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2015-05-02 18:15:01 (UTC)


"Palms" by Local Natives [goddd, this song is gorgeous. I keep singing along and it goes very well with my voice, it's nice]

Leaving to escape
Windmills on the southern plain
Hum your name

49 palms muddled over my words
Wait for more

Sleep alone
Start all over

May 2, 2015 Saturday 6:18 PM

I get so confused because I love my dad, but I really don't like him. My heart isn't in this entry because when I was really angry, he made me do chores, so I couldn't capture the feelings :(

All I know is that sometimes, it really feels like I hate him. Mostly because my number one pet peeve is when someone makes me feel like I'm less than them. I'm sure my dad doesn't mean to act that way, but he does. Also, it feels like he never thinks about other people's feelings. Ugh. It's annoying. I really love him, but I can't be around him because I end up saying really rude things and that makes me ashamed of myself.

Today was okay. It was better earlier. I am just so lethargic. It's very annoying. I woke up at like 10:30 but stayed in bed until noon because my dreams were kinda sexy and I wanted to fall back asleep (why am I always kind of gay in my dreams?).

I ate pizza for breakfast and was going to go out jogging but after I took a shower and did some sudoku, I just got really tired for no reason and didn't want to do anything anymore. So I started reading Elise's writing again (I really want to know where she got her writing prompts) and listening to music. Then, I walked by dog in the cemetery, took a photo of some bugs having sex in the cemetery and sent it to my friends ('twas a bug threesome).

I was subtly trying to spy on this one dude I saw in the cemetery. He walked up to a tree and then kind of stood behind it for a few seconds with his hands near his crotch (maybe he was trying to pull up the zipper?) and yeah.

I feel so laaazyyy. My momma just asked me to help with dinner but I just want to lie down forever. I'm so tired. And I have no patience. Words don't come easily today.

PS: I should probably go back on antidepressants, so I'll finally have some energy. Maybe it'll block out all my existential thoughts. Too much, "Why?" in my head. Too much hating how quickly time goes and how everything I've already done is too far away to touch. Too much.
I've been thinking about this for like two months, but I still haven't come to a conclusion because on one hand, I don't want to be dependent on medication and on the other hand, it's hard to relax when you can't make yourself do anything ever.

PPS: I'm still reading Elise's entries and god, she's so cute!!!! I want to keep going but it makes me kind of sad, which is lame. A lot of the time, it's almost like it used to be. Like I'm doing the thing where I don't talk to anyone for awhile. Yeah, it's almost like that: I think about Elise and she's alive. I used to do that alllll the time. Only, I wouldn't talk to her for a lot of reasons I don't want to get into. This moment feels like one of those long breaks. In the back of my mind, I know this break will never end. I can say, "hello!" all I want, I just won't get an answer.

Why am I so sleepy all the time? I'm pretty sure none of this makes sense because I am so goddamn tired.

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