myself come back, and how much I miss my girlfriend. All the memories and the connection we had together, and how I feel like no one will compare to her. I'm having overwhelming feelings of not wanting to exist anymore because the pain feels so unbearable. I'm going to work again now, and I'm hoping I can keep it together there because I've been crying all morning."

"Last night, I spent the day with one of my friends. She came to work with me and through the day I continued the talk things out, because I was once again, having a really hard time and crying a lot throughout the day. Having rushes of memories of my girlfriend and I together, immense feelings of regret and missing her. A lot of feelings I feel, of fighting this reality and feeling confused with the feelings of love. Toward the end of the day, after my friend had laid some harsh truth about breakups that she wish someone told her. And to not spend my time worrying about what she thinks of me, and that the girl I fell in love with when we first where together isn't there anymore. She said that when she was crying over and ex once, her sister told her that the guy she was crying over probably was not crying over it like she was. She said to imagine my gf not caring. I just have a hard time believing that she doesn't care, and is not going through a hard time too.

Toward the end of my roller coaster of a day, I was thinking a lot about the word trust, and I had a sudden moment where I had this intense release of letting go, and a feeling of trust in her decision to end things right now. An acceptance and understanding that we both love each other very much, and that she still does exist, and our memories together still exist in each others head and I will be able to see her again. That I will be able to talk to her about these memories. It was a sort of acceptance that I love her so much, I could accept being friends with her, if I truly love her because I want her to be in my life. She doesn't have to be completely gone from my life. I just got the feeling of loving and understanding each other so much. And if in the future we decide to be in a relationship again, we will when we are ready to be if that's where things lead to. I just need to trust in her, and trust in life and where takes me. I guess it just makes me feel upset that the reason she broke up with me, was because she didn't trust me, but I trust so much in her. I became more in the present moment for the rest of the night, and watched some inspiring Ted talks about following your passion.

This morning though that feeling of letting go I experienced last night went away, I woke up from a terrible and painful nightmare that involved her, and have been trying to sleep more and more to calm my anxiety. I slept too much, I am feeling nauseous and feeling intense amounts of anxiety and emptiness, to the point where I feel sick and crazy, so I am scared. I kept waking up throughout trying to sleep in, with several realizations that upset me. I am worried I won't be able to let go of these feelings of love for her, and that I will be disappointed. I feel like I am fighting reality once again, and am just so depressed. I am worried I won't be able get through these feelings I have for her, and be able to see her again. I just have never felt this way before about anyone, but I am really tired of being in this much pain"

"Waves of feelings. I just started crying again after I was feeling quite a bit better today because I started thinking about how much I miss my girlfriend. It was strange because earlier I started to get excited about living my life again, more hopeful and inspired. But over the past hour or two I started to feel more down and hopeless again. Its weird because I'm happy when I think about her sometimes, because I miss her and she made me happy, and I hope to see/talk to her again, but then I start to feel like a fool. I feel like even though I love her so much, that most relationships don't work out anyway, I just don't understand the purpose of them. I just feel so sad that she does not trust me, even though I was faithful to her and loved her. I was looking back and I feel like I have matured a bit and made progress this year on a lot of my unhealthy habits and issues that we were problems in our relationship, such as issues with drinking. I couldn't fix all of them at once, and I am still in treatment so I couldn't fix everything. I just wish she was willing to work of these problems. I felt better earlier when I think about the situation not being in my power. My DBT therapist keeps reminding me that relationships are 50/50. I'm still left depressed that though she loved me too, she felt so hopeless and incapable of fixing our problems and overcoming her trust issues.
I don't know what will make me happy anymore. I just feel alone, though I am surrounded by the support of my friends. I wasn't feeling like this earlier, I almost felt like nothing was wrong, but I think I was a bit delusional. I felt more "myself" today, but then I get sad that I can't show her my best self, and make her laugh and be happy."

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