Ranmat

The Last Hours
2015-04-19 00:07:59 (UTC)

When will I be a grown up?

Being an adult. I assume means different things to different people. I've always pictured being an adult defines you by the decisions that you make and how you go about making them. Not even a year. And I have failed. I feel like I have cheated and I know deep down I have. As freaky as I a.m. naturally I have not defiled another person in years which is amazing for me and my history. I have defiled myself. Around. Time I get so horny and I don't know how to fight through it without masturbation. And I had not smoked marijuana or did any drugs in almost a year. But the other day I actually went and bought $10 worth. I don't plan for this to become a habit but since I'm not smoking or having sex I don't have a release for stress. I need to learn how to make exercise my release but I still think I need another one. It's always been hard for me to balance and be consistent in anything. And I should take in consideration that if you have a habit that you've been doing for 20 years I guess as imperfect humans we will tend to relapse at some point. And for this I should not beat myself up to the point of with drawl from the very atmosphere that I know would help me or strengthen me. Or people.

Guilt will make you want to withdraw though.

Guilty because when I know something is wrong the more I think about it the more I want to do it. I don't take the time and energy and wisdom to think about why I should not do something. Actually sometimes I do but if it doesn't work wanted to times I given Instant gratification is not going to help me in tour and it's not helping my relationship with the person who created me. And I feel if something is in my heart that it was wrong i'm not worthy what do I do to grow. Did I make my commitment to soon? Is this something that I can handle alone we're between me and Jehovah? Can I take five steps forward owing to take six back?

I'm missed smoking weed because it helps take away my anxiety I'm not thinking about five things at one time I'm actually relaxing and enjoying the moment. But I know it's unhealthy for me to smoke. It's mind altering. Which can affect decisions and feelings and does not promote a soundness of mind. I know that I should and need to rely on Jehovah to take away my Anxieties. And this is why I feel guilty I didn't make the right decision. How am I going to teach my son to do this very thing? And when I know something is wrong I still continue to do it it's like I'm hardheaded. It's like I'm stupid. To know what I should do and still don't do it that's stupidity.

And now all I want to do right now is have sex. Amazing how it can be on your mind every day but I haven't had it in about three years. See normally I would probably say do it and get it over with. But unlike marijuana I think having sex would be mentally dreadful for me.

Darren has expressed having sex with me on multiple occasions. And with me still loving him and because of our chemistry if I had sex with anyone it would most likely be him. It's some of the blessing I'm so insecure about my weight. But his view of sex is recreational. Mine is more about having someone for me and me for them exclusively and for long-term It's not an interaction. Or a sport. Or something to do to pass the time. He already gets that from other women. He doesn't need that from all women. And it's not meaningful to me this way. The feeling that after it's over someone can just go about their life and not talk to you for couple of days or weeks is a problem for me now. It has to be that connection first mental and spiritual and I'm not even close to being able to give these things to someone that might be ready for long term Yes I am very domestic I can cook and clean I have no bills except for my car note. But I know long-term needs a stronger foundation. I run my mouth too much. I'm not my mild. And I'm not where I would want to be in the majority of my decision-making. I want to make better decisions spiritually. And I should take this time to see why am making bad decisions how do they come about what is my thought process to getting to the bad decisions.

In doing this with this be growth? It would have to be.

At 43 I still make bad decisions.





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