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About Me, I guess
"Neighborhood #1" by Arcade Fire
[this reminds me of Welcome To Night Vale, for some reason. And for those who don't know, WELCOME TO NIGHT VALE IS A PODCAST AND IT IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS EVER. IT IS CREEPY AND SURREAL AND I GOT ADRIAN INTO IT, WHICH MAKES ME HAPPY. THE POINT IS, this song is beautiful and Welcome To Night Vale is art and all this makes me want to cry because I'm stupid that way]
April 21, 2015 Tuesday 8:28 PM
Summary of Feelings (too hard to get into detail): Missing Elise more the past couple days. I was shopping and I found some dresses she would have thought were cute. Also, I went back into our conversations and the last thing she said to me was that she was happy. Mad about her sleep schedule, but happy.
Also, today was alright and I was very happy. The funny thing about being insanely happy as soon as I wake up is that... it seems like part way through the day, that happiness flips around and makes me miserable. I'm always wary when I feel too happy. I think to myself, "No, I'm just being paranoid, just because I'm feeling great now doesn't mean everything will suck later." BUT THAT HAPPENS ANYWAY AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
This morning, at 2 AM, I woke up. I was sleeping in my loft bed. I barely remember this, but apparently I took off my sweatshirt, so I was just lying there naked from the waist up with a sweater draped over me. I wanted to stay that way (my skin was the perfect temperature, all cool without being uncomfortable) but I get scared that someone will barge into my room in the morning and see my boobs, haha.
ANYWAYS. There was a thunderstorm. Lightning and noise and everything. God, I love thunderstorms. It was beautiful and loud. I fell back asleep to it. I remember last summer, I was on a train and I woke up around 2 AM (woah, same time??? maybe I'm wrong about the time) to this thunderstorm in the distance. I saw the lightning hit the ground in places. No one else was awake. I kind of wish the safety lights were off... Oh man.
Also, having online friends is hard. On one hand, I really want to talk to them but at some point, I don't know what to say??? I don't know anymore. I kind of just wish I knew at what point they stop wanting to talk to me so I don't end up doing that pulling-away thing and regretting it, you feel?
I live with my momma and daddy.
I have a 21 year old sister who I call Caroline. She's my best friend, but she touches me too much (I mean like, hugs and stuff).
I have a thing with touching. It kind of makes me uncomfortable. I like hugs but the rest makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong and I should probably discuss that with Pat. it makes me wonder if that thing that happened when I was little (I talked about it once) traumatized me or something. Now that I think about it, I kind of think it damaged me more than I like to think. Either that or I'm just incredibly anxious.
I have a therapist, named Pat.
I live in New York.
I have a dog (named April, is 6 years old, have had her since I was 10) and a cat (named Keeko, she followed us home and refused to leave about four years ago).
My dog is currently finishing up a napkin. I should have stopped her before she ate it, ughhh, why April.
I like eating meat, but it makes me nauseas, so I mostly tell myself I am a vegetarian so that I don't make myself sick. I don't know if that makes sense. I don't feel like explaining.
I will be 16 in two days.
The rest of my family lives in either Nicaragua or on the other side of the country.
I lived in California during 4th grade while my dad was on sabbatical.
I travel a lot, haha.
I'm really sad right now and I know it will pass, I know I'm being irrational, but it feels so real. Which is funny, because at the same time, I begin to wonder whether or not anything is real.
My neighbor's name is Ethan.
I secretly like to think he is my brother. I wouldn't tell him that, though, because he's an asshole. I say that affectionately. I have a thing for cynical people. Another thing that made me like Elise, actually. I understood where she was coming from.
I am surprisingly impatient with depression and anxiety in others, considering I have struggled with it myself. Actually, when I think about it, it's not really so hard to imagine. I am probably just associating what I see in them with my past experiences.
Oh, yeah. I was in a hospital 2 years ago because I am a disaster. First, I asked for help and they put me in the hospital, where they told me to love myself, diagnosed me with bipolar disorder, and spit me out after a couple weeks. I went crazy one day (turns out I was just extremely anxious) and tried to off myself, which resulted in
1) drinking charcoal, which tastes nasty
2) being unconscious for a day
3) going back to the hospital for another 2 weeks
4) everybody tiptoeing so quietly around me that I promised myself I'd never be that dumb again.
I don't talk about that in real life a lot, but if you ask, I'm pretty willing to discuss it. I managed to get over it and forgive myself.
I am not a reliable person. I am not the same day to day.
I am not very good at showing feelings and stuff.
Childhood friends: Aaron and Lily
Generally, I'm a lonely person. I never have a boyfriend, partly because flirting scares me and partly because I look like an interesting person from afar, but then you figure out that you don't get any of that goodness unless you know me for awhile, haha. In short, people lose interest. Either that or the boys who actually want to kiss me are the annoying kind.
I kind of think this whole list I just made is pretty stupid, but I didn't know what else to do. I do this from time to time, try and figure myself out.
I fucking hate time. Doesn't it feel so suffocating? I tried talking about this with Dude the other day, but he didn't understand. There is never enough time. As shitty and boring as this sounds, I really just want to sit around and do nothing for the rest of my life. I am so exhausted all the time.
The worst part is I'm not allowed to stop. I just have to keep going... Keep waking up at the same time everyday... keep smiling... keep going to practice... keep on with this horrible schedule.
How can anyone like this? Overall, I think life is kind of a major downer. It's the teeny, tiny things that make me love it, though. Nighttime stars. Welcome To Night Vale creepiness. The smell of changing seasons. Trees. Doggies, panting all happy.
I do really like all that stuff and am not willing to give it up. Still. I wonder if there will ever be a point in my life where I will feel like I have slept enough..