LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2015-04-26 18:44:36 (UTC)

Very, Very Okay!!!


"Intervention" by Arcade Fire

Working for the church while my family dies
You're little baby sister's gonna lose her mind
Every spark of friendship and love will die without a home
Hear the soldier groan all quiet and alone

I can taste your fear
It's gonna lift you up and take you out of here
If the bone shot never heals
I cannot make him yield

You can't find me now
But they're gonna get their money back somehow
And when you finally disappear
They'll just say you were never here

[This is about the thousandth time I've almost written February, my god]
April, 26 2015 Sunday 6:57 PM

"And when you finally disappear, they'll just say you were never here," I inject too much personal meaning into lyrics.

I am very, very okay!!! I think that equals happy, but the word just doesn't feel right. Not because I'm not...y'know, happy... but because it's soooo empty. I prefer the word "okay". It's lukewarm, and then you add the "very"s and it becomes happier than happiness itself. Okay. I shall be quiet now.

THINGS THAT MAKE MY LUNGS FILL UP:

My daddy threw me a surprise party. This was on Thursday. I forget that he loves me, sometimes. Who am I kidding? No, I don't. I forget that I love HIM sometimes, just because it's difficult to have a serious conversation with him at times.

Anyway, even though I asked him not to throw me a party/get-together (I do not love surprises involving other human beings and I don't love the stress of having people in my house), he did. I was kind of mad at first because I was missing Elise a lot that day and I kind of just wanted to be alone, so that was annoying, but the gesture really meant a lot to me. Plus, my friends were really nice to be around when I felt so crappy.

LILY AND LANEY (I know I say this whenever I bring them up, but they are my two closest friendly friends. I've known Lily most of my life and Laney, too, but we weren't friends until middle school... ANYWAY, they own a small baking business, subsidized by their parents, and I am so fucking proud of how good they are) MADE ME HARRY POTTER THEMED CUPCAKES.

WELL, TRUTHFULLY, THEY WERE MIXED FANDOMS. THE LIL CUPCAKE HOLDER PAPERS WERE DALEKS (doctor Who) AND MY RAVENCLAW CUPCAKE HAD A DALEK HEAD ON IT BUT WHATEVER. THE REST HAD GLASSES AND LIGHTNING BOLTS AND DIFFERENT HOUSE COLORS. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL (Ravenclaw was my favorite because the colors are blue and bronze and they even got THAT right... it was awesome. bless Lily for being in my fandoms).

QUICK LILY APPRECIATION: She watched Buffy for me. She watched seven, heartbreaking seasons BECAUSE I WOULDN'T LEAVE HER ALONE. I love her. All hail the Lily.

QUICK LANEY APPRECIATION: She's watching Scrubs??? (can you tell that shows mean a lot to me? Well, it's really the stories and the style and the fact that it's PURE ART okay) I love Scrubs!! I'm watching all the seasons for a third time. Well, except for the 9th season because it's basically a spinoff of the first 8 seasons. I fucking hate the 9th season. Ugh. Ruined a beautiful ending... AnYWAY, THE SHOW IS ONE OF MY FAVORITES

QUICK YOU APPRECIATION (which one of you? you shall never know): I LIKE YOU A LOT??? You're super nice and say interesting things. Don't get bored of me yet. Tell me everything before that happens, pleaseeee.

(I'm pretty sure I just went to the bathroom but I really have to pee)

I just really love people and don't have the time to kiss everyone on the cheek for existing.

I know it's weird for me to be feeling this way, seeing as how yesterday I wanted to become bones and nothing more. Eh, I was stressed and sad and thinking about Elise. Not in the nice way, either. I kept feeling like she was never here and god, I hate that.

Speaking of her, I suggested her diary to Olivia. I have mixed feelings about doing this.

I'm... kind of protective of anything that I have that preserves her memory, and at the same time, I want to share it with everyone. I want to share HER with everyone, more accurately.

I don't know if she would have liked that. Maybe not.

The thing is, Olivia is going through some stuff that I can't help her with. Only a doctor can. She reminds me of myself a couple years ago and it's insanely frustrating. I want to shake her to death or hold her in my arms until she stops crying. I want to shove my "wisdom" down her throat. I have to stop myself from being THAT asshole, haha. Even then, I'm only half restraining myself. I still kind of boss her around. I suck.

it's just that she's so self-pitying! It's always, "poor me, oh no!"

I wanted her to read Elise's diary so that she could become inspired to be more positive (says the girl who pretty much collapses in on herself once a week). I'm so worried she won't appreciate her enough!!!

As much as I shouldn't be focusing on this kind of stuff, I really want a boyfriend. I'm 16 and have never properly dated a guy. It's very annoying. I'm okay looking and I have a nice personality. Plus, I'm curious as hell which means certain things may happen that'd I'd be okay with. More than OK with. Perhaps eager. It's fucking frustrating, is what it is.

Goodnight. Sorry this wasn't quality entertainment. Also, the weather has been really fuckin' cold. I had a track meet yesterday and wasted 6 hours there and only ran a total of 3/4 miles. Whatever, it was fun to spend time with my team mates.

I hope everyone feels alright. You deserve to.

PS: Olivia just sent me an email that said: "Also at the meet I was looking at your calves when you were warming up and they looked so rigid and defined papa wasn't lying when she said you have nice calves lol"

(Papa is a friend of our's, her name on here is Alexis?? I think?? I've actually avoided mentioning her for about 3 months because I can't remember her codename, haha)

I replied, "rigid and defined, just what every girl wants to hear hahaha"

I was kidding but was still pretty flattered. Thank you, calves, for looking nice.

PPS:

Ugh!!! I keep forgetting to add things. On my birthday, I went on a field trip to a couple art museums for Art Club (run by Mr. Sandwich). At the Andy Warhol exhibit (he had so many cool, creepy drawings and I spent so much time watching a test video of Twiggy. She's beautiful), there was a table where you could make your own book out of a piece of paper.

Anyway, I made a small book and wrote about Elise a lil bit. I hung the book where the rest are. Strawberries.

The other museum was really nice (it was in Massachusetts). IT HAD THE COOLEST DARK AREA WHERE A WHITE TREE WAS PROJECTED ONTO THE WALL AND A BUNCH OF BIRDS WOULOD GO FLYING AND IT SOUNDED SO LOUD AND REAL. I love art.

I felt bad, though, because Mr. Sandwich wanted to spend the day with me but he wandered off and yeah. Apparently, he wanted to brag to Ethan about us spending time together. Ahh, I love Mr. Sandwich. He's my favorite teacher.


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