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"Definitely You" by Feed Me Jack [still listening to Elise's music and it's nice]
April 15, 2015 Wednesday 9:27 PM
This day was actually pretty bad as far as days go. Nothing disastrous, no dissolving in tears, but I was constantly guilty. I kept thinking about Elise, and not in the grieving way. I mean, they were selfish thoughts. I was thinking, "Do I deserve to cry? How well did I even know her?"
"How well did she know me?"
"Am I simply making myself grieve because I happened to know her?"
Those questions almost don't make sense, but to me, they... they just do. They probably have to do with how guilty I am that it had been three weeks before her death that I last spoke to her and a month after that that I even found out she was gone....
And I want to cry more. I want to sob more. Today, someone asked me about Elise and I said, "She was a friend. I found out this weekend that she died."
I didn't even feel tears at all. Nothing. Maybe because I've been repeating it in my head since I found out. That makes me feel shitty???? I'm so exhausted. I'm so exhausted and I think I miss her. Maybe I'm lying to myself. Maybe, somehow, we were never friends. Ahhh, those thoughts tire me out, too. I just.. miss her.
I've been reading her diary. From the beginning. I never did that, I just started from what was the most recent entry at the time that we first became friends. She read mine for awhile. I don't know if it was a regular thing. There are a lot of things I don't know.
GOOD THINGS THAT WERE NICE AND STUFF:
-This was yesterday, but Adrian said, "You always ask really good questions." I had asked him why, when he was younger, he decided to draw. I asked because I have my reasons. I wanted to be just like my older sister, Caroline. I fucking love her to death and she's my best friend. Anyway, yeah, she was pretty good at art (she's amazing now) and I admired that. I wanted to be that.
-Yesterday, Olivia told me that I actually made her day a few weeks ago. I get really excited about dumb things sometimes and that week, I had just bought some reaLLY FUCKING COOL SOCKS. They had pictures of nature on the front and on the back, a bunch of daisies. They were cute as hell. Olivia wasn't feeling good that day and I said, "Wanna look at some nature?" and then pulled up the end of my pants.
-I'm listening to a band I am very fond of, Someone Still Loves You, Boris Yeltsin. This is on Elise's playlist ("music-y things"). We exchanged music sometimes and I very much love that she listened to them. It actually makes me very sad, deep down, but I am grateful.
-My mommy is walking around the house in a fancy shirt she wore to work and her underwear. SHE DOES THIS THING IN THE SPRING WHERE SHE'LL BE HOME FOR A COUPLE HOURS, AND THEN OUT OF NOWHERE, SHE TAKES OF HER PANTS AND CONTINUES GOING ABOUT HER LIFE THAT WAY. I LOVE IT.