A lady in the crowd
2015-04-25 04:50:09 (UTC)

I Argue with Myself.

All at once I feel a thousand jittery emotions hit me. What is this unfamiliar sensation? An unknown spectacle of courage frightens me. I'm a wounded animal who wanders every shelter but never stays. The taste of stubbornness overwhelms me. Something manages me to keep my feet still on the ground. I couldn't leave all of this behind. I couldn't abandon him. Or my friendships that have closely bounded over the previous years. All of the little things that brighten up my depressing existence. I found myself at war with my own mind.

"I won't leave this time."
"For fucks sakes who do you think you're kidding? You always wind up running."
"Not this time."
"You've said that before."
"It's different this time."
"It's simple to say on a good day. Definitely not when the sun hides behind the great storm and you've lost all hope. You're drained and tired from pulling off a fraud optimistic scheme. You're happy thoughts are long gone. Then you feel the urge of disappearing. Of becoming a stranger again. After all it's for their well being.-"
I cut my mind off as both my mind and heart said in harmony,"I have a big heart and I'll discover love. Yet I'm severely damaged. All I've ever known is hate. You're an open wound with a contagious infection. Do they know how negative you think of yourself? Hide your darkest secrets before it's too late. Get out before you ruin their lives."
"I'm trembling from weakness but I won't leave."
"I don't know but I must keep going."
"Where is this leading."
"Probably to a dangerous path."
"I'm sticking around to find out what happens."
"What if staying brings out the worst outcome?"
"Who knows. It might be the best choice I've ever made."

~Yours Truly,