All that is
It's a Friday early evening. I'm in one of my usual mind-sets. A tad scatty but definitely more hungry and more productive than that which I've been in pre-colombia. A note here - for the purposes of clarity and simplicity and flow, I'll try to organise my thoughts into two categories: Pre-Colombi and Post-Colombia. Pre-colombia max and post colombia max. Because, let's be honest now, I don't feel like the same person I did three weeks ago. What do i feel like now? or rather how do i behave now? I'm more selfish. I'm more calculating. not sure if calculating is the final word i wanna go with since it makes me sound like a psycho bitch. not only in the meaning of tthe word but in the way the word sounds in your mouth. the hard and sharp 'Ka-Ku' sounds. I give less of a fuck now. in the sense that things I once viewed as hurdles now seem solvable. I feel more cut-throat. Fuck work-ethics. When i start this new role i feel like I'm ready to do what I need to do to get where I need to get to. Does that sound harsh? a little 'frank underwood' a la house of cards? but here's the deal. I've been wayy wayyy to soft over the last 3 years. I've been way too passive. even in my aggressive searches, I've given up too quickly. I'm in a state of mind where I now feel like I'm owed something. not sure from who - maybe myself. There's a fearlessness about me now, i feel. An acute sense of dissatisfaction and some mild suspicion. Suspicious of Pam (especially after the events of SA.) We've had many fights before, but this I thought was different. I felt undermined, and deliberately made to feel unwelcome by her. And now him. I sit across from him, blatantly asking for his help. Does he not know by now that I hate asking for things? I say "so did the guy from that recruitment agency you email get back to you?" No, he replies - i haven't heard back from him in weeks. Then i try to make small talk around that - "is his company still live..." "do you think that's why he was trying to get you on board for profit? haha" then I move on to the audience. my real aim for conversation. I ask, "do you think i should email adamB" and he says "saying what? " and I say "or should I call him..." and I trail off, giving him enough time to jump in (as i would do for him) and say something along the lines of "I'll send him an email for you" as I've asked of him already. Yet he didn't. and I don't know why. My thinking is that a: maybe he doesn't want to facilitate any kind of relationship professional or not, between me and another guy, especially one so accomplished. B: it's a position he wants. but that's a stupid reason. he's fucking golden and could get any position he wanted. So there's that feeling of...don't want to say abandonment, but something similar, that's been festering. pre-colombia, i brushed it aside. post-colombia i feel slightly hurt by it. I wouldn't hesitate to do it for anyone i claimed to care about. and I don't feel as though i can ask now cos i've asked already. and why should i have to ask for that? I get I'm a little proud at times but it's something I wouldn't think twice about doing for anyone of my people.
So there. i'm feeling a sense of distrust towards him. but maybe that's just me projecting my disloyalty onto him? Let me get into it some more. I'm seeing him tonight, my boyfriend that is. I feel nervous because I know he'll try and have sex with me. I don't mean in a rapey way - he's my boyfriend we've had sex many times. But post-colombia, The thought of him trying to touch me and open the gateway for sex, seems foreign and i dare say, grosses me out and makes me cringe. He'll try to touch me and all the rest of it and I'm not sure whether i'm ready for that.
While in Colombia i fucked two guys. Well, technically one guy but there was friction of say one or two inches from one of the guys. Did i feel guilty at the time? no. Do i feel guilty now? no. Would i do it again with the same guys? yes. I'm not going to try and justify this, or look for reasons (though i know several of them exist). That said, what i also will not do is 'confess' to anyone. I feel i have nothing to confess about (...exhibit A of my post-colombia mindset). Put selfishly but honestly, I answer to no one but myself. And sometimes, God. but let's leave that there.
Since returning from Colombia two days ago, i've been feeling incredibly ambivalent about my path in life, my friendships, my 'career' and clearly most of all my 'relationship'. I've put that in quotation marks because, what really is a relationship? Especially one with him? I still feel like I haven't experienced one yet. Or is this it? Sometimes I look at him and I feel a rush of what I imagine might be love or could be described as love, tentatively. Other times, I don't feel like i have a boyfriend at all. I feel completely, single, autonomous. I don't feel as if i'm part of a 'couple'. If nobody knows you're boyfriend and girlfriend, if no body knows that your relationship exists, then can it still be called a relationship in every sense of the term? Well that's the case for him and me. only a handful of people know about us. and the majority of that handful is made up of my people. I don't know who from his team he's told. he's never once said 'I'd love to introduce you to this person or that person' I seem to exist only in his own private world, for his own pleasure, comfort and peace of mind. We see each other once a week. Weekends. I TRAVEL to east london, I COME over to his abode, I GO TO HIM. He's visited my house twice since we've known each other. twice in 7 months. He's never once said 'shall i come over to you?' only once or twice when we've argued and he'd be trying to clutch at straws, as he could tell i was upset. i feel like I give a lot, and get little back. I've even told him on a few occasions that I'm in love with him. I meant it at the time. His response the first time? "thank you so much for that". I couldn't help feeling slightly devastated at not hearing it back from him. But fear not, I got over it fast. I've become very good at doing that. I've never heard it from him. I don't expect to anytime soon. So just where does that leave us? And where does that leave me? Back arched, tits galloping and legs spread in the bed of a colombian named juan salvador, is where.