LustingforNightmares

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2015-04-27 19:19:16 (UTC)

Cheese Stuffed Crust Pizza


"Cry Like A Ghost" by Passion Pit

But as my body crumbled, you walked as I just stumble
We spoke only of things made in my head.
You never once controlled me, what all the others told me
But if I kept on going I'd be dead.

It's not just you that they blame
Now tell me where they keep the rain.

Silvia, right back where you came from,
You're a pendulum, heartbroken in number.
Silvia, no one's gonna tell you when enough's enough
Enough's always too tough.


April 27, 2015 Monday 7:41 PM


Practice was really hard today, especially because I've had an odd headache all day. My dad has been sick for a week, and I think he passed it onto me, so my head is growing a fever and my throat is getting sore. It's lovely.

*sneeze*

Mehhhh, I hate being sicky. I wouldn't mind so much if I didn't have so much work this week. If I do happen to get a fever, I'm still going to school tomorrow (Olympics of the Visual Arts is on Thursday. Recap: Laney and I have been working on our OVA project for 5 months and it would fucking suck if it didn't get done in time, especially since it's pretty damn great, maybe lacking creativity, but eh).

Some news concerning my body: my period stopped and my body isn't doing the pain thing anymore. So that's nice. I was worried because I've never really felt pain during periods. I've heard that they only get worse as you get older, though, so maybe that's it.

I HAD CHEESE STUFFED CRUST PIZZA AND IT WAS DELICIOUS (unimportant, yes, but whatever).

Also, I woke up at 4 or 5 am last night and it was annoying. I couldn't get back to sleep for awhile so I just started thinking about sex because anything else would have kept me awake (meaning they're too stressful, you feel). I then kind of had a sex dream but it didn't last very long and that was disappointing. Sleepy self got distracted.

I don't really want to talk about what I want to talk about and that confuses me.

I think I'll go take some NyQuil and pass out because I... am a little bit dead.

I've been in a wonderful mood, though. You can probably tell by talking to me. I'm just verrry bubbly today. I almost died laughing with Alexis (hopin' that's her code name) today because she used to be a hardcore Directioner and I can't get over that.

I was thinking about it and I don't remember having any particularly embarrassing phases. One time, I tried being popular (5th grade) so... that was embarrassing and also shitty, because I would talk about people behind their back. I had a huge Doctor Who obsession (David Tennant, yes) in 8th grade but that wasn't so much embarrassing as it was pathetic.

I mean, yeah, it was kind of funny, but... I was mostly just insane. I remember being really desperate to go somewhere, anywhere, so I'd try and convince myself he was going to come rescue me. Ehhhhh, that's not normal. Still, that doesn't really embarrass me, except for the time my dad found DOCTOR I'M WAITING written on the mirror... that was weird haha.

I just really like stories!!! That's why I get so emotionally invested in books and shows!!! It's beautiful.

LILY IS READING ONE OF MY FAVORITE BOOKS, THE KNIFE OF NEVER LETTING GO, AND I'M SO HAPPY. PATRICK NESS IS A BEAUTIFUL WRITER.

Hey, is now a good time for a list? Hell yeah.

FAVORITE BOOKS:


Chaos Walking Trilogy (Knife of Never Letting Go) by Patrick Ness

Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling

Slaughterhouse-five by Kurt Vonnegut (also, I love Cat's Cradle)

Percy Jackson series by Rick Riordan (what? I like fantasy novels... also, Rick Riordan totally sucks now. I wonder if a ghost writer does all his work now?)

Catcher In The Rye by J.D. Salinger (heard Salinger was kind of a major asshole. A lot of people complain that Holden Caulfield is really whiny but, to be honest, I think this is a great representation of how a depressed person thinks. I hate parts of him, but I also like how he saw the world)

John Dies At The End by David Wong (gory as fuck, almost doesn't make sense, what's not to love?)

When You Reach Me by Rebecca Stead (THIS BOOK IS SO CUTE)

I kind of also really liked Ham On Rye by Charles Bukowski, but I don't think about it a lot, which is my most basic requirement for favorite books.

Goodnight.

PS: it's so weird when someone talks to me about an entry I wrote. I never know what to say. They have this whole theory in their head about what I meant and I... don't.

I mean, I do. Part of me knows. The rest just wanted it the fuck out of system.

And I don't like coming right out and saying what I meant. The whole point of writing the entries the way I sometimes do is to avoid saying what I mean in a clear way, haha. Because often, the words I have are too clear, anyway. They make too much sense to really capture what I'm trying to get at, so I don't know, I think around it. ????

OKAY. Here is a simple way to put it:

Sometimes, my entries do not make sense. They seem like the ramblings of an old lady with dementia. Here is why:

I am often confused by the things I feel. Confused because I don't know why they're there.

(PAUSE: my doggy is twitching in her sleep and I thought you should know. it's cute. oh, now it's bordering on scary. her eyes have rolled up into her head, the way they do when she's asleep, and her twitches are sometimes really weird and creepy.)

Because I cannot explain my feelings to myself, I cannot accurately write about them. Hence all the cryptic-ness.

Does that make anything clearer?

Anyway, you can give me your opinions on my writing but I don't want to reply. It hurts my head too much. Yeah.


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