LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2015-05-07 16:47:27 (UTC)

Stressed!!! Out!!!

"That Girl I Used To Live In" by The Pirate Ship Quintet

May 7, 2015 Thursday 4:49 PM

WARNING: this whole entry is 95% complaints and 5% appreciation, so.


So here is a quick rundown:

-I had been mildly sick for like TWO FUCKING WEEKS and then yesterday, my body decided to give up and succumb to ultimate sickness. Yes. I feel like I have a fever and I lost my voice, so all I can do is cough and whisper loudly and try not to move whilst patting my head with a cool washcloth.

-My self esteem is low as fuck??? I must be anxious because I am very paranoid about everything I do and how other people perceive my actions. It's stressful.

-I'M NOT IN SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE THIS SICKNESS IS KILLING ME. I missed three tests and I probably won't be better by tomorrow. Doesn't matter, though! Even if I'm not better, I'll have to go to school. That, I can kind of deal with BUT I also have fucking track practice.

I'm about to complain in more detail. Sorry.

YESTERDAY, I SUFFERED. I WAS FEELING SICK AND SLOWLY LOSING THE ABILITY TO SPEAK. I must've gotten annoying because I kept complaining about being sick but whatever.

Mr. Sandwich was really nice, though!!! He's my favorite fucking teacher. He got me and Alexis out of science class so we could help him take pictures of kid's artwork for the city school district calendar (he's the district Art Director as well as being my Ceramics teacher so I guess it's his responsibility) and!!! And!!!

HE BOUGHT US FRESH SUSHI (he bought it from the local college campus's amazing cafeteria). SUSHI IS MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOOD. I LOVE EVERY BIT OF IT. Ughhh. There was Salmon sushi, and crunchy tuna, and spicy vegetarian rolls ..... Plus, he gave me soda.

He also does this super weird, creepy ass voice "purely for Veronica's entertainment" (that's me hehe). Anyway, he made my shitty day a lot better.
Really watered down the urge to shove a knife through my temple, you know?

The track meet really sucked, though. I was going to run the 800, but Coach switched me into the 1500 and I WANTED TO MURDER HIM in the nicest way possible. Look, I am slow. I can DO 1500, but I can't do it quickly without killing my already-sick self.

So I ended up doing it. I'm pretty sure I was lapped at least once.... It was embarrassing. I had some mantras, though:

Kill Coach, Kill Coach, Kill Coach
Never again, Never again, Never again
FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU

That last one was because I distinctly heard Olivia and some other voices cheering for me. I think Coach saw me mouthing Fuck You. He later thanked me for taking one for the team. Yeah, well. I didn't have much of a choice.

Olivia is good. I like her. Sometimes, the things she says annoy me (100% because she likes to get condescending) but mostly, she's really nice. I have discovered I am not the most emotionally open person, though. Olivia always tells me to have a good day and she's into touching people and I'm???

I dunno. I am not one to really show my affection. Actually, I'm the kind of person who will run faaaaar the fuck away from you if I discover that I actually care. I'm stupid that way. Brock would refer to that as my "patterns". Yeah, well fuck you, Brock. You're right in your own cheesy ass way.

Can you tell I'm kind of angry today??

I want to show people I care, though!!! I don't want them to be confused as to whether or not I love them!!! I would list the people I love here but I'm very afraid they don't love me back. So I wont. I have learned nothing and failed to grow as a person.

*is deeply disappointed in self* *does nothing to fix it* *is even more disappointed* *shrugs*

Someone thought I was a lesbian this week. I don't want a lot of people to think that, honestly, because it makes it kind of hard to attract boys. That's not my ultimate life goal or anything, but still, it'd be nice to have someone.

I missed a Roy G Biv meeting today. I felt so bad. Sorry, Brock. I FEEL LIKE I'M MISSING EVERYTHING. I don't have time for anything and now I'm sick, so I don't have the energy to even do my homework -_-

Oh! The new co-Coach (we have a guy coach and a girl coach, but our old girl coach moved away, so) is really nice. I like her a lot. I actually feel like she believes in me, despite how horrible I am at track, which is a nice change from the way I feel around Man Coach.

Despite being stressed and worried about my dog, who still won't eat very much and is peeing a lot, I am actually kind of happy.

Oh! I talked about Elise in Peer Leadership, but it was super brief. It was during a session with another Roy G Biv captain and depressed-hispanic-kid. I just wanted to get a little bit off my chest, that's it. It didn't really matter who I was talking to. Still, I'm glad I got paired with them.

At some point, my lip was trembling and I had to put my head down and chill. That was kind of embarrassing. Again, I'm not the most emotionally open person. I could talk for days about WHY I am not emotionally open, but it's exhausting and I'm sick. So maybe another time. Unless no one cares. I'm sure I've spoken about it before. God, if only I could write essays about myself. As horribly self-centered as this sounds, I have so much to say about me.

:) :) :) :)

These smiley faces look especially happy. I enjoy this (I put four so they could fall in love with each other and go on a couples date and be friends forever).

Depressed-hispanic-kid's session was pretty heavy, too. I'm not going to write about the specifics because I always feel like that's "violating confidentiality" so yeah. Anyway, I hope he's okay. Like, damn. That's a lot to go through (Peer Leadership's subject was Relationships and Goodbyes, which is why everything was kind of sad).

If only I could've hugged him and said, "Just let it out, caramel bear."

GODDAMNIT, I'VE BEEN WATCHING TOO MUCH SCRUBS.

He hugged me later, though, so yay. Actually, I got a lot of hugs. I had a migraine, though, so I couldn't fully appreciate their glory and that was sad.

Okay, so< I feel kind of better now. My fever headache has become less annoying but I think I'm going to lie down and watch more Netflix. Or do homework.

*sigh*

Have a good day. Let me know if you have a story.

PS:

Had a nightmare. Was being chased??? That's normal. Later, I had a dream that I went to go read Elise's diary and they deleted it. I remember feeling so angry and helpless. I tried contacting the diary people but they wouldn't get back to me quickly enough and... ugh, it just sucked


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