All that is
So it happened. He had sex with me. Like I knew he would. I tried to prolong it though. I think I tried anyway. After a burger dinner at byron on a friday night, in Hoxton (quel suprise!) we walked back to his. once again. I don't know how it got to that point. My plan was this, if he made me come to his neck of the woods (east), I would NOT go home with him. He'd not had sex with me since the beginning of April, and even though I was now back, I would deprive him of it further still. But that wasn't the case. I was irritated before, during and after dinner I don't know how he didn't notice. He just carried on talking like normal. Or is my disposition so frequently like that, that he just thinks it's me having a quiet stint? I was irritated before dinner because I, once again was meeting him in east for burgers. i was irritated during dinner because he wouldn't take notice of my irritation (although if he had taken notice of it, "babe, what's wrong you've been quiet all evening..?" I would no doubt have said something like "nothing, I'm just tired", and carried on with my stoic irritation. I admit, I'm an irrational one. Sin sentido!), and then I became incessantly irritated after dinner because before we met up that evening, i suggested that we go somewhere central. By central I didn't actually mean central - i don't give a fuck where we go, as long as it's something different and fun - something that's not an average food joint, or dinner at his and music vids that make me want to scream. However when i suggested this, his response was "I had plans for us in East but now I'm taking a bus into central" My first thought was "bullshit you had plans" - if you'd arranged anything you'd have mentioned it, and I'd be intersted in knowing what these 'plans' were. Secondly - it's already time to meet so why the fuck are you taking a bus that'll take 45 mins. why not just grab a fucking tube that'll take 15? Which brings me onto another thing - his over-frugalness with money. I can't comprehend it. Like when I'm into someone i want to spend out on them, whether or not I have the means to. gifts, little food surprises, bringing them stuff when I know they're hungry, fave foods, pampering etc. whereas since I've known him other than paying for dinners here and there, he's never once surprised me with anything - not a present, not a little cuddly toy, not a surprise meal, not a getaway (unless you count that vibrator he got me early days, but then again isn't that really for his own enjoyment?). And I in turn have stopped doing so - I didn't feel like any of it was appreciated. I read some literature that said that when you want your partner to do something, you have to lead by example. which is something I've done naturally but then also consciously, to no avail. Before when I went out to buy food or to shop or anything, I would see everything that I wanted but I would also see everything that he liked. Now, I don't. It doesn't even enter my mind. I've become more selfish. He talks about this five langs of love concept whereby everybody has a way in which they communicate their love to their partner. It could be through talking, it could be gift-giving, it could be through touch... . He's said that the thinks his is 'Acts of service' and touch'. But honestly, I don't see it. Show me touch? where? when? He doesn't touch me unless we're alone where it can be a prelude to something more physical should he feel like it. Yesterday a prime example. We were with some of this friends - people I haven't met before. I felt really disjointed from him - disconnected. I didn't feel close to him at all. Hearing him call my name sounded strange to my ears, it felt like every time he used my name in a sentence - to ask a question, or ask if i had any preferences for music, it was pre-prepared - a brief interlude in the script for his sales performance. It sounded unnatural to me (and I believe it was) and the knowledge of this would make me cringe.
But as I say, I was irritated mostly because after I asked him on our walk after dinner 'what plans he said he had for us', he said "Yea I meant dinner plans..." whereas before he made it seem as though he'd planned shit for us to do but I spoiled those plans by insisting on central london. Whereas these "plans" which he referred to all along was just to go have burgers somewhere close and convenient for him. He does that a lot. attempts to weave narratives around situations to make them seem as though it played out just as he'd intended. DOn't know if that's put right.
So we're now walking to his place and i'm irritated. he's oblivious. we go on about my recent trip to colombia and how brian still couldnt believe i went, and how i was 'so determined to go somewhere dangerous'. This fired me up cos (a) it was brian and he's the last person I'd look to for travel advice given that he has as much cultural, social or political engagement as a beetroot.
We arrive back at his. yay. long and short we go to bed. he puts the moves on me, I can feel that he's excited. He starts touching me. But I'm no longer there. I transport my mind onto a beach in santa marta, where I'm with nata. "...como nosotros" i think about the sound of nata's voice and the playful look on his face whenever he said that. I think of how he called me 'mamii' "...vamos, mammiii!" i think of his fingers in my underwear, the size of him, how much wetness there was when i felt the length of him - his wetness - it had run down his shaft, covering the base, his body. And i became wet thinking about all this. charles had one finger on me, and I had another on myself. i touched myself and i got off thinking of nata. charles, bless him, thinking all of my excitement was his own doing, whispers in my ear "I love it when you get it wet for me like that..." Yes, charles. it's all for you.
I've become that girl. up at almost 5am bitching about her boyfriend.
I just feel a strange sense of resentment towards him that I'm still trying to understand. where has it come from all of a sudden. I ddin't feel this way pre-colombia. Or is this the result of feelings I've repressed over the past few months, only now surfacing because of colombia? My more selfishly-inclined, 'don't give a fuck' mental state has triggered this?
Oh and something else has dawned on me. I'm not going on any long-term contraception for as long as i feel this way about him. not for him.
Fuck why do i feel so much vitriol? I'm the one who fucked another guy. I had a crazy thought while smoking yesterday with them. I looked at charles while he was on his phone and i saw a 'Monica' on his whatsapp - someone had sent him a pic of her tattoo - i could see it on the whatsapp convo trail. and with the dope, my mind went wild. The idea that he'd be cheating totally made sense, I thought. Of course he was. how could i not see it before? i thought. plus he's so guarded with his phone. and when we were outside, he kept doing like he was on google maps but when i pulled away for a few seconds and came back to him i saw his screen switch back from whatsapp to google maps. he did it so quickly i could barely catch it, then looked at me. not sure if it was just him organising the next part of the evening or what. but he's super quick fingered at it. then there was the whole thing about him not wanting to add me on fcbk. plus he never leaves his phone alone around me. he always has it with him, on him, takes it to the bathroom in his own flat. He we Fuck i don't know. Or is it just that thing they call 'cheater's suspicion'. There's actually no such thing by that name but I bet there is if I googled it. then after 10 ins or so it seemed crazy that i'd be thinking that. you do tend to skew things in your mind when you're faded.
Here's what i'll do. I'll find a way to look in his mob. his whatsapp probs has a password knowing him though. He has 6 condoms the last time in checked. any less than six then I'll know something isn't right.
Also he insisted that I show him pics of colombia. from my phone. all of them, and i did. he was really insistent too - and nearly got upset as in he was going to make it a thing when i kept changing the subject (about that - i still had photos of me and juan, post sex on my phone so there was no way i could have done it impromptu like that), but then he hasn't even shown me pics of his amsterdam trip. I haven't asked to see them, but one would think that being so keen to see my holiday pics, showing pics of your own getaway is something that you'd naturally do, no?
I'm obviously projecting my guilty actions onto him though but now i come to think about it, I'm really lax. maybe i should be a bit more on it in terms of knowing what he does when i'm not there.
Fuck i sound crazy. i literally don't recognise this person talking.