undecided

i am who i am!
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2015-05-05 00:00:00 (UTC)

what i am today.

There are points where i forget about this diary. I don't go on it often, and that's okay because i do it on purpose , i love knowing that its still here and that at any moment i can relive what ive endured whether good or bad , i love to write about event that should be mentioned i leave a lot of details out which is because i don't have time to write the full story and one day i would love to go back and read the rerun of this, i began this online diary at age 12 and now i am 15 years old going on to 16 in 5 months and i want to rewrite everything that i have endure with guys,friends,family and myself so here it goes.

2012-
I recently became best friends with this guy named Alonso Quezada and we have gotten so close we say the funniest things to each other like this thing we made up called flurtle which is a flying purple turtle stupid huh? lol we have been hanging out everyday too in the morning and we act so childish we just stand inside the waiting room till we are kicked out by the security , we never speak much because for some reason its awkward to talk in person between us but over messages? we spend hours non stop talking about anything we both love Eminem , he showed me the song space-bound by Eminem and i feel like its about me, i am developing strong feelings for him and its something very deep / we don't care much even if we were just standing not speaking a word but yet knowing that each others presence is there is all we need to feel complete..well to me its all i need i told him how i felt and he said he felt the same way with me and we began going out on 10/23/12 ..wow was it magical not only because it was my first boyfriend but because i finally felt loved .. i felt what it was to smile with it being real..i felt what it was to not be alone ..we kissed too and it was the dumbest thing ever ..i kissed him on the stairs an we were going up it and it was such an awkward kiss that i just cant believe that was my first kiss ! his lips were soft but rough and we held it for a small peck ,we talked about all our fears an all our dreams it was so magical ,his mom saw us kiss one and up to this day 5/5/15 she yet does not like me and i hope one day i get to apologize for whatever it is i did to her ,5 months into the relationship on 4/3/13 he broke up with me. Yes it was the most worst thing i thought would happen and no it was the worst. i didn't feel alive anymore..i dint feel like i matter whatsoever he made me feel some type of way that i cannot explain it was like as if i was the only person to him. like i was his queen his world like he would say, i longed for the days that he held me tight an told me everything would be alright , the moments that i would hear his laugh again.. feel the warmth of his hug's , the moment to feel his hands carres my body once more an the day to hear i love you.

2013-after the break up i began dating this other guy named Adrian Jaime's it was a little fling nothing really because it only lasted a month? i don't recall much of it but i do recall that we went to the movies and we kissed a lot. we broke up. i broke up with him because we didn't even talk at all and he liked other girls? so i felt like it was going no where and decided for it to come to an end up to this point i have no connection with him then this kid name Alejandro Paredes came into my life and yes he was Alonsos friend an yes i thought about it a lot but i was hurt and what more can i do , i felt vulnerable and i felt like i wasn't worth shit and this guy came in my world and made me feel like i was worth something, and he made me believe in love again an we began dating and we broke up after 3 months with him thought it was different than the whole relationship with alonso / him and i hung out,took pictures,held hands, kissed a lot like wayyyyyyy more..because of him i had my suicide atempt i knooowww stupidest thing ever!!! and i hate myself for it and i beg for forgiveness ..one day my parents caught us kissing and well i got into big trouble and my parents wanted me to break up with him and i dint want to so i decided to overdose i took like 20 pills and i woke up throwing up and was taken to the hospital they never did find out what happened they just figured that i was sick because of something i ate and i hope they do not fin out because i have also cut myself plenty and i smoked once in a while because of the breakup with alonso ..yes every breakup has different ways of dealing with and since it was my first breakup i took it to the extreme because i had no experience or guidance to it and now that i am older i realize what i did was wrong and i regret it to the fullest because its something that isn't a joke it is a life we are talking about.. and giving up on it would be the worst mistake i would ever commit

2014-I began going to a new school Named UNO Soccer Academy and it was honestly one of the best experiences i have had in my life i met so many amazing people there , i began dating another guy name Miguel Alvarez what can i say but HOBIT , hopefully in a few years i can remember what i meant but yeah we dated 11'10'13 hes a cutie to me an will always be ik why but our story will never end for some reason even when we are with someone we continue to talk as if we never stopped he tells me he loves me up to this day , we broke up because as we were dating he married another girl on fb without telling me he told me later on that he had a life before us so i told him to get it and that was that afterwards his befriend which is now my best friend tol me that he wants me back but at that moment i was with this other guy named Henry florenciani and we began dating January 25th 2014 and yes its been a year and 2 months , i know that today would mark up 3 months but right now we are not currently together . why? because i have grown tired of all this arguing of being hurt , don't get me wrong i know ive hurt him as well but not as much as he has hurt me..he hit me once in the head and that's when i decided to give us a break because i couldn't let myself be treated like that and during that break Miguel and i began reconnecting and we were flirting and henry still ha my password an he saw what we said an that's when we broke up because of it we were over for one day and it was the worst i have felt and dealt i couldn't take it i felt so different i hate what ive done i hated it so much because i ruined a lot of trust .. we talked on the phone and i kept pleading for him not to forgive me because no lie i fucked up and it was my fault and i felt as if i never deserve a second chance but he yet gave it to me .. we would argue a lot yes but it never came to a point like this .. another ba thing that happened was when he wanted to ask this one other girl to the luncheon like who does that? even if you are with someone you just dont do thattt you cant its not right. the worst thing he has done to me was when we were siting down on the stairs an we were talking as we always do and we were leaving an..he then..shove his hand at me in my private place.. i didn't like that so i yelled whats your problem??? that honestly made me feel like i was nothing..like i was an object to him and object that he could do whatever he wanted and at points i know that's what he want he wants to touch me an its not that i dont want to o things but its not always on my min like his we have had "The Talk" but im not ready i am only 15 and i am scared of what will happen..what if i get pregnant i just cant do that.. i want to do me i want to show my parents i can do more than have a belly in high school . henry has lied to me so much that i dont know what to believe anymore i miss the times he said i love you and i felt as if it was true as if he had nothing to hide from me.. i feel so stupid in forgiving him so much in falling for his lies in getting hurt and knowing that i am but i o nothing about it?i wonder why it is that we let ourselves be hurt and this is why im scared to love because at a point it all comes to and end! nothing ever stays gold as the famous poem that robert frost wrote there are points when we as people dont know what to feel anymore..or what it is we want an will achieve and no one will ever give us to these questions that are intentionally left unanswered for one specific reason : we cant ever understand why we do the things we do until we realize we have done them and as we do them it would be because we just felt as if it was right but sometimes not everything can be done right sometimes we need to commit mistakes in order to endure what it is we will have to in life it is such a scary thing because at a point we feel infinite.. an the next our world is crumbling down and we are barely experiencing what life has to offer us so yes i am a girl who has had a various numbers of boyfriends an yes i have cried over boys and yes i have done things i should have never done but i am human . i am not perfect and i should not try to be as no one should because no one is mightier than the one an only who protects us an loves us more that anyone GOD. we cannot control they things we do in life because even though we might think its wrong we still act on them and that okay because nothing ever last whether good things and bad things in life. so i ont know where i m going to be when i re read this but one thing i have learned is that where you are right now is not where you will end maybe you are happy right now ,an if thats the case enojy it as much as you can and o all you can to hold onto it, if you are in a bad place because you have commited something you shouldnt have done well it wont last youll get through this or the case may be that you need a little encouragement so know that you are not alone there are a lot of people who love you and you shouldn't just give up because its not worth it your worth a million stars plus more.


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