LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2015-05-03 11:05:05 (UTC)

Conversations With You

"Out of the Scenery" by Dominique Fricot [pretty as hell, although it sounds like the kind of song I'm going to get sick of in a couple days]

Cold heart
Why can't you hear me
I'm sorry for leaving
Neglecting your feelings

Out of the scenery

May 3, 2015 Sunday 1:11 PM


Are you good at telling stories? Will you tell me a story? I like reading things that make me cry. Y'know, lots of death and destruction and emotion. I like romance, too. Also, fantasy things. One of my favorite books did some weird things with the environment. For example, cow meat was blue??? (it was a different planet). I like those little things, though. Also, I like to be afraid.

I don't know how I feel, today. Sad and happy, which is most days for me lately. Sad because Elise is always on my mind and happy because it's a super pretty day and I want to wander around the forest in a flow-y dress and combat boots.

Ugh, I have an essay I'm avoiding. I should go do that.

Also, my parents aren't home (they went to go hike at a lake with my doggy, April) so I can sing!!! Yes!!!

Later.


2:12 PM


I get defensive when I say I'm fine and people don't believe me. Even if I weren't okay, I probably wouldn't tell you. Not that you're not trustworthy or anything, but I mean, I just wouldn't. It's been my way for awhile now.

I feel guilty when I tell people I feel crappy. Like, it's fine when I mention I'm stressed out or tired, but I don't love saying that I'm annoyed or depressed.

I don't want my humans worrying about me, especially when I know it's something that will pass. Why cause unnecessary pain?

I'm always going through moods, too, where everything is ugly and horrible and out to murder me in my sleep. This happens all the time and I don't trust that you won't get irritated with it.

(UGH TODAY IS SO GODDAMN BEAUTIFUL, I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO EXPLODE)

Expect this entry to be a bunch of things that don't connect to each other. I'm all over the place today.

Still avoiding that essay.

OH, I DECIDED TO LOOK UP JOURNAL TOPICS BECAUSE why not.

Places You've Enjoyed Visiting (I travel a lot, thanks to my restless dad, so this list will be long. We're not rich and my parents complain about money problems a lot, but I like to think we're pretty secure and that's nice):

- I love Death Valley. I went there when I was 10 years old. I lived in California at the time, so it wasn't super far away. The sky was definitely not dark. Plus, the night was so warm and beautiful. We camped out in the desert and stared at the stars. God, they were beautiful. You can barely see any here.

- We went to the Grand Canyon on that same trip (6 years ago???). It was kind of lame because even though it was April, it started snowing about a day after we got there. It was also REALLY, REALLY fucking windy. The Grand Canyon itself was kind of boring to me. It's impressive and stuff but I was 10 and so all I was thinking was, "Hoorah, there's a giant fucking crack in the ground. For some reason, people find this interesting, let's go stare at it"

I mean, I guess the view was awesome, but I remember being very unimpressed.

When we were leaving the campground, we stopped at this Flintstones Amusement Park. No one was there because it was snowy and windy so my sister and I basically had the whole place to ourself. My hat kept flying off because of the wind and we would chase it for, like, fifty feet. There were no rides, just a large, life-size replica of the Flintstones village. I never watched that show, so I don't know. God, that was a great day, haha.

- Last year, we went to Yosemite and Mono Lake and it was fucking gorgeous. That big fire started as we were leaving, though. Plus, I got to hang out with Daxton (my cousin) and I love him.

- We saw a giant tree in South Carolina. That was great. There's a picture of me standing near it on my facebook page.

- We went to Key West!!! I got to snorkel over a reef thingy!!! I almost had a panic attack, though, because the ocean really freaks me out because of how strong it is. I have a fear of drowning. Even worse, I have a fear of being stuck in the ocean by myself.

- Nicaragua, my mom's country!!! My family is there and of course, I love them. I also remember exploring a lot. Being there as a kid was so much fun. I haven't been there in like four years, though. The tickets are really expensive.

-Maine. Maine was very pretty. We were on an island off the coast and it was so amazing.

-Yellowstone was cool, but I can't remember very clearly

- I THINK I WENT TO Santa Monica??? Santa something. It was very tourist-y, which I hate, but it was so beautiful and I spent all day in a beachside amusement park. How will I ever settle down?

Okay, later, friend.

Essay time.


4:43 PM

I am like 1/4 of the way through my essay. Gosh, this is torturous. WHY AM I SO SLOW??? I've half using Spark Notes and everything (I forgot the book I'm writing about at school so... I have no choice).

I HATE ESSAYS, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY HAVE TO DO WITH SUBJECTS I DO NOT CARE ABOUT. I just can't concentrate. My thoughts, they don't connect to one another. I feel like I can't see what I'm writing. Do you like essays?

Fuck, my head has been hurting for like four hours and I feel kind of nauseas. Body, you are disappointing me. SHAPE UP. Freckles on my leg make an obtuse triangle.


8:27 PM

I wish I thought heaven was real. I feel like I'd be more comforted if I thought any of this meant something.

Maybe that's not true, though. I'm comforted by how insignificant we are. Some people aren't and yeah, it can feel cold, but at least I know all this energy and sorrow will eventually stop existing.


8:44 PM

Just talked with my dad about the universe. I said, "Do you think this has happened before? I mean, do you think the universe will collapse in on itself only to start expanding again?"

He said, "First of all, there is no 'before'. Time began with the universe."

We talked some more, and it ended with me frustrated, because I can't think outside of the constructs of time. The way I think is cause and effect, reasons for reasons. But if there is no time, there doesn't necessarily have to be a cause or an effect. UGH. That's annoying and I hate how I can't even begin to imagine that. It makes no sense to me. I want to know how everything came to be. How can something exist without reason? How is there no cause????

God. It fascinates me. If I talk about it too long, I get stressed out, but I like it.

I want to dance and catch fireflies.

I've been looking forward to summer. I hope I actually do something. I want to buy some weed from Sam but I DON'T WANT TO SMOKE WITH HER BECAUSE SHE'S SUCH A STRESSFUL PERSON. Ugh. I just want to smoke a couple times. It would be lame if I were high all summer. Plus, smoking makes me feel shitty afterwards. All dull and stupid. Still, I wanna do it because it's kind of fun and weed doesn't have a lot of horrible effects. I wonder if I'd ever do other drugs? Mmm probably not. Unless I was absolutely sure I was safe. I'm paranoid and I don't want to die, haha.

I remember I had a session (Peer Leadership term, sorry) with depressed-hispanic-kid (hey! he was in my dream last night for some reason. I think it's because I had a short conversation with him last week) awhile back and he was talking about all these different pills he'd tried. I think I remember him saying, "Well, if you ever want to try it..."

I wonder what made him try all this stuff. Maybe he's just reckless.

Have you done any drugs? What were they like for you?

What do your hands look like? Mine are kind of stubby. They're useful as hell and really strong, but are more like old tools than anything else.

I mean, they're always warm (last year, they were always cold. Wonder what happened?) and they get clammy and are kind of fat. Sausage fingers. It's alright, though. I love them.

I am in such a weird mood.

I really hope you're okay. Let's continue this conversation tomorrow.



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