Best Erotic Fanfiction Ever?
"Icarus" by Plays Well With Others [randomly found this song, liked the name because I very much love that greek myth, and it's alright, it's alright, I like it]
April 18, 2015 Saturday 8:20 PM
I keep trying to remind my brain that it is not in fact February. Things have changed since then, sadly, and there is no more time. Also, my birthday is next week. Another thing I keep forgetting. I dunno, birthdays don't really matter to me. It's just kind of annoying. Each year, I have to correct myself.
"How old are you?"
"Fourte- no, fifteen."
I have to do that with the years, too. And the months. And the fucking days! Goddamn time! It needs to slow the fuck down because I'm going insane and can barely handle the fact that a second only lasts a second.
I might be slightly insane.
(I'm drinking store bough sweet tea and damn, is it sweet. I mean, what else did I expect? Why did I think that was worth saying??? Haha)
I hate getting older. I know I'm only about to turn 16 and that is still young, but I mean... I just can't come to terms with the whole Aging thing. I know it's natural, but it's so cruel. What, we're only young for 35 years? Some of which we don't remember? and even if you live longer, you're just... old for the longest time. I'm going to miss my body and my face and my youth in general.
I'm going to miss being able to heal quickly, miss having my whole life ahead of me. I'm already halfway through all the young-ness and I don't appreciate it. I'm already (reluctantly) learning how to drive and it fuckinG sucks.
A couple months ago, I was excited about college and stuff but now??? I'm just worried and even more confused than I was before. I just want everything to stay alright... No. I want everything to twist itself backward to two months ago when I hadn't learned anything new. I'd rather have that, I'd rather have that.
Fucking being grateful for having known her, fuck rejoicing at her memory, no. I'd rather her be alive. I'd rather be unappreciative of her existence for the rest of my life than realize I was wrong when it was too late.
I'M SO MAD, UGH. I'M SO MAD, I'M SO MAD, I'M SO MAD, BECAUSE SOMEHOW, SHE'S NOT EVEN HERE??? AND I CAN'T GET OVER THAT? I can't get over the urge to talk to her, the urge to send her photos of leaves and dresses, links to websites that have writing prompts. Urges to tell her about people and books and music. Like, fuck. It's horrible.
It's this, "Oh, wait..." feeling after a happy thought.
I wanted to talk to her today. I was watching a Harry Potter movie and was thinking to myself that sometimes, Hermione looks like Elise did. Something to do with the nose, or maybe the color of her hair.
I'M SO FUCKING INFURIATED, I COULD CRY. THIS IS NOT RIGHT. I CAN'T FEEL IT IN MY STOMACH, BUT I CAN ALMOST FEEL AN ANGRY STING IN MY EYES AND I JUST WANT TO PUNCH SOMETHING. MAYBE PUNCH THROUGH THE FABRIC OF TIME AND YANK HER BACK INTO EXISTENCE OR SOME SHIT. UGHHHHH, UGHHHHHHH
Okay, okay. Chill. Chill.
So, yesterday, my sister came home. I don't know if I wrote or not. I think I did.
Anyway, Caroline came home!!! She was home late-ish last night, like around eight. I was in bed, watching Harry Potter (why does it feel like that's all I do lately?).
My parents weren't home because they're ASSHOLES who don't tell their poor, helpless TEENAGE DAUGHTER that they have a FIVE HOUR DINNER to go to. So they left me to fend for myself, food-wise. I was pretty mad about that because I didn't feel like cooking and I was starving. So yeah, it wasn't their fault at all, haha.
Me and my sister got hungry so we decided to go out to eat. We drove around town, found nothing, and decided to go to Price Chopper. It was like ten o'clock. Our conversations were fun. We can never stop laughing when we're together. I never run out of things to talk about with her. Caroline is my absolute, best friend.
In other news, Ethan is an ASS CRIPPLE (thank Mr. Sandwich for this word. His vocabulary is innovative).
He really sucks. He and my sister go to the same school, yet, he never talks to her unless he's back home??? What an ass. I'm so mad at him. I don't understand. I think of him as the-brother-I-never-had-but-always-wanted and he goes and does this???
Nah. I mean, I'm not actually mad at him, but I just don't get it. He confuses me. I wish he'd stop smoking cigarettes. They make him all skinny. Did he smoke before his sister died? I can't remember.
Continuing news, we went to the grocery store and fucked around for like an hour, trying to find food. We wandered around, talked about how depressing and creepy grocery stores are. They are the weirdest places.
I think I might even hate grocery stores more than I hate going to the mall.
THOSE FUCKING FLUORESCENT LIGHTS, THE ENDLESS ROWS OF FOOD, THE HORRIBLE CHEERFUL MUSIC (like Tom Petty, Matt Kearny, all that kind of stuff), THE WAY THE LINES TAKES FOREVER EVEN AT MIDNIGHT. You know what? Grocery stores are black holes. I have figured it out. Congratulations, me. You're welcome, science community.
(realized for the 10000th time that she's gone, it still doesn't make sense)
Anyway, it was a lot of fun. On the way back, she started asking me about Elise and I didn't feel like discussing it. I kind of did, though. I described her strangeness as best as I could. My sister had seen a photo I had printed out of her. They're all over my house. It was from Facebook, so it had all her comments. Said something about how she was an eel and her eyes were spiders. My sister said that it almost read like a weird poem. I really like that she saw it that way.
Whenever I look up fan fictions, it's purely for the smut (okay, not always, but...). That's horrible to admit, but hey. I can tell a fan fiction is really good when it barely has anything sexy in it, yet I still read every word. I just found this Harry Potter one which I thought was really amazing???
It's called Oblitus Renovantes.
It??? Drew me in so much??? I don't even know why, but I found it really great. No one really writes about Tom Riddle. I think the Malfoy character they did is kind of off (like, where did his pride even go? He's an asshole, brought up to be prejudiced, THAT DOESN'T JUST DISAPPEAR, goddamn) but it doesn't bother me as much as other people's Malfoy interpretations.
Anyway, I'm a nerd, obviously, because I am somehow still really into Harry Potter. I'ma go forage for food, because my parents went to yet another dinner (more popular than me??).