LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2015-04-17 19:52:30 (UTC)

Hindsight

April (I keep almost writing February 11) 17, 2015 Friday 7:54 PM


Ughh, I don't really want to write because I'm so confused and sad.

Today was the Day Of Silence, a day commemorating LGBTQ people who have been metaphorically (and I guess sometimes literally) silenced by anti-gay bullying and stuff. I've mentioned this before, but I'm a Roy G Biv captain. Anyway, being alone with my thoughts wasn't very fun and staying quiet all day is SO DIFFICULT because I actually talk a lot with the people I know.

Man, today was really bad and it was no one's fault. I'm just sad and I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm afraid. I'm questioning whether or not Elise even meant anything to me. Which, she did, of course, but did she mean as much as I think she did????

What???

I can't stop thinking about it and I'm feeling so guilty. What if I only cried because I was imagining all the things she'll never get to do???

Ughhh, confused as hell.

THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE:

-Elise and I had much in common

-We had long conversations, but they were few and far between (I will never make that mistake again. I already hate that I wasted time)

-I just feel tired when I think of her death

-Her way of thinking very much affected mine

-I have a hard time crying. I cry a lot, but it's in short, short bursts. At the most, five minutes of tears. With Elise, I cried for two days straight. When Ethan's little sister died, I cried for an hour (I was crying for Ethan and for her youth and it just seemed surreal). When I wanted to die, I cried for a minute and then went to sleep because everything is better as long as I don't think about it.

  What if I'm that person who didn't really care??? I just want to stop thinking about this. It's spoiling my nice Elise thoughts. I think about her a lot, but I don't want those thoughts to get old. They're very nice reminders of her existence. Things like pretty lakes and leaves and dresses and Pierce The Veil shirts and Mr. Sandwich, in all his cynical asshole-ishness. She might've liked Ethan, too, but I think he's a bit more mean.

I'm building a computer. The parts were my birthday present from my dad (my 16th birthday is next Thursday. God, I don't wanna grow up aww).

It's surprisingly easy??? I still needed his help (I'm 100% sure my dad is borderline genius because he told me his IQ and it's very high but I SWEAR IT SHOULD BE HIGHER) but it's already halfway done. We just need to plug in all the cables (we installed the motherboard, processing unit, memory cards, heatsink, graphics card, hard drive, power watchamacallit, and optical drive) and install the operating system. Oh, and I need a monitor for it. I wanted a computer I could play games on (Minecraft and Skyrim, since I know of nothing else, having a technology deprived childhood haha) and building it myself is cheaper than buying one so *shrug*

Oh, and yesterday, someone who was walking with a friend of his said to me, "Yo, my friend thinks you're hot" or something and I just smiled and gave them a thumbs up. It might've accidentally come out sarcastic, but I appreciated it. My looks aren't a major concern of mine, though. I am fine with the way I look. I didn't used to be and sometimes, I still hate my appearance, but I am mostly self conscious about my personality. I'm worried it's stiff and I always feel like a huge hypocrite, which is why I get so paranoid about every emotion I have.

I feel bad because I don't think Elise would appreciate all the thoughts I'm having and I so badly want to be joyful for her, but it just makes me feel guilty.

Someone told me that they felt like Elise, when she died, went everywhere and I knew exactly what she meant. If I believed in souls, I'd think that she broke into a thousand pieces and distributed herself everywhere we were so that we could almost "see" her in places.

Another weird thing: Before I found out she died and after the fact, I kept seeing these things about death. Death of a girlfriend, death of a friend, death of whoever. It was pretty much everywhere and I could not even try to relate. Again, I don't believe in that kind of stuff but part of me can't help it. I'm human, I recognize patterns, without caring about how biased my hindsight is.

PS:

If I haven't replied to a message you sent me, I will. Sorry, I'm just feeling very quiet right now.

PPS: CAROLINE IS COMING HOME!!! I MISSED HER!!!

Also, here is a drawing of Elise that I did. It was practice for the painting: http://be-yondrepair.tumblr.com/post/116519134239

I feel like it's kind of off :/

Doesn't matter. I still think she'd like it a lot.


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