Vanilla

The Real Me
2015-04-20 08:21:29 (UTC)

dreams and nightmares

I have dreams...nightmares. of reality. Of things I already know. I know I can't be with Dr M and I have to let him go...it's overdue. It's not just paranoia anymore but the truth. He isn't able to love me the way I need it to be. And what Is the point of being with someone who cannot appreciate me. From the time that we started till now all I see is annoyance in him. I don't understand why how or what. It's like he is sick of me. And it makes me sick that someone can look at me like that. It was a great fantasy and all but it isn't reality. There is nothing more I can do. He can ask how Diana is but he can't ask how I am ? I saw the way he looked at her...and I understand that men look. I get that. But when you don't feel like you get the attention and affection you deserve from that person it makes it wrong in so many senses. It makes you question am I not enough for you? More so is nothing enough for you. I know that we are a bunch of good looking girls so peoples eyes wander onto me and onto Diana And onto Carol. It's a disastrous combination. Because I see how Diana's bf looks at me at times but at least she has the confirmation that he will always be with her and love her. Me? He hasn't even claimed he loves me...Dr M I mean. I can also understand it may be too soon. But time. Time is an issue. He rarely has time for me when he does give me time it's echoed with worries of his assignment that is due in the next 48 hours. Akwsys. There's not been a single time in 6 months that he has relaxed with me and let his mind or heart wander into the depths of this relationship so he will never form the attachments I do. It confuses me. This entire relationship and its not a good place to be